Do What You Do

Hey, it’s a tough world out there, you guys. JUST ASK OSAMA BIN LADEN, AM I RIGHT? Sorry. But it is a tough world out there. When it comes right down to it, most people are just doing their best to get through the day, and we should all be so lucky as to find one thing that makes us happy in this world. No one else is gonna do it for us! So, if dressing up in footy pajamas and installing a reinforced bottom to a child’s playpen so that it can support 350 pounds of man weight is what’s going to get you from sunup to sundown without blowing your brains out, more Pedialite to you. Here’s one thing, though: if that IS the thing that makes you happy, when the National Geographic camera crew comes around asking if you’ll allow them to film you taking a nappy-nappy in your big boy’s crib, please at least know that “no” is one of the things you can tell them. Keep that one in your back diaper pocket!

I do like that National Geographic doesn’t go into too much detail about how Stanley is able to afford spending HALF HIS LIFE as an adult baby, or where he met Sandra, or any of a million other questions this segment raises, but they do make sure to explain that he doesn’t wear a diaper when he goes out to run errands so as to avoid public humiliation. Uh, pretty sure that was the one thing that did NOT need any further explanation. Feel like we all would have totally been on the same page with why he doesn’t run his errands in a diaper.

Good luck, Stanley!

Sleep My Child

This is also the only way I can fall asleep, by having that guy jam his filthy thumb in my mouth.

-David

This Just In

Mom did a great job on the cinematography. The zooms were magical.

via [bestweekever]

All Hugs

This picture makes me feel high and shit

David

The End of an Era, is Keenan Done?

Between this and his lip-dub, with 50 Cents, I’m getting pretty worried about Keenan, you guys. He used to be one of the hardest syncers in the game, but now he is just straight up mocking his former self with this blah-blah-blah laziness. And, uh, I mean, uh, what is going on with the whole, you know DIAMONDS ON HIS FACE AND ALSO WHATS GOING ON WITH THEM CLOTHES?

What is going on here?
Obviously our prayers are with Keenan and his family in this difficult time. Everyone is pulling for you, buddy!

BREAKING NEWS: CAT HICCUPS THEN FARTS!

We will continue to bring you updates on this story as they occur.


-David

Fifty Face

weve seen these faces before. But now a famous face is added. There are a couple of problems with this. For one, Keenan seems to really be phoning it in in the Lip Dept. What’s going on there, Keenan? That shit lines up with the actual words, like, four times throughout. The rest is just “rhubarb rhubarb peas and carrots.” I know how sloppy lipsynching is done. I watch Drag Race! Don’t be an extra in your own movie, Keenan. The second problem is that I think this was made for Chelsea Lately, and while there’s nothing inherently wrong about a television show getting in (late) on a meme, I don’t trust (or particularly like) Chelsea Handler. Her intentions seem questionable to say the least. I don’t know Chelsea Handler personally, but none of the choices she make ever seem particularly fun? They all seem based on some kind of misguided black hole that’s growing deep at the core of her self-loathing.
All of that being said, I REALLY wish Keenan had his own show called Good Morning, Keenan! where he made lip dubs with other pop singers and then showed you how to make a low-cal Thanksgiving costume for your pet before their wedding. We could watch it together every morning, LIKE A FAMILY.

-David

Hair Do

Who let the dawgs out! Who Who Who Who Who?!
Yo cool broheims who think when you grow up you should be allowed to wear jeans to work but that doesn’t mean you won’t work really hard and girls who are empowered by their budding sexuality, which comes from hormones, which are going crazy in all of your bodies right now. It’s been awhile since we’ve kicked it old school, but now we’re slanging on the flippity flop like a bunch of BFFFFs because school is back in sesh, and there’s lots of cool stuff to gossip girls about. XOXOXBOXPS3.
One thing that’s super wicked dope is the new Willow Smith video for “Whip My Hair.” OMGod. Did you see it yet? I saw it over in the cafeteria and right away I had to go to my locker and SEXT my Facebooks about it. It’s megaNEAT. Did you know she’s only nine years old? That’s, like, younger than a tween even. TWEENS RULEZ. You can check the video out after the jump, although I’m sure you already totally downloaded it onto your ZunePad. Dope chill.

And It Breaks My Heart

When will they learn!

Number of Times Someone Being Made Fun of on the Internet Has Turned to That Very Same Internet with an Emotional Appeal to Stop Being Made Fun Of: 134,695,449

Number of Times This Strategy Has Proven Successful: 0

Number of Times the Internet Has Used These Emotional Appeals to Make Even Harder Fun of Initial Target: 134,695,449

The numbers don’t lie, guys. Be smart. Throw your computers in the garbage can!

