Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Little Nightmare

This is another one for the Funny, Sad Real book.

When I was a kid, I used my collection of My Little Ponies as warhorses (of course, brushing their hair after the carnage), but had I seen this then, I’m not sure whether I would have been mad excited to have my X-Men and Ninja Turtles ride them into battle or be mad scared and have wanted to lock them in the fridge in the basement like I did to did My Buddy after watching Chuckie.
This is on a stage somewhere? How did this set get built, or the animatronic face? I can’t imagine people actually paying money to see this, but most youtube clips like this are just some lady in a homemade rubber spiderman suit sitting on a couch rubbing her thighs.
Someone put some serious skrill behind bringing their dream of a disconcerting parapalegic nightmare unicorn to life.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Hopsital Boyfriend

There is a delicate formula needed in caclulating how delish someone is, or even if they are delish at all. Like for example this guy is good looking, but he has that horrible Australian accent and calls The Hospital just 'Hospital', and calls a cooler an 'Eskie'. Verdict- not delish. Ashton Kutcher is handsome but also is a wack tweeting hollywierdo. Verdict- not delish. When you break most things down and really weigh the pros and cons out on paper you'll find not only most things are not delish, most things are terrible.

-David

Friday, February 26, 2010

Family Friends

I get it, they are pretty much the Irish Die Antwoord.

-David

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Careful Humping

Hey listen kids, I'm not like other moms, i'm a cool mom okay? If you guys are gonna drink, I want you to do it here, in the house. And if you're gonna hump dogs, use protection okay.

-David

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Spider Man Returnz

After surviving for two weeks on only mustard and Wetzel's Pretzels from the mall, YOU KNOW WHO, is finally squeezed back in her spider suit and is feeling more sensual then ever. Good for you girl, we should all be so lucky to find something in this world that makes us happy

-David

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Friskie Fantasy

Whoa, they must have seriously changed the recipie on cat food. The last time I tried that stuff, it was nothing like this.

-David

Monday, February 22, 2010

Step in the name of Love

So cute! If there was a cat massage parlor, where you could go and get stepped on by cats, I would be there every day.

-David

Sunday, February 21, 2010

BieberFever!

Last night my Mom was like "Who's Justin Bieber?" and I was like "GET OUT OF MY ROOM, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"
At least the teens in the YouTube comments know whats up!

airamcrystal01 : "I WAS THE 87TH PERSON TO WATCH THIS! THIS IS ICREDIBLE, IM SO PROUD OF JUSTIN AND IT WAS EVERYTHING WE WANTED PLUS MORE. IM STILL HAVING BIEBERGASMS. OH AND THANK TEH LORD THAT THEY DIDNT KISS! (THEY PROBS DID BACKSTAGE BT OH WELL) COZ I WOULD HAVE PASSED OUT. AHH I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO!!!1!!!!1!!!! :D :D."

-David

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I JUST LOVE HIM!



I just wish that Mom would freakin' shut up. GAWD MOM. Moms seriously just don't understand. Sometimes we do have to cry because we love Justin Bieber. How about that, Ginger kid is not the only one on YouTube coining brilliant quotes.
"I bet that's Justin Bieber"! I'm going to say that every time the phone rings for the rest of my life.

-David

Friday, February 19, 2010

Add It Up


-David

For Your Own Good

I know you guys are busy. Kids today, they are always sexting or cyber bullying someone on their facepages- I know whats up. I know how you guys do. It's like nobody has time for anything these days. Why won't anybody sit down together for a nice meal and watch YouTube with me? Instead everyone is squeezing Dannon Go-gurts into their open mouths and off somewhere on their Segways. It would be nice if you would STOP for just 3 minutes and watch this video.

