Lots of times when you get a person on camera they’ll act a little differently than they would otherwise. It’s easy to become more aware of yourself and how you’re being perceived, and it’s very easy to get self conscious. So maybe you act and react a little differently. “This is how I always stand,” you’ll scream to yourself, in your head. “I have to go to the bathroom and look at my face, I think it might look weird right now.”
But sometimes you get a person who just doesn’t give an F what anyone thinks about him, and maybe doesn’t even realize he’s on camera because he is a penguin and doesn’t understand what cameras are, so he’s just totally natural and it’s just so refreshing to see. He’s not trying to impress anyone. He understands the world and he rejects it because it is terrifying. He’s just keeping it real.
Hey, it’s a tough world out there, you guys. JUST ASK OSAMA BIN LADEN, AM I RIGHT? Sorry. But it is a tough world out there. When it comes right down to it, most people are just doing their best to get through the day, and we should all be so lucky as to find one thing that makes us happy in this world. No one else is gonna do it for us! So, if dressing up in footy pajamas and installing a reinforced bottom to a child’s playpen so that it can support 350 pounds of man weight is what’s going to get you from sunup to sundown without blowing your brains out, more Pedialite to you. Here’s one thing, though: if that IS the thing that makes you happy, when the National Geographic camera crew comes around asking if you’ll allow them to film you taking a nappy-nappy in your big boy’s crib, please at least know that “no” is one of the things you can tell them. Keep that one in your back diaper pocket!
I do like that National Geographic doesn’t go into too much detail about how Stanley is able to afford spending HALF HIS LIFE as an adult baby, or where he met Sandra, or any of a million other questions this segment raises, but they do make sure to explain that he doesn’t wear a diaper when he goes out to run errands so as to avoid public humiliation. Uh, pretty sure that was the one thing that did NOT need any further explanation. Feel like we all would have totally been on the same page with why he doesn’t run his errands in a diaper.
OK, team, circle up. Take a knee. We’re going to go out there today and we’re going to show these guys what we’re made of. THIS IS OUR HOUSE! But before we smash their faces into the dirt, I’d like to give the floor over to Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard, who is going to say a few words:
Goats standing on a truck, check. Superman theme music, check. Monkeys riding dogs, check. Answers to questions no one was asking, check.
"The Mexican teen hasn't eaten for the past eight days — consuming only water — in hopes that her bizarre, pathetic stunt will force Will and Kate to invite her to their exclusive wedding celebration." —Don't let 19-year-old Estibalis Chavez, hunger-striking in front of the British Embassy, beat you to the one golden ticket that Prince William and Kate are reserving for whoever horrifies them the most. And that's why I'm going to go somewhere that British people hang out — I don't know, where do they go, the airport? That's why I'm going to go to the airport and run in front of a plane. I hope I don't die, but if I do it was for something I loved.
Genus: Small humanoid. Sub-species of Vegans, also related to Hippies and Hipsters Attacks: Excessive talking, razor-sharp nipples Special Attacks: Crazy eyes Special Qualities: Posting splits, random pec flexing, not knowing what’s going on Skills: Expert smugness, Long-distance running, Fatty shaming Feats: Mountain bench-pressing (Consult rule-book. Dungeon Master’s discretion) Environment: Brooklyn, Denver, Portland OR, state parks Treasure: Small fruits like dates and oranges, video recording device, jean shorts
It's been a while since we've seen this lady. I guess her her success with Sunny D and Run drove her into hiding. But now shes back. And she has a fan.
It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)
Birds is falling from the sky. Death is bubbling up from the lake, killing all the fishes. Everything is dying. People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.
Between this and his lip-dub, with 50 Cents, I’m getting pretty worried about Keenan, you guys. He used to be one of the hardest syncers in the game, but now he is just straight up mocking his former self with this blah-blah-blah laziness. And, uh, I mean, uh, what is going on with the whole, you know DIAMONDS ON HIS FACE AND ALSO WHATS GOING ON WITH THEM CLOTHES?
