The Worst Got Worse

For once, I kind of appreciate YouTube commenters’ ability to just get right to it:

Bad Teens

And so natural selection continues...

Watch Your Mouth

From the Science Museum London:

A ‘Scold’s bridle’ is a fearsome looking mask which fits tightly on to the head. A scold was defined as a “rude, clamorous woman.” The bridle was used as a punishment for women considered to be spending too much time gossiping or quarrelling. … The custom developed in Britain in the 1500s, and spread to some other European countries, including Germany. When wearing the mask it was impossible to speak. This example has a bell on top to draw even more attention to the wearer, increasing their humiliation.

"OK, but then what if we added a bell?"

Bad Choices

“The real problem with tattoos is that they’re not permanent ENOUGH. Sure, I will have this on my body for the rest of my life, and obviously that’s great news, but what about after I die? What if I get to heaven and I’m trapped in some stupid, unblemished, perfect form of my body, without any awesome, clever tattoos that are just so funny and so clever and just such a smart thing to put on my body forever and representative of the best decision I ever made, definitely? Or even worse: what if I just become pure energy? Because, if heaven really is this awesome place where all you do is ride roller coasters with your dead pets and eat ice cream with Michael Jackson, then surely there must be some kind of tattoo parlor up there, right? I mean, if heaven is where you get to enjoy all your favorite things, and since my favorite thing is coming up with awesome tattoo ideas and then making those tattoo ideas a reality to the point where my friends are like “You are so good at coming with great tattoos and if we were you we would just quit our jobs and stay at home all day looking at our awesome tattoo and feeling good about our priorities in life and our decision making skills,” then surely there’s a tattoo parlor made out of clouds where you can get tattoos in eternal ink. That will be awesome. But if we’re just pure energy at one with the Universe and I can’t have this Britney Spears tattoo, which is just the best thing, a FACT on which we all agree, I’m sure, then I’m going to super bummed FOREVER.”

-David

Ack!

Well now I am pissed and sad.
Cathy Guisewite has announced the end of Cathy.
Ack! Now what am I supposed to read every day? Ack! She was the only one who understood my love of shopping, and how hard it is to find a good man, and how difficult mettlesome mothers can be! ACK!
-David

Watch It

I think Watermelons must be mad addictive or some shit. This one time Joanna's Grandma Mary Z ate a whole entire one at once, and she had to go to the hospital. Eventually the baby will be doing like the guy below, its only a matter of time.

-David

Da Poo Poo REMIX

Well what was The Internet supposed to do? Not make a remix out of everything?

-David

Da Poo Poo

For a pastor, he is surprisingly timid when licking that pantomimed asshole.

-David

This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

I think we can all remember where we were when we first discovered the comedic stylings of Daniel Songer. (Because we were all here.) Now, four long, memorable months later, Daniel Songer is hanging up his trademark khaki shorts, and turning the porch bug zapper off for the last time. Yes, this week on Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg, comedian, entertainer, dancer, and poet Daniel Songer announces that he is retiring from comedy. Oh no! Well, it was an epic career. And there is no shame in wanting to go out on top, as a living legend. Which is exactly what Daniel Songer does in this video, which includes both a heartfelt thank you to his fans, and some of the classic Daniel Songer comedy bits that remind us all why he has those fans in the first place.

-David

Attention All Nerds

Everyone be yourselves. Express yourself. But not that much.
Nerds! Listen! You need to be more careful! As you nerds get older, there is this weird thing that happens where all of the social anxiety that you had felt for most of your life that forced you deeper and deeper into a non-traditional lifestyle centered around your idiosyncratic interests and hobbies becomes this kind of social confidence in which you proudly express the nerd that you have become.

Now, on the one hand, this is great. It suggests that you nerds have found a certain level of happiness and self-esteem that you were lacking before. You’ve discovered that everyone in the world is doing their best to make it through the day, and while some people wrap themselves in the defensive armor of the status quo, you have opted for the more difficult path, and yet here you are, a proud nerd, still standing tall. Good for you! You are an interesting and complex human being, perhaps more interesting and complex than most, which means that you really are the special snowflake that your mom and math teachers always told you that you were to get you to stop crying.
"I collect magic the gathering cards! I belong to nerd message boards. I am invincible!"

But nerds, it is important for you to recognize, even in this new era of daring and bravery, that if someone is videotaping you karate dancing at a party, they don’t have your best interests at heart. It is still because they think you are a nerd, and they want to tease the nerd. I know it might seem like the videotaping is a compliment coming from people who don’t know how to karate dance because they don’t have the training, but it is not a compliment.
-David

The End is Nigh

CopperCab's prophecy has come true.

-David

Bad Breath

At first I was thinking what the heck is this wackadoo going on about. Then I saw Mike Read in them blue shorts, and now I get it.

-David

Springtime for Hitler

Great news everyone ! Springtime has arrived...Violently awaking Mother Nature by method of shaking and slapping.