NO FAST FORWARDING. I know British people and their wack accents are insufferable but you need this. OK you guys? Stay with it. That is some M. Night Shamalan sh*t right there

-David

Thursday, February 18, 2010



So last time he checked in with us, Ginger kid told us he was not a joke. Now, he is showing us he is not a joke because HE IS WEARING A BLAZER! And there is a necky underneath. I cannot argue with this.
In the case of People v. Gingers, Gingers is not guilty on all counts due to a nice outfit. Gingers are free to go and to have souls and whatever.
-David

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

ZZZZZZZZ


What I need to know is where does one buy tiny cat furniture? Its too friggin cute. Though it is much more sad if you think of it as a Feline Hospice.
-David

Hold Me



Sometimes, on Valentine's Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend might be a terrible joke, like, "I wish every day could be Valentime's Day!" What people don't realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine's Day. You know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. She is thinking: "regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor representing a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, my safe space, I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth."
-David

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Worst Eyed Peas

Not to be a hater, but I freakin' hate the Black Eyed Peas. Usually when I post a long video like this, I would ask you guys to watch the whole thing. Not here. Don't bother. This mother is like ten minutes long, and its terrible, every minute of it. Basically the Black Eyed Peas are in the future, Fergie is doing a wack Beyonce single ladies impression, and there are some Terminator 3 Salvation: Rise of the Machines walking around. Thats pretty much it.
The only thing worse then this actual video is the realization that for the rest of the year I will be hearing all the garbage people in my neighborhood mumbling the chorus "I'ma be, I'ma be". I know there is something to be said for the power of positive thinking but, if you're a Black Eyed Peas fan, you're pretty much not gonna be doing nothing. Just sayin'.

P.S. Fergie is right when she said at the beginning of the video that you guys are not robots, because robots are just sophisticated machines, they are not stupid assholes who think every day is Halloween and The Matrix just came out.
-David

There Are No Words



You need to understand that our comedian here is what you call a physical comedian. He expresses himself with his physicality in the tradition of Chris Farley and Jim Carey. His body is his instrument, as integral to his act as the hilarious and relateable stories he tells. It is only natural that he, as any artist, would work to push his art further, and test his (and our boundaries. Sometimes that can mean nudity, so get ready for it.
Very interesting stuff is going on here, and I don't understand it. When I said I would watch all the parts of his comedy act (so far 63) I didn't realize it would be so emotionally exhausting.
-David

Monday, February 15, 2010

Pollock and Pollock




I don't like to make a big thing of it or nothing but I was raised without a lot of the luxuries you guys probably took for granted. We didn't even have cable TV in our house 'til I was in probably 3rd grade.
But I survived, I watched a lot of Golden Girls and Canadian Public Access TV. Canadian Public Access was actually really pretty sweet, most of the people talked normal without those weird accents, and there was a considerable amount of shirtless dancing men (which even at age 6, I wasn't mad at okay how you doin).
This Pollock and Pollock show was really excellent, check out their Late Night Lemonade segment pretty kewl right? And wow Liberace. Its pretty incredible that they were actually able to get him on there. Of course his body is hideously wasted away from AIDS, but how brave of him to perform without a shirt. Make you think ya know.
-David

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentimes Day?

I'm still not entirely convinced that your boyfriend is even real. In some ways (in lots of ways) he seems like a terrible character played by Will Ferrel on SNL. A belly full of goat meat? Lovemaking (gross) under the redwood trees? Gimme a break! But there's also something that's almost TOO REAL about him. That's probably why you love him so much. You guys will be out one night and it'll be three in the morning and he'll just be like, "oh my God, you are such a beautiful creature I need to braid your hair ASAP" (and of course he pronounces it a-sap) or "I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything you said for the past five minutes, because I was thinking about how I want to wash your feet with my beard," and you're just like "are you for real right now? You are the worst! I want to kiss you on the mouth!" That is what you are like.
-David

Babies Watchin' Babies

The older you get the more you will realize, we are who we are. There is no changing it. If you're a chronically depressed self sabotaging narcissist, then thats pretty much how you will always be, forever.
If you are a cute Shiba-Inu dog, then you are just a baby, you'll always be cute, forever.
-David

A Valentine's Day treat for you



There is no greater gift you can give than to instill a sense of self worth, pride and value into the hearts of the selfish ass people you care about.
So in honor of valentines day I'm going to leave my webcam on for the entire evening. Watch it with your most recent partner. Laugh whole heartedly at my expense.. Then have some boring passionless sex with that person. Celebrate how convenient, non threatening and accommodating that person is..and how well their desperate heart compliments your self serving lifestyle.
Because really if there is anyone who deserves to reap the benefits of cowardice and mediocrity.. It's YOU.