What is going on here? Obviously our prayers are with Keenan and his family in this difficult time. Everyone is pulling for you, buddy!
That’s not where horses go, but there a horse is. Go figure. OK, so we’re DEFINITELY all just biding our time until the tidal wave comes, not giving a fuck? Every last one of us? Nothing matters. Got it.
Not trying to start any trouble, but that cat is too long. Seriously. It’s too long! Whatever. Don’t get so mad when someone tells you the truth. (Via Urlesque.) -David
News that the apocolypse of 2012 isn't happening was a total bummer. I’m not saying that I want the world to be destroyed in a nightmarish cataclysm of fire and death, but I'm sorry. Once you get your mind set on something it’s hard to switch gears. And it really would have been such a tidy solution to so many problems. Just think: Iraq, Afghanistan, the oil-soaked (still) Gulf coast, the economic crisis, Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, DADT, Al Qaeda, peanut oil on the top of peanut butter that needs to be mixed in but is so hard to mix in without spilling the goddamned oil everywhere, and it stains, the last three episodes of Treme just sitting on the DVR, SO MANY PROBLEMS RESOLVED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYESTEROID. Oh well. Now I guess we just have to dealwithit.gif. Oddly, I’m not sure if the lack of a time constraint makes it more or less important for us each to find our joy in this world. Like, when it was all going poof in two years, it seemed pretty important to find some happiness before The End, but now that we might have to be here for fucking ever, it might actually be even more important because... good grief.
Follow your heart, you guys, wherever it leads you (WITHIN THE RULE OF LAW). Even if that means dressing up your dog as a Na’vi from the movie Avatar. And then also dressing up as a Na’vi yourself? And your dog is, like, a Jake Sully Na’vi, and you are a girl Na’vi, so it’s kind of like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend with your dog in space and have forbidden ponytail Tree of Souls sex that promises you to each other? Yikes. Fair enough! Yay! Happiness! (Could someone please revisit the 2012 math and see if we can’t get back on track?) -David
Just a regular Wednesday morning. No big deal. Just totally regular Wednesday morning stuff. I’m not sure that sheet on the couch is protecting ANYTHING
Who let the dawgs out! Who Who Who Who Who?! Yo cool broheims who think when you grow up you should be allowed to wear jeans to work but that doesn’t mean you won’t work really hard and girls who are empowered by their budding sexuality, which comes from hormones, which are going crazy in all of your bodies right now. It’s been awhile since we’ve kicked it old school, but now we’re slanging on the flippity flop like a bunch of BFFFFs because school is back in sesh, and there’s lots of cool stuff to gossip girls about. XOXOXBOXPS3. One thing that’s super wicked dope is the new Willow Smith video for “Whip My Hair.” OMGod. Did you see it yet? I saw it over in the cafeteria and right away I had to go to my locker and SEXT my Facebooks about it. It’s megaNEAT. Did you know she’s only nine years old? That’s, like, younger than a tween even. TWEENS RULEZ. You can check the video out after the jump, although I’m sure you already totally downloaded it onto your ZunePad. Dope chill.
Anotha one and anotha one. Dag this kid keeps droppin killer lipsync videos. He has the illest lipsync videos in the game son. Aww snap. I am beginning to suspect he is not human and is just a realistic puppet.
There is, of course, the old statistical allegory in which the idea of an infinite number of possibilities is represented by a dozen monkeys (or one immortal monkey, according to Jorge Louis Borges) banging away at the keys of a dozen typewriters for an infinite amount of time will, eventually, through sheer chance, perfectly recreate every book in the British Museum. It is a cute theorem, and it certainly gets the idea across. But I think that we can all agree that a dozen monkeys (or one immortal monkey, or one million monkeys) recording ad infinitum on a dozen (or one infinitely battery-charged, or one million) FlipCams would never come up with half the shit we’re coming up with these days. YOU CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, METAPHORICAL MONKEYS -David
