Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.

Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.

You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Freakin Pissed Lady Bug Wonders "WHERE DID I LEAVE MY PURSE?!"

"Oh my goddd where did I put it, under this? Ugh, shit, no, under this?! God, why am I such a moron. OK it must be in — god DAMN it, I need to put it in the same place every time. Let this be a lesson, I guess, or whatever. OK, yes, duh, there it is, I know that's the — shit!! Where the hell is my PURSE?! I have places to BE! People to bite, shirts to crawl down. Let's DO THIS, come on, come on, come on."

Mom Alert

Awww. Your mom seems nice, and obviously you love her.

But she also doesn’t understand ANYTHING.

AND she didn’t read the “STAY OUT, NO MOMS ALLOWED” sign that we put on the door to our Internet. God, your mooooooooom. It’s embarrasssssssssssing.

Ultimate Street Fight, Cats and Crows

The Battle may be over. But The War, has just begun

David

Mad Man

Get a load of this guy! Watch as a man gets pissed when he misses an elevator, so he rams his motorized scooter into the elevator doors, ultimately breaking the panels and, sadly, plummeting to his eventual death.

via [The Daily What]

-David

Gay Games

Well here he is for better or worse (mostly worse.) Sarah's boyfriend she met gaming online.

Sure, sometimes she wishes her boyfriend wouldn’t spend so much time–all of his waking life–playing videogames on-line with his friends, but he’s just a very passionate person, and that is what she loves about him. Besides, his gaming headset kind of looks cute on him. Not as cute as, say, not wearing an gaming headset, but if he’s going to wear a gaming headset, he could look worse. Anyway, Sarah is sure that one day he will turn all the focus and attention and passion and excitement and emotional investment he has for videogames to his relationship with her, and when that day comes, it is just going to be so wonderful. She loves him so much. She can hardly wait.

-David

Ack!

Well now I am pissed and sad.
Cathy Guisewite has announced the end of Cathy.
Ack! Now what am I supposed to read every day? Ack! She was the only one who understood my love of shopping, and how hard it is to find a good man, and how difficult mettlesome mothers can be! ACK!
-David

There She Go

Sarah is the best but everyone has their faults. I mean I would be the first to admit that Sarah has a bit of a temper. You know that, of course you know that. If she can’t have her way, if, for example,the lady at a McDonald’s drive-thru window tells her that she can’t order chicken McNuggets because it’s 6:30 in the morning and they are not serving chicken McNuggets yet, sure, she’ll get out of the car and start trying to crack some skullz. No doubt about it. But that’s just her passion coming to the surface. She is a woman filled with passion. And covered in pink jersey cotton. I love her so much.

-David

Big Trouble DA REMIX

Well this goes against my usually strict policy of not laughing at sobbing 11 year olds, but you know what. I have to make an exception and LOL the heck out of this.
"Consequences will never be the same"
-David

How many syllable clapping arguments do you get in to the point where you need to talk about it?
How many penises does it take before you realize that maybe chatroulette isn’t the best place to go if that is something you hate?
Also, you are on chatroulette to connect to someone? ;-(
How close are you following the person in front of you while driving that you have to slam on the brakes all the time?
Why do you hate other people’s pants?

I can understand the drinking from the carton thing, though. That complaint has been around since Aeschylus i think, when the Greeks were drinking straight from the cow’s teats.

-David

Big Trouble!

Oh dag, the Dad has backtraced it. Cyber-police is on their way. Consequences will for sure never be the same.

ps- also funny, same girl being a bad tween, before the mad crying.