And just like last year and the year before.............. She's super mad pissed at Sarah B. Lund.
An ensemble of diva demon hormones are wreaking mass havoc.
Welcome back Melasma/Chloasma ! Imaculate mask of pregnancy FTW !
Good thing I hang around CVS often. Dr. Varon's skin bleaching system promises to solve all of my crayola mustache face problems.
Lady Troubles......Reality Whooooot !



*Sarah

Hopsital Boyfriend

There is a delicate formula needed in caclulating how delish someone is, or even if they are delish at all. Like for example this guy is good looking, but he has that horrible Australian accent and calls The Hospital just 'Hospital', and calls a cooler an 'Eskie'. Verdict- not delish. Ashton Kutcher is handsome but also is a wack tweeting hollywierdo. Verdict- not delish. When you break most things down and really weigh the pros and cons out on paper you'll find not only most things are not delish, most things are terrible.

-David

The Worst Eyed Peas

Not to be a hater, but I freakin' hate the Black Eyed Peas. Usually when I post a long video like this, I would ask you guys to watch the whole thing. Not here. Don't bother. This mother is like ten minutes long, and its terrible, every minute of it. Basically the Black Eyed Peas are in the future, Fergie is doing a wack Beyonce single ladies impression, and there are some Terminator 3 Salvation: Rise of the Machines walking around. Thats pretty much it.
The only thing worse then this actual video is the realization that for the rest of the year I will be hearing all the garbage people in my neighborhood mumbling the chorus "I'ma be, I'ma be". I know there is something to be said for the power of positive thinking but, if you're a Black Eyed Peas fan, you're pretty much not gonna be doing nothing. Just sayin'.

P.S. Fergie is right when she said at the beginning of the video that you guys are not robots, because robots are just sophisticated machines, they are not stupid assholes who think every day is Halloween and The Matrix just came out.
-David

Dare 2 Dream

The world as we've known it is going to radically change for the worst in 2012, Scientists are all telling us that, it's a fact. The Star Trek styled future once imagined by previous generations will never happen. So what do we do with our remaining 2 years?
When I was home for the holiday I was at our neighbors house, after hearing that I lived in New York, our neighbors daughter, a full grown woman about 45 years old, asked if I had even been to Times Square for New Year's Eve. She told me it has always been her dream to go to Times Square for News Year Eve.
Some dreams are real hard, like becoming a character on The Hills, falling in love with Brody Jenner and then having your own spin off reality show about you and Brody and the life you are building together, or meeting Robert Pattinson, and becoming a vampire with him, and living for eternity with him in a castle. So most times these challenging dreams are never even attempted let alone realized.
But if you dream means standing outside in the middle of a freezing New York winter for hours, pressed against fellow midwestern tourists, all looking at nothing in particular, then you better get to work and REALIZE THAT DREAM! We only have 2 years left you guys, lets make the most of it.
-David

Sadder, Funnier and Realer

Fresh from the driveway between the neighbor's house and his own, Ginger is back, and now he has legal reasonings for things. Man, he has a lot to say here. But let me just go ahead a summarize it for you guys. The bottom line is basically this: "So, you can't tell me nothing, I do what I want. Everybody shut up."

At the risk of being a hater I have to say the fact that his beady eyes remain unblinking throught all of his videos is not helping his argument that have souls.

-David

For MLK Day

Sometimes you come across things on the web that can be very confusing in a lot of different ways. Like, if I had to judge this clip and had a triangular graphic equalizer with sides labled FUNNY, SAD, REAL, then I would probably mark X in the center of the triangle with a ;-( face next to it. So many emotions! And though it has been about 33 years since I was last legally allowed in a highschool I know that public addressing of teen haters will not help this Ginger's cause. Stop now! I know this is a Blog about fashion and finding the kewlest jeans, but let me address this kid directly and offer a few words of advice. Ginger: Shut your G.D. mouth. Get off Youtube and keep your head down in school for chrissakes, do not anwser questions in class, it will only draw attention to your gay Ginger voice, continue to have lunch with the teachers and if you play your cards right you maybe will be able to get your butt outta there in one piece. Also become good at something like computers or some shit. But stay off Youtube.

-David

UNICORN MEMAW

I recently celebrated my surrogate Memaw's 90th bday, and it occurred to me that I have never google image searched 'Memaw." Are you joking me? How is that possible? Well, I got down on it last night and after like the 25th page, I came across this Memaw that grew a mad long horn on her head. The craziest part is that this 69 year old Memaw noticed it growing 20 years ago! I guess at some point we all just have to accept our flaws and say to hell with it all.

No Legs No Problem

As I have said before, I am used to seeing celebrities all over the city. But this one was a real suprise. Today I road the subway with the 'I have no legs' man from the movie KIDS. Do you remember him? He got his name because he has no legs, and he is always saying "I have no legs." Fair enough. In the spirit of full disclosure I cannot be 100% sure it was the same guy, however I am sure that he had no legs.
-David