Happy Valentines Day !
Love, Sarah

P.S text me

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Cant Touch Me

I'm no invention expert but I suspect this was invented by some sad person who was floating on a pool noodle one day and thought, "You know, if I put Mickey Mouse hands at the end of this thing, I'd always have hugs. Well this is horriable, what if your Valentine does not fit in the hug arms?! Do not send me one. I do not like being touched. Even by foam gloved hands.
-David

Sex Offended


I remember as a kid, an adult telling me that every child had a twin who was somewhere else in the world. Another version of you, he or she might be in China or Africa, but would be your age and pretty much exactly like you. This proved adults are full of lies.
You may never find your twin, but one cool and fun way to find a person related to you at least by name, is to search your name in the Criminalcheck.com online directory. Here is what you do:
1) go to http://www.criminalcheck.com/index.html
2) in the last name (required) field, type in your FIRST name, leave other fields blank
3) click search
4) look at all those registered sex offenders
-David

Friday, February 12, 2010

Cute is 0 Calories

The hardest friggin part about a diet is what the eff are you supposed to eat when you are relaxing?! I understand, a shake for breakfast a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner- but what about in between? What are you supposed to do then? Put down your Combos and Bugles, get you some grapes or some fruit. I think those little mothers are 0 Weight Watcher's Points. Eat and many of them shits as you want! And I think wine is also allowed since it is pretty much just grapes. Eat all the wine and grapes you want. Also remember to treat yourself to a nerve pill now and then, also 0 Points.

-David

Dont Be Tardy For the Valentime's Day Party





Even if you do happen to be a single lady, there are still things you can do to participate in Valentime's Day, and keep yourself out of the bars. Why not send one of these E-Cards to someone special in your life and brighten up his day. People you can send or give a card to:
~Your home health aid
~The 7-11 guy you buy cigarettes from
~A homeless or blind person with a cup out for change
~Yourself at work, (act suprised when you get it, who sent this to you? A secret admirer!)
~Somebody's Myspace.com page
~Parole officer
-David

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Catch a Predator on The Web

Sneak Cam


Make no mistake, these guys look cute but they will literally rip off your face off all of your fingers, did you see that lady on Oprah? Plus they have the ugliest butts. Gross. Slow Loris' will always be my favorite primates.
-David

Countdown


Valentime's Day is coming, now its just a few days away. So what, who cares. Sure, once a year a holiday celebrating the special bond couples share can stir up passing feelings of loneliness, and it might remind you of the growing likelihood that you will die alone. But so what! The worst is those people who are so adamant about hating Valentine's Day.
Relax people. Its nothing to dread, its something to look forward to. On February 15th, all the candy will be on sale. I buy lots and plan to give it out for Christmas and birthday gifts, but darn it if I don't always eat it all myself.
-David

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Go ahead...say It to my face.
























I have been getting allot of Sh*t lately from people saying that i have been posting too mad much on Facebook. And to those people I say "suck my butt !!!" I am an expert on things that are not fair and you know what. THAT'S NOT FAIR !!!!!
How dare anyone judge my web activity? Last time I checked the web is a place where all types of people and animals and transgendered folks can do whatever they want whenever they want to..with the exception of posting child pornography and selling soiled panties on ebay. (not fair)
So what? everyone is too busy and important and boring to be active on Facebook? I have things i need to say and stuff i need to share for your enjoyment. That's right. Always thinking of how i can entertain you norms while keeping a safe distance hidden away inside my cave of loneliness.
Yeah ok maybe i do have other things to do and plans for my life. Maybe those plans prolly won't happen no matter what. The Dude is not going to transform into a giant lumberjack and take me away to the land of roaring beer rapids and baby back rib shacks. There is no town of giants where i would be a petite delicate flower and everyone would text me in the same way that normal size people get texts. A world where maybe I might even get asked out on a real life date.
Yeah right that ain't gunna happen. So what the heck do you expect me to do?