-David

You know what I hate? Child abduction. Hate it! Yuck! Oh, child abduction is the worst. I have always felt this way. You can go through everything I have ever written or said in my entire life (although stay out of my thoughts, you precogs!) and you will never find me arguing in FAVOR of child abduction. “David? He is firmly and publicly against child abduction” is the kind of thing someone might say about me, if asked about my thoughts and/or opinions on the violent kidnapping of innocent children. My motto is “Children should be seen, not heard, nor abducted.” Anyway, I’m belaboring the point now, but I think you get it: thumbs down, kidnappers. Boo! Get off the van!
That being said, I also hate this amber alert PSA in which a bunch of “moms” shoot automatic weapons in slow motion while making screamy faces. Yikes. You guys, I’m worried about these moms!
As horrible and scary as child abduction (which I hate!) is, human beings shooting automatic weapons is also horrible and scary. Regardless of how ill-fitting their pants and sweaters are! Of course, the worst part about this ad is that the whole thing comes laced with a heavy layer of irony (moms and mom jeans and action guns and heavy music and slow-motion and an aesthetically modern background) and personally, when it comes to child abduction, which I abhor and will always abhor no matter how strong your pro-child abduction argument may be, irony has no place. Child abduction is one of the few things in this world that remains irony-free. Because of how, you know, it is entirely terrible.

-David

RELAX, Ginger Kid is Alive

I know that a lot of you have been WORRIED, because you simply ASSUMED that Ginger Kid was DEAD. Well, he’s not dead. If he was dead then he wouldn’t be making this video. Because you’re not allowed to yell so much in heaven. Anyway, welcome back to the Land of the Living, Ginger. It is nice to see that you have gotten your forum back for expressing your feelings. All of those feelings that you have. Ginger Kid’s feelings really run the gamut. So many different feelings to express. These videos are just a roller-coaster of human emotion, for sure.

-David

Sad Sag

Holy smokes you guys. I mean, on the one hand, I guess New York State Senator Eric Adams (D) has a point. Sagging pants can maybe open the door to negative stereotyping (although one could then make the counter-argument that changing one’s “uncivilized” dress in order to conform and appeal to society’s expectations is itself a stereotype, and then we could have time for rebuttals from both sides on the BUS TO RACE JAIL). But on the other hand, something tells me that as America continues to limp through two wars abroad, and struggles to pull itself out of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, when gay marriage remains illegal in 45 states including New York, with widespread unemployment and plummeting property values, all within an impossibly divisive partisan political climate, and only two years before the inevitable 2012 Apocalypse, maybe this doesn’t need to be anyone’s KEY ISSUE. Like, maybe, just for the time being, there are MORE IMPORTANT THINGS GOING ON THAN PANTS. OKAY? HELLO.

Go ahead...say It to my face.

I have been getting allot of Sh*t lately from people saying that i have been posting too mad much on Facebook. And to those people I say "suck my butt !!!" I am an expert on things that are not fair and you know what. THAT'S NOT FAIR !!!!!
How dare anyone judge my web activity? Last time I checked the web is a place where all types of people and animals and transgendered folks can do whatever they want whenever they want to..with the exception of posting child pornography and selling soiled panties on ebay. (not fair)
So what? everyone is too busy and important and boring to be active on Facebook? I have things i need to say and stuff i need to share for your enjoyment. That's right. Always thinking of how i can entertain you norms while keeping a safe distance hidden away inside my cave of loneliness.
Yeah ok maybe i do have other things to do and plans for my life. Maybe those plans prolly won't happen no matter what. The Dude is not going to transform into a giant lumberjack and take me away to the land of roaring beer rapids and baby back rib shacks. There is no town of giants where i would be a petite delicate flower and everyone would text me in the same way that normal size people get texts. A world where maybe I might even get asked out on a real life date.
Yeah right that ain't gunna happen. So what the heck do you expect me to do?

Allz i'm saying is unless you want me calling and texting you in an attempt to have an IRL relationship ..meaning you would have to be seen with me in public and possibly even talk to me on the phone...... like three times a year at least...then just shut your hole.
Clearly no body wants that.
Just let me gab publicly on facebook with my few web friends who get me. gawd freakin jeesh
STOP HATING HATERS.


