The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.

Happy Holidays to your family, or some shit

Uh can we all just agree that families are weird? It’s 2011. Can we just finally for once and for all recognize that there are both good and bad things about families, and that it is definitely weird that you have this lifelong bond to people some of whom you might not even like that much, and that there is all this intense stuff about families and your sense of obligations towards families and your sometimes inability to escape the long dark shadow cast by your family, and all of that, but also that some things are pretty great about families and but also that in the end the one thing that is for sure is that we all have families and we all have to figure out how to manage that while also leading our own lives as best we can? It seems like every single year we are rediscovering how weird it is to be in a family, as if we didn’t have families last year, or weren’t paying attention. And here’s another thing about families: everyone’s got to do the work, OK?! Stop complaining.

“I can’t stand my family.” Shut up. Deal with it. No matter what, they definitely MADE YOU, so give them credit for that and then work out the rest. It’s exhausting! We all have headaches already without having to listen to your headache. And you know what, when you start to actually talk about it, your mom sounds fun and nice and like she really loves you, SO CAN IT.

To reiterate: we all have families, all families are weird, but most of them are also kind of great so let’s just do the work of being alive in a world of inter-dependent human beings and try our best all things considered to enjoy what we have as often as possible but this week especially. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Mom Alert

Awww. Your mom seems nice, and obviously you love her.

But she also doesn’t understand ANYTHING.

AND she didn’t read the “STAY OUT, NO MOMS ALLOWED” sign that we put on the door to our Internet. God, your mooooooooom. It’s embarrasssssssssssing.

Dances with Old Ladies

A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into white middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain? What if that’s what you’re into, as it turns out that I am very into?”

Put a ring on it. And some fucking clothes

-David

its called light working

Okay 2012 is coming sooner then we thought, as told by your mom.

-David

Antoine Dodson 4Eva! RUN AND TELL THAT

Well, my mom finally saw the Bed Intruder Remix, because she saw the a clip of it on The Today Show this morning. And what did she have to say about its racial and economic implications?

“I like this song! Catchy. Good beat!”- My Mom 1812-2012

Gaborey Sidibe's Mom Auditions for America's Got Talent

I suppose “Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing me” is still way better than “Stop it, mom, you’re raping me.”

-David

Teen Time

Phew. Oh man, I cannot tell you how relieved I was to finally see that Vodafone sign and confirm this was in the UK, not the US. Sure America has our share of wackadoos, but foriegn people is worse.
Anyone know what they call Chris Hansen in Britain?

-David

Mom Curves Ahead

Finally you too, can have a Mom shaped body.

-David