Allz i'm saying is unless you want me calling and texting you in an attempt to have an IRL relationship ..meaning you would have to be seen with me in public and possibly even talk to me on the phone...... like three times a year at least...then just shut your hole.
Clearly no body wants that.
Just let me gab publicly on facebook with my few web friends who get me. gawd freakin jeesh
STOP HATING HATERS.


*Sarah

Never Forget Kate Gosselin


The world gets what its wants. Its the law of attraction and its proven science. Due to the demand of the public, the new Twilight moving will come out in June, scientists have invented jeans you can sleep in, and Kate Gosselin is around because people want her to be. People want to know things about her. People want so badly to know more about her that she had to write a book called I Just Want You to Know. People will for sure buy that book, and pay for it using money that they earned at their jobs. What a world.
-David

Haters Gon' Hate


If the Internet is good for one thing, its finding adult oriented pictures that appeal to your specific and unusual tastes. If its good for TWO things, its for finding adult oriented pictures, and addressing the haters.
Everyone knows haters love the Internet. They are usually on there looking for those adult oriented pictures, and when they aren't doing that, they are hating on things. It was only a matter of time before one of these haters surfed over here to this blog. Well its finally happened. Now I want to take a moment to break my silence about the anonymous commenter who has brought his or her hate to our little corner of the web. You know what, this hating stuff might be fine on youtube or 4chan, but not here. This; is a safe space. I will not be intimidated. I will not quit blogging and I will keep doing this forever no matter what (until I quit, but it wont be because of haters, it will be because medicating my sick cats takes up all my time).
-David

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Aye ! Get With The Program























If you aren't in the loop by now it's likely that you are some kind of fanatical Christian or foreign or something.
Advice With Gina is pretty much the hottest page on Facebook. You can communicate with a web celeb and not even have to buy nothing. She's sort of the most important person in our lives..and it's not because she stuffs our mouth holes with bear claws every chance she gets.

"Advice with Gina is A cornucopia of relevant information." New York Times

"Gina knows my body, and I can't get enough" John the Landlord

"Finally someone who knows what cat's really need.
They need fried chicken from *EXPLETIVE* Vons... cut into little tiny pieces and mixed with Chicken Temptations in a large bowl.
It's called flavor notes, duh Bitch" O ! Magazine

"Gina always knows which Bachelor contestant is the biggest skank and what gas station to go to for the cheapest cigarettes. A true los Angeles insider." LA Weekly

So go ahead get on yer Facespace and get your Gina on. Cause if your not in it to win it. We pretty much don't want to know your ugly face.
Hey, this could be you....

*Sarah

I Want More Things

There is no inherent purpose in life. Each of us give life our own purpose. In the end, we will all die, and inexorably all of our accomplishments (reading the entire internet) will be turned to dust and we will be forgotten.
What is the point of trying to feed the hungry or house the homeless? Instead, seize upon what is important. Seek whatever material pleasures you can from life, collect whatever worldly goods you possibly can, and then just sit on them; you don't have to do anything with them because there really is no point to any of it. My recommendation is that you should be buying all the things you can.
What better place to buy things then the Sky Mall catalog? Lets look at 5 things you should buy before you die.

1.) Wine Glass Necklace. Coming to terms with your mortality in a godless world can really work your nerve. And if you happen to be an older individual, you'll find this realization extra upsetting, your time is limited. What you need, everyone needs, is a drink. Problem is, wine glasses can be hard to hold when your hands are trembling and you are crying (trust me I know), that's why it's great to have a wine glass holder necklace.

2.) Waistband Stretcher. While you wait for your Pajama Jeans to come, you'll need to have on hand a pair of pants that fit, just in case one of your cats gets a bad eye infection and you have to rush to the vet.

