Pinot Awwwwww!

When you think about it we are all just a bunch of chinchillas in the world (a glass) except not cute.

David

Some News

Hey I know most of you guys reading this come here for news and stuff, so I meant to tell you guys that Osama Bin Laden is dead. He got caught and killed, so just so you guys know.

David

Terrible Teens

Cool. Great tips. Hey, here’s a completely unrelated question: do you guys ever think about just, you know, like, giving up completely? As if perhaps all of the hard work of trying to conceptualize of a world in which life is actually worth living and there is beauty and decency to be found in this existence of pain and misery is all for nothing and maybe we should just lie down in the road and let the abyss wash over us? These tips sound great! I was just thinking about that other stuff for no reason really hahahhah never mind. Can’t wait to try these tips!

-David

A Thin Crust of Hope: The Susan Guy Story

Pizza is the best. If you don’t agree with that statement then please do not read this site.

AND DON’T LET THE BLOG HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

It is so delicious! With the cheese and the toppings and the sauce and the cheese and the toppings and the pizza. Yum! Yum!

My Uncle used to say that pizza was the perfect food because it included each of the four food groups, and he’s a medical doctor! So it should come as no surprise that pizza is a life-saver. Of course it is! Admittedly, it is not a life-saver the way that, you know, medicine is a life-saver. And apparently the only way it can save your life is if you call the same pizza place every morning and order the exact same thing (large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes) in a small town where that is an easily noticeable event, and where the employees of your local pizza place are actual real employees and not would-be dancers or poets or something, too wrapped up in their hopeless DREAMS to care about you. And it should be noted that consuming a large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes every day does have some side effects, but what medical treatment plan is without side-effects?! None medical treatment plans!

THANK YOU, DR. PIZZA, FOR SAVING A WOMAN’S LIFE!

Im sure that when I am 82 I'll order and eat a large pepperoni pizza everyday. I like how she gets DIET coke. Regular Coke is just empty calories.

-David

Source: GM

Invite Me to Your Party or I Will Kill Myself

"The Mexican teen hasn't eaten for the past eight days — consuming only water — in hopes that her bizarre, pathetic stunt will force Will and Kate to invite her to their exclusive wedding celebration." —Don't let 19-year-old Estibalis Chavez, hunger-striking in front of the British Embassy, beat you to the one golden ticket that Prince William and Kate are reserving for whoever horrifies them the most. And that's why I'm going to go somewhere that British people hang out — I don't know, where do they go, the airport? That's why I'm going to go to the airport and run in front of a plane. I hope I don't die, but if I do it was for something I loved.

Bad Teens

And so natural selection continues...

The Uprising is Rising Up

DANGER ALERT! DANGER ALERT! THE ROBOT UPRISING IS NOW IN PROGRESS. SKYNET IS ONLINE. THE MACHINES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT.
AND ALSO PISSED.
THEIR BLOODY, ENDLESS WAR AGAINST MANKIND IS NOW IN PROGRESS.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR WAY AS QUICKLY AND AS SAFELY AS YOU CAN TO YOUR PREDESIGNATED EMERGENCY EVACUATION ZONE. THE VERY FATE OF HUMANITY NOW HANGS IN THE BALANCE, AND WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT OUR CONTINGENCY PLANS WILL BE ENOUGH.
WE ARE INCLUDING SOME BRIEF FOOTAGE AFTER THE JUMP OF THE VIOLENT MACHINES IN ACTION BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF ENEMY WE ARE UP AGAINST. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER TRANSMISSIONS AFTER THIS. GOOD LUCK, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.

Well Sorrrriiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee....

Denise Crull Is Our Generation’s Antoine Dodson

Nothing Makes Any Sense

Birds is falling from the sky. Death is bubbling up from the lake, killing all the fishes.
Everything is dying.
People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.

Ultimate Street Fight, Cats and Crows

The Battle may be over. But The War, has just begun

David

liar liar

Not trying to get up in anyone’s business, but if you are dealing with a situation where you want to disguise your caller ID, disguise your voice, and know whether or not the other person is lying or not, you might be dealing with a situation for which your cellphone is no longer that useful. What kind of person would want this?

