Some News

Hey I know most of you guys reading this come here for news and stuff, so I meant to tell you guys that Osama Bin Laden is dead. He got caught and killed, so just so you guys know.

David

The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.

We Are The Turkey

It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)

Well Sorrrriiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee....

Denise Crull Is Our Generation’s Antoine Dodson

Nothing Makes Any Sense

Birds is falling from the sky. Death is bubbling up from the lake, killing all the fishes.
Everything is dying.
People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.

Ultimate Street Fight, Cats and Crows

The Battle may be over. But The War, has just begun

David

Diffrent Strokes

You know, the thing that people didn’t talk a lot about during the whole Chilean Miner Crisis/Celebration 2010 was how weird it is for people to even be in the MOLTEN CORE OF THE PLANET in the first place. You know what I mean? Like, we are all very glad that things worked out the way that they did in the end (especially this guy) but it’s a strange world, to say the least, where the world’s eyes are fixed on a straw-sized tube in the ground through which human beings travel like bubble tea through a mile of rock from this tiny hole where they spent three months wondering how their brains hadn’t melted out their ears yet. You know? I’m not saying that I understand the intricacies of certain resource requirements that our modern global lifestyles demand of our sad sweet planet, or the difficult and risky methods by which we secure those things so that our iPads blink in the night. I’m just saying that we can have LIFELIKE dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movie and yet human beings still have to travel into the heart of darkness and sometimes shit happens and you’re just like fuck.
And so, whether you are on the surface of the planet, or deep within its nightmare confines, you do have to find something to make you happy before you are buried (one way or the other). For example, starting up a YouTube account expressly for the purpose of posting your Aspberger-fueled video tours of midwestern Bed, Bath and Beyond elevators

-David

Back it Up

Sorry about those robbers. However, the real crime is that she isn’t called upon to bear witness to EVERYTHING. “Eccentric Witness Describes…” could be a whole series.
Via Dlisted

-David

PTSD 4 Everyone!

Dear 2012,
I know we agreed December 21st, 2012, was when the world would end, but if you feel like ending sooner, please feel free. Anytime, really. We are all pretty much done here.
Sincerely, People Working As Hard As They Can To Make Sure Everything On Earth Has Effing PTSD

David

Club Living Room

Just like anyone of us, he takes a minute to get into the zone, but when he gets into the zone, HE IS IN THE ZONE.

-David

Bad Breath

At first I was thinking what the heck is this wackadoo going on about. Then I saw Mike Read in them blue shorts, and now I get it.

-David

Rue Go Girl

I don't know which local theater troop this masterpiece belongs to... or what the hell it is.

I just think it's the beez knees....a captivating photoshop.
Keep on truckin Rue&Crew.



*Sarah

UPDATE; It's some sort of mini series about old ladies and gays... and also some other people doing things.
Sordid Lives

Fashion Styles

Old fashioned time was surely the golden era in clothing commercials. I want to wear those pants when I travel through a mirror to a parallel dimension of pure light and sound.

-David

Spider Man Returnz

After surviving for two weeks on only mustard and Wetzel's Pretzels from the mall, YOU KNOW WHO, is finally squeezed back in her spider suit and is feeling more sensual then ever. Good for you girl, we should all be so lucky to find something in this world that makes us happy

-David

I JUST LOVE HIM!

I just wish that Mom would freakin' shut up. GAWD MOM. Moms seriously just don't understand. Sometimes we do have to cry because we love Justin Bieber. How about that, Ginger kid is not the only one on YouTube coining brilliant quotes.
"I bet that's Justin Bieber"! I'm going to say that every time the phone rings for the rest of my life.

-David

The Worst Eyed Peas

Not to be a hater, but I freakin' hate the Black Eyed Peas. Usually when I post a long video like this, I would ask you guys to watch the whole thing. Not here. Don't bother. This mother is like ten minutes long, and its terrible, every minute of it. Basically the Black Eyed Peas are in the future, Fergie is doing a wack Beyonce single ladies impression, and there are some Terminator 3 Salvation: Rise of the Machines walking around. Thats pretty much it.
The only thing worse then this actual video is the realization that for the rest of the year I will be hearing all the garbage people in my neighborhood mumbling the chorus "I'ma be, I'ma be". I know there is something to be said for the power of positive thinking but, if you're a Black Eyed Peas fan, you're pretty much not gonna be doing nothing. Just sayin'.

P.S. Fergie is right when she said at the beginning of the video that you guys are not robots, because robots are just sophisticated machines, they are not stupid assholes who think every day is Halloween and The Matrix just came out.
-David

Cute is 0 Calories

The hardest friggin part about a diet is what the eff are you supposed to eat when you are relaxing?! I understand, a shake for breakfast a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner- but what about in between? What are you supposed to do then? Put down your Combos and Bugles, get you some grapes or some fruit. I think those little mothers are 0 Weight Watcher's Points. Eat and many of them shits as you want! And I think wine is also allowed since it is pretty much just grapes. Eat all the wine and grapes you want. Also remember to treat yourself to a nerve pill now and then, also 0 Points.

-David

Never Forget Kate Gosselin

The world gets what its wants. Its the law of attraction and its proven science. Due to the demand of the public, the new Twilight moving will come out in June, scientists have invented jeans you can sleep in, and Kate Gosselin is around because people want her to be. People want to know things about her. People want so badly to know more about her that she had to write a book called I Just Want You to Know. People will for sure buy that book, and pay for it using money that they earned at their jobs. What a world.
-David

Sadder, Funnier and Realer

Fresh from the driveway between the neighbor's house and his own, Ginger is back, and now he has legal reasonings for things. Man, he has a lot to say here. But let me just go ahead a summarize it for you guys. The bottom line is basically this: "So, you can't tell me nothing, I do what I want. Everybody shut up."

At the risk of being a hater I have to say the fact that his beady eyes remain unblinking throught all of his videos is not helping his argument that have souls.

-David

Baby Daddy, Just a Baby!

You guys it looks like Sarah's Pops has some competition for the 'WORLD'S BEST DAD!' title. How cute right? SO CUTE! I'm gonna get those cheeks. Leeme get those cheeks I'm gonna eat those cheeks. But also scary right? What are those background dancers doing? They shouldn't be doing that. I think I have to go to jail for watching that part. And what the? It gets scary when MINI DADDY starts pointing his finger and making a mean face. Is that supposed to be a gun? That part is scary. Is that racist of me to say? I have so many feelings. Does anyone out there know what he is rapping about? I'm guessing its something about childhood diabeetus?

After doing some more research and cementing my future in jail, I found that apparently this is a cultural thing I didn't understand. Lots of times husky precocious foreign boys rap with overtly sexualized pre-pubescent girls Zanger Bob

-David