3.) Sexy Lingerie Shirt. I am just in love with this shirt, seriously what a hoot. Even if my cats can't read, and the last person who stepped foot inside my apartment was a hoarding counselor 12 years ago, this shirt makes ME feel good and that's whats important.

4.) Siamese Slanket. Why was the Snuggie such a hit? Doesn't anyone realize Slanket was there first? This is the same thing that happened with Britney and Christina, Backstreet and N*Sync and the movie Ants and A Bug's Life. Whats been wack is that the Slanket and Snuggie never came in plus sizes, responding to my letters of complaint the companies stated that their products were ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that's a load of bologna. If you're a full figured individual, treat yourself to one of these, don't struggle and diet to fit into mainstream society's idea of "standard" Snuggie or Slanket size.

5.) Lighted Slippers. Shuffling around a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night trying to prepare yourself a midnight snack as dozens of cats bob and weave between your ankles like football players running drills can really be a hazard. Just be careful with these though, I've noticed they do help me see where I'm going but some of the friskier cats are attracted to the light and this can be a problem.

Monday, February 8, 2010

"Hi Guys"- that one Comedian




Where has the time gone? Look at this I turn around not even 2 weeks later and he is already doing part 52 of his comedy series? I have no problem with that. I will watch all the parts. As he humps the air and goes on about the experience of buying lube, I stop hearing what he is saying and slip into a trance, like Raven from TV's That's So Raven.
Also, I should say LOL.
His nipples are rock hard the whole entire time.
-David

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Medical Breakthrough


Millions of dollars critical to research fighting Cancer and AIDS have been diverted, precious resources rerouted as medical science unanimously put all else on hold, and committed itself entirely to build a living Avatar for 22 year old Long Beach resident and future childless cat hoarder, Sarah B. Lund. Modeled on the brainchild of James Cameron, a multinational team of scientists and bio engineers have worked tirelessly to bring this compelling concept shown in the film, to a living breathing reality, the fusion of Human and Navi DNA.
The bad news is the Avatar is still plus sized and there is nothing they could do about that.
-David

"You Know What!!"- Ginger




Is this getting old? No, it isn't. Our Ginger buddy is still on top of his YouTube game. He's brought some entirely new elements to the table in his latest video YOU KNOW WHAT. Lets consider what he is doing here.
1) Hes now in a new location, change is neat! Not sure where he is, but I will say that fence casts a lovely cross hatching shadow across his basketball shaped face. I'm guessing he isn't far from the original location because you can hear his yelling once again upset the neighbors dog.
2) Hes got a new exclamatory sound effect! I will describe it as a mix of a rasberry you would blow on the belly of a cat, and the sound a horse makes when anxious. He is still yelling, he didn't quit that. But this new sound fits nicely into the mix.
3) Almost crying. Hes done this in earlier videos, but now he is really dialing it in. Almost crying is a critical skill as a teen nerd guy. It allows you to express sincerity while staying on the right side of the crying fag line. Thats a line you dont want to cross.
4.) So many feelings! Besides the almost crying there is more emotions going on here then ever before. I feel like I just rode a roller coaster of emotion, and I had my hands up the whole entire time! RAGE turns to sadness, then an earnest plea, vulnerability and humility, then more RAGE AND ACRIMONY! If saying 'that deserves an Oscar' weren't such a tired cliche, that is exactily would I would say. When will YouTube get its own award show? I hope before 2012.

So in conclusion, unlike American Pie IV, this is just as good as ever, good material, compelling presentation-its really what great YouTubes are all about. Still he hasn't yet presented any evidence Gingers really do have souls, but I'm guessing he is saving that for later.
-David

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Sisterhood of the Travelling Spanx