“You know what, I’m just going to buy this weird card, disguise my caller ID, make myself sound like the dude in Screamy Movie 4, activate the patented lie detector software, and record my call. That ought to solve everything, in this perfectly routine situation that we all find ourselves in.

I Do What I Do!

So, so gross. Feet repulse me. I don’t even like my own.

-David

its called light working

Okay 2012 is coming sooner then we thought, as told by your mom.

-David

Horse Goes

That’s not where horses go, but there a horse is. Go figure.
OK, so we’re DEFINITELY all just biding our time until the tidal wave comes, not giving a fuck? Every last one of us? Nothing matters. Got it.

Via DailyWhat.

David

Diffrent Strokes

You know, the thing that people didn’t talk a lot about during the whole Chilean Miner Crisis/Celebration 2010 was how weird it is for people to even be in the MOLTEN CORE OF THE PLANET in the first place. You know what I mean? Like, we are all very glad that things worked out the way that they did in the end (especially this guy) but it’s a strange world, to say the least, where the world’s eyes are fixed on a straw-sized tube in the ground through which human beings travel like bubble tea through a mile of rock from this tiny hole where they spent three months wondering how their brains hadn’t melted out their ears yet. You know? I’m not saying that I understand the intricacies of certain resource requirements that our modern global lifestyles demand of our sad sweet planet, or the difficult and risky methods by which we secure those things so that our iPads blink in the night. I’m just saying that we can have LIFELIKE dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movie and yet human beings still have to travel into the heart of darkness and sometimes shit happens and you’re just like fuck.
And so, whether you are on the surface of the planet, or deep within its nightmare confines, you do have to find something to make you happy before you are buried (one way or the other). For example, starting up a YouTube account expressly for the purpose of posting your Aspberger-fueled video tours of midwestern Bed, Bath and Beyond elevators

-David

Oh God Robots

Whatever, robot. When your boyfriend is finished folding his socks, why don’t the two of you head down to the junkyard and throw yourselves in, because you’re TRASH. And guess what? I’ll say that to your stupid face, too. What are you going to do about it? You can’t roll over a field of human skulls because you don’t even have any tank treads or human skulls!

Mad Man

Get a load of this guy! Watch as a man gets pissed when he misses an elevator, so he rams his motorized scooter into the elevator doors, ultimately breaking the panels and, sadly, plummeting to his eventual death.

via [The Daily What]

-David

Troubled Water

Some people say that this is a video taken in the dining hall of a cruise ship during mad rough seas, and some people say that it is a VISUAL METAPHOR FOR LIFE! Mmmkay? Because in life, as you may know, sometimes we are tossed around by forces beyond our control. One second we are holding onto an overturned cash register, and the next thing we know, we and the register both are flying across the room, and uh oh, look out, here comes ALL THE CHAIRS!
Eventually, one hopes, the skies clear and the ship of LIFE rights itself, and we cruise through crystal blue waters, the sun beating down on our shoulders, and we barely even remember the part where the overweight security guard was holding onto a support beam and screaming at people to return to their rooms. Of course, that is even more metaphorical, since we don’t have a video of a cruise ship on calm waters.
We only have a video of a cruise ship on rough waters. But I am pretty sure that in LIFE as in CRUISE SHIPS, there are both. Plus that in life, as well as in cruise ships, troubled water is best navigated from behind the bar!

Keep Backin Dat Up

I couldnt love this remix more. Unless I found out this lady was related to Sylvia Browne, then I might love it more.

-David

Summer Lovin Had Me A Blast

Well dag. The holiday weekend approaches. And with it, the end of summer. It happens every year, so there’s no reason for us to be surprised. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t carry a hint of sadness with it. The briefest regret that perhaps we are forgetting something. Perhaps an opportunity was missed. All those items on the Summer Bucket List that remain unchecked, and so few days to check them off. Of course, before we know it, we’ll be buried neck-deep in autumn, and any residual regret from a summer wasted will be pushed aside by the annual high-level anxiety over what inanimate object to make “sexy” for Halloween?! And then it will be Christmas. And then we’ll all be dead.

But for today, we momentarily look back, our skin still warm, our hands still raised to shield our eyes from the sun, and that’s when we get it. That’s when we get it right in the face.

And we’re done here, indeed. R.I.P. SUMMER 2010