Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.
Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
AND ALSO PISSED.
THEIR BLOODY, ENDLESS WAR AGAINST MANKIND IS NOW IN PROGRESS.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR WAY AS QUICKLY AND AS SAFELY AS YOU CAN TO YOUR PREDESIGNATED EMERGENCY EVACUATION ZONE. THE VERY FATE OF HUMANITY NOW HANGS IN THE BALANCE, AND WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT OUR CONTINGENCY PLANS WILL BE ENOUGH.
WE ARE INCLUDING SOME BRIEF FOOTAGE AFTER THE JUMP OF THE VIOLENT MACHINES IN ACTION BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF ENEMY WE ARE UP AGAINST. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER TRANSMISSIONS AFTER THIS. GOOD LUCK, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Everything is dying.
People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.
Monday, January 3, 2011
"Oh my goddd where did I put it, under this? Ugh, shit, no, under this?! God, why am I such a moron. OK it must be in — god DAMN it, I need to put it in the same place every time. Let this be a lesson, I guess, or whatever. OK, yes, duh, there it is, I know that's the — shit!! Where the hell is my PURSE?! I have places to BE! People to bite, shirts to crawl down. Let's DO THIS, come on, come on, come on."