It's hard out there! I know it's hard out there. You just have to keep your head down, and do whatever it takes to get through the day. For some people that means unwinding after a day at the office with a nice ice cold Diet Coke and an episode of HOARDERS. ("I'm just so excited to find out if they are able to let someone clean their house, oh good they were able to!") For some people it's taking a pottery class at the local community center, or swing dance lessons with a teacher found on craigslist who smells like alcohol and plastic. It's like Lil' Kim said before she went to prison for lying under oath: Do what you like! (Except lie under oath, that's perjury and you will go to jail for that.)
This is America!
And OK, maybe you and a couple friends want to dress up and express yourselves in a terrifying caricature of femininity. Maybe you guys happen to sew your own costumes and lip-sync to a CD of Dreamgirls, Music From the Motion Picture. Maybe one of you guys (Sarah) is having a hard time matching her heavy coverage foundation to the skin color on her body, so what, who cares. It's the right of everyone to express herself, do you.
-TRANSformation via dragulator.com
-David

Friday, February 5, 2010

Internet Rules


Has anyone ever heard of the website (NSFW) http://guyswithiphones.com/? Its just a bunch of guys taking self pictures with their iphones. How is this even a thing? It just goes to show you that for anything you can imagine, there exists an Internet community who fetishizes about that thing, and is that is ALL ABOUT that one thing. They masturbate thinking about that thing like it is their job.
Maybe it is gross and bizarre, but it is a cold and unforgiving world out there, so who are we to judge? We all live in glass houses, although clearly some of our glass is cleaner and more in touch with reality than others'. Anyway, congrats to the fetish communities out there, you have the web and you can get whatever kinda wierd crap you guys want. You can find it here, here, here and here...and here. And here.
-David
via http://hotchickswithfistsintheirmouths.com/

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Back To The Cats

The world is nothing: a pointless accident, a mechanical chaos of casual brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. Each one of us exist singularly, absolutely alone. All the rest, what you see around you, is merely what pushes you, or what you push against, blindly- as blindly as all that is not you, pushes back. You create the universe blink by blink. An ugly god pitifully dying in an empty space. So, lets go back to the basics: Cat Videos. Here we have a lovely tortoiseshell meowing and being groomed. I am not sure if she is pissed or happy, but I am sure she is cute and is just a baby.

-David

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Next Level Beatz




The music young people listen to nowadays just sounds like noise to me. I don't know what happened to real musicians from my day like Benny Goodman. Now that was something you could tap your toe to. Now singers want to wear these unflattering hair dos and do crazy voices and they keep getting in my face, get out of my face. I have enough people in my face most times. I do not want faces coming at me in my youtubes (with some exceptions).
All that said, I seen this group Die Antwoord and they aren't so bad, they have some real neat outfits and it looks to me they maybe have a Primordial Dwarf in the mix. That dude either is a PMD, or he has Progeria, that accelerated aging disease. Anyway something is up with that guy and I wish he would put a shirt on for crissakes. The rest of the group also looks a little strange, like a mix of the people from Gummo and Deliverance . Just sayin. I am not holding it against them. They are from South Africa, I guess thats how everyone looks there.
-David

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

European Designer

video

If you spend most of your days in your home, sometimes you can find yourself feeling hopelessly sloppy and judged by your cats. Now if you had some PAJAMA JEANS, you would probably be feeling a lot better and might be able to avoid the whole existential crisis that comes with being a bedridden morbidly obese cat hoarder. First of all there is the elastic waist, and then plus that, you have got brass rivets on the back pockets there, just like fancy European jeans (which can sell from $50 to $100 dollars).
-David

When Dreams Come True


Pretty much nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore, it's not that it's a bad show. It's just that it's on too late. If it was on more like 8pm on Saturday, and just was a half hour long, then I would be watching it. But anyway we live in the future, we don't have to WATCH TV to watch TV. We can look at it on the Internet! That's how I mostly do, and boy did it pay off for me today.
Proof that THE SECRET works: Jon Hamm dancing in jean shorts, right out of my dreams and into real life! As a modern wordsmith once said:
"I like that, I like that, twerk that back, twerk that back"
-David

Monday, February 1, 2010

It's Called Fashion



I'm sure everyone is familiar with the three wolf moon shirt. Its pretty much an icon, known as much for it's sweet mystical powers as it's glowing reviews on amazon.com. People say 'if it ain't broke don't fix it', to hell with that, as you can see i'm fixing it. No big whoop, it's fashion design, and it is so easy for me.
-David