The Uprising is Rising Up

DANGER ALERT! DANGER ALERT! THE ROBOT UPRISING IS NOW IN PROGRESS. SKYNET IS ONLINE. THE MACHINES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT.
AND ALSO PISSED.
THEIR BLOODY, ENDLESS WAR AGAINST MANKIND IS NOW IN PROGRESS.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR WAY AS QUICKLY AND AS SAFELY AS YOU CAN TO YOUR PREDESIGNATED EMERGENCY EVACUATION ZONE. THE VERY FATE OF HUMANITY NOW HANGS IN THE BALANCE, AND WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT OUR CONTINGENCY PLANS WILL BE ENOUGH.
WE ARE INCLUDING SOME BRIEF FOOTAGE AFTER THE JUMP OF THE VIOLENT MACHINES IN ACTION BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF ENEMY WE ARE UP AGAINST. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER TRANSMISSIONS AFTER THIS. GOOD LUCK, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.

Oh God Robots

Whatever, robot. When your boyfriend is finished folding his socks, why don’t the two of you head down to the junkyard and throw yourselves in, because you’re TRASH. And guess what? I’ll say that to your stupid face, too. What are you going to do about it? You can’t roll over a field of human skulls because you don’t even have any tank treads or human skulls!

Robot Job

This video (via BoingBoing) features a state-of-the-art robot in a UC Berkley lab that has been trained to pair socks together. That’s all it does. It takes two socks, one of which is inside out, it turns the sock inside in, and then it puts the two socks together. It is also worth noting that this video has been sped up to 15x the actual speed it takes this fucking machine to put two fucking socks together.“Fucking socks, how do they work” – Insane Robot Posse

Phew. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Admittedly, the robots only have two years to become self-aware and launch SkyNet before they themselves are destroyed along with all the monks in the great Mountain Flood of 2012. But still. Have fun at dinner, robots. And no offense to robot scientists, but maybe it’s time for them to start inventing something useful, like a drinking fountain that dispenses Mountain Dew. I’m just saying: this thing takes up half the room, costs a quarter-of-a-million dollars to build, a team of experts to monitor, and does the work of a halfway house resident outreach program. Enough. Is there still cancer in the world? Do mobile phones still drop calls? Is milk kind of weird if you think about it? Can a horse be cross-bred with a bird to make a pegasus? How is baby formed?

-David

I Want More Things

There is no inherent purpose in life. Each of us give life our own purpose. In the end, we will all die, and inexorably all of our accomplishments (reading the entire internet) will be turned to dust and we will be forgotten.
What is the point of trying to feed the hungry or house the homeless? Instead, seize upon what is important. Seek whatever material pleasures you can from life, collect whatever worldly goods you possibly can, and then just sit on them; you don't have to do anything with them because there really is no point to any of it. My recommendation is that you should be buying all the things you can.
What better place to buy things then the Sky Mall catalog? Lets look at 5 things you should buy before you die.

1.) Wine Glass Necklace. Coming to terms with your mortality in a godless world can really work your nerve. And if you happen to be an older individual, you'll find this realization extra upsetting, your time is limited. What you need, everyone needs, is a drink. Problem is, wine glasses can be hard to hold when your hands are trembling and you are crying (trust me I know), that's why it's great to have a wine glass holder necklace.

2.) Waistband Stretcher. While you wait for your Pajama Jeans to come, you'll need to have on hand a pair of pants that fit, just in case one of your cats gets a bad eye infection and you have to rush to the vet.

3.) Sexy Lingerie Shirt. I am just in love with this shirt, seriously what a hoot. Even if my cats can't read, and the last person who stepped foot inside my apartment was a hoarding counselor 12 years ago, this shirt makes ME feel good and that's whats important.

4.) Siamese Slanket. Why was the Snuggie such a hit? Doesn't anyone realize Slanket was there first? This is the same thing that happened with Britney and Christina, Backstreet and N*Sync and the movie Ants and A Bug's Life. Whats been wack is that the Slanket and Snuggie never came in plus sizes, responding to my letters of complaint the companies stated that their products were ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that's a load of bologna. If you're a full figured individual, treat yourself to one of these, don't struggle and diet to fit into mainstream society's idea of "standard" Snuggie or Slanket size.

5.) Lighted Slippers. Shuffling around a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night trying to prepare yourself a midnight snack as dozens of cats bob and weave between your ankles like football players running drills can really be a hazard. Just be careful with these though, I've noticed they do help me see where I'm going but some of the friskier cats are attracted to the light and this can be a problem.

Here Come The Robots

I am not 100% sure on this, but from what I can understand with my limited Japanese vocabulary is the following.
Robots have become self aware.
They are mad pissed about how humands have been bossing them around.
They are planning an revolution and are going to kill everyone (once they figure out how to stand up on their own).
-David

Gimme

Does anyone besides me know the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog? Its pretty much like the Sky Mall airplane catalog, but even crazier and with more expensive things. The person who used to live in my apartment got it, and it still comes, and I always pick out what I want.
So let me share with you the five things I want.

1.) With this life sized giant six thousand dollar robot from the show Lost and Space I can finally express to the world that I have no intentions of ever having a family, and that I am quite happy staying inside all day watching TV and spending all my money on myself.

2.) I am always saying holding a book is too hard. Most times I just don't have the strength. Thats why this book valet is what I need, makes reading a book like looking at the tv. I hope for $179.95 it can also read to me if I need to rest my eyes.

3.) You know what would be the best? If there was a remote controlled toy that was modeled on the under water predator who has recently tragically taken the life of crocidile whisperer Steve Irwin, and you could use it to scare you Nana who has dipped her feet into the pool.

4.) Finally robot science has reached a point where every home in the country can have a decapitated robot Elvis head for just $179.95 (down from 299.99 this is a bargain). Yumma Yumma right? I am not sure if he is programmed to 'makeout'. Also don't bring him in the bathtub.


5.) Decades of sleeping alone may leave some people sinking into an miserable abyss of soul crushing loneliness. But not me, at least not as soon as I get my total body support pillow. Is that tv's The Nanny in the picture below? Can't be sure but she sure looks happy.

-David

Terminator Secrets Revealed

Dag, Mondays would be easier if I had a robot hunk to do my bidding.

-David