David

(Via TheHighDefinite.)

Zits? YUCK!

Holler, dogs. You know, high school is pretty tough what with all the homework and tests and adults who don’t know anything and are such failures in their own lives that they’re just stupid teachers and principals and don’t even have their own TV show like how you’re going to have when you’re an adult. And it doesn’t get any easier when the hormones start kicking in and you get a total case of PIZZA FACE. Bagel Bitez!

The bullies don’t need any more ammo, word up.
But you don’t have to look like Pizza the Hut (Space Balls, dogs!) with ProActiv. It’s super awesome and totally rad, and nothing to be ashamed of because the human body is natural or some shit. And plus that, famous people use it. And if famous people use something, you know that thing is a great thing that you should use, too. “Oh sure, like what famous people, old man who is basically dead and so old? You probably don’t even know who any famous people are, you probably think a famous person is, like, Topher Grace.” Well, I’ll tell you who, brohams, JUSTIN BIEBER THAT IS WHO! Who’s the man now, dawg?!

See its not just for hard-core cases. People who don’t even have zits should probably spend money on this stuff. And the best part is, it’s perfect for kids like Justin Bieber. So, kids who are internationally-renowned multi-millionaire child stars and BFFs forever with Usher. You know, normal kids!

Watch It

I think Watermelons must be mad addictive or some shit. This one time Joanna's Grandma Mary Z ate a whole entire one at once, and she had to go to the hospital. Eventually the baby will be doing like the guy below, its only a matter of time.

-David

Pants Off Baby Dance Off

There are lots of dancing babies out there. This is just one of the better ones.

Is he the best? I don’t think that’s even a question worth asking. Stop trying to put a label on everything, man. Besides, dancing babies are like pizza. There’s no such thing as bad dancing pizza!

-David

Baby Jam

This is an incredible Lady Gaga tribute, yes, but it’s an even better advertisement for having children. You can make them do whatever you want and they have no idea. The only question now is DO THE BABIES QUALIFY FOR AMAZON SUPERSAVER FREE SHIPPING? I will take three of them.

-David

Give Me That

Oh my god my evil black heart is just exploding with love for puppies.

-David

Careful Humping

Hey listen kids, I'm not like other moms, i'm a cool mom okay? If you guys are gonna drink, I want you to do it here, in the house. And if you're gonna hump dogs, use protection okay.

-David

BieberFever!

Last night my Mom was like "Who's Justin Bieber?" and I was like "GET OUT OF MY ROOM, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"
At least the teens in the YouTube comments know whats up!

airamcrystal01 : "I WAS THE 87TH PERSON TO WATCH THIS! THIS IS ICREDIBLE, IM SO PROUD OF JUSTIN AND IT WAS EVERYTHING WE WANTED PLUS MORE. IM STILL HAVING BIEBERGASMS. OH AND THANK TEH LORD THAT THEY DIDNT KISS! (THEY PROBS DID BACKSTAGE BT OH WELL) COZ I WOULD HAVE PASSED OUT. AHH I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO!!!1!!!!1!!!! :D :D."

-David

I JUST LOVE HIM!

I just wish that Mom would freakin' shut up. GAWD MOM. Moms seriously just don't understand. Sometimes we do have to cry because we love Justin Bieber. How about that, Ginger kid is not the only one on YouTube coining brilliant quotes.
"I bet that's Justin Bieber"! I'm going to say that every time the phone rings for the rest of my life.

-David

Add It Up

-David

Cute is 0 Calories

The hardest friggin part about a diet is what the eff are you supposed to eat when you are relaxing?! I understand, a shake for breakfast a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner- but what about in between? What are you supposed to do then? Put down your Combos and Bugles, get you some grapes or some fruit. I think those little mothers are 0 Weight Watcher's Points. Eat and many of them shits as you want! And I think wine is also allowed since it is pretty much just grapes. Eat all the wine and grapes you want. Also remember to treat yourself to a nerve pill now and then, also 0 Points.

-David

Back To The Cats

The world is nothing: a pointless accident, a mechanical chaos of casual brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. Each one of us exist singularly, absolutely alone. All the rest, what you see around you, is merely what pushes you, or what you push against, blindly- as blindly as all that is not you, pushes back. You create the universe blink by blink. An ugly god pitifully dying in an empty space. So, lets go back to the basics: Cat Videos. Here we have a lovely tortoiseshell meowing and being groomed. I am not sure if she is pissed or happy, but I am sure she is cute and is just a baby.

-David