*Sarah

Back To The Cats

The world is nothing: a pointless accident, a mechanical chaos of casual brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. Each one of us exist singularly, absolutely alone. All the rest, what you see around you, is merely what pushes you, or what you push against, blindly- as blindly as all that is not you, pushes back. You create the universe blink by blink. An ugly god pitifully dying in an empty space. So, lets go back to the basics: Cat Videos. Here we have a lovely tortoiseshell meowing and being groomed. I am not sure if she is pissed or happy, but I am sure she is cute and is just a baby.

-David

More Faces, More Ginger

Poor Ginger, in his awful rage and horrible confusion he came to the conclusion that a YouTube commenter with the name "IShatOnU" would be both "better than that" and "have respect for others". Anyway he dosn't even care what Ishatonu says. He dosn't care so much, that he'll make a four and a half minute video about it. See! Don't care! To his credit what he lacks in logic and reasoning, he makes up for with wild and wacky faces. Holy smokes those faces. Some of the best faces out there. In a very different way then Zac Efron.
-David

Not Today, Racist Stereotypes

I am sick of people's stereotypes. I mean for example people are always saying 'Oh Asian people can't rap' and 'Asian people can only do computers and math and stuff. OK people, you know what, maybe that is true, but quit saying that stuff. How dare you try and deny anyone his god given right to clap squat and point on rooftops?! Who is anyone to say anything!
It's a difficult world we live in! Even if you do manage to carve out some small corner of your own somewhere, where you can be yourself and enjoy your life, there's someone waiting just on the other side of the door with an axe and a friggin bullhorn or blog. He is going to shout in your face and tear your house down! He is gonna punch you and knock you down then sit on your face and FARTINYOURFACE. You know how the world is. It's important to fight for what you want, because you are rarely allowed to just have it. Defend your home. Do your raps. Ignore the haters. It's no one else's life! Who is anyone to say anything! Go for it!
-David

Leave Joy Alone!

I never gave a crap about all that stuff with Conan and Jay Leno. What does any of it have to do with me? So what? Who cares?!

Now there is a new feud thats grabbing America's attention, and involved is day time diva Joy Behar and champion hot dog eater (her secret is dunking them in water) Kirstie Alley. I don't know exactily how this feud started, and I can't be bothered to look into it, I'm not a journalist, this is a blog. What I do know is Kirstie Alley has lost her mind and is writing crazy tweets!

"CHEATING is between a husband and wife. Not TMZ and Joy Bewhore...God, I want to bash her in the vagina with her microphone."- Kirstie Alley

I've watched enough Jenny Jones to know cheating is between more then a husband and a wife, there is usually a mistress or misteress it can be two women, two men, and nobody has to be married for one of the people to cheat. It will still count. Kirstie Alley if you read this webblog let me tell you what, maybe your blood sugar is low, I know what that is like, but lady you need to get audited because you are mad full of thetans saying all those kinda curses and you are making no sense.

-David

Stupid French People

This video brings me to a topic I have been looking to broach for weeks now. So I'll just go ahead and broach it. Lets be clear, I'm not I'm a hater, I'll say that right now. I recognize this video is from the 70s or some shit, and thats part of the reason it looks wack. But there is a bigger problem with this video, a problem that goes beyond time, and I'm gonna talk about it, and in examining this problem we have to look an even bigger problem, France.

OK back to the video. lets consider the video. The costumes, wack, the special effects, wack- but I will give a PASS to both these issues of wackness due to the fact that this video was made in the 70s. This is also sort of how 70s American TV shows looked. The real problem is what the heck kind of Star Wars spoof (I'm being generous here) leaves out Han Solo or Obi Wan Kenobi?! I dont even know who those characters are, I think one was Harrison Ford, but I'm not sure, anyway I know that there was more to the story then that robot and Darth Vader! French people either get it right or make your own entertainment. That is the problem!

Which leads us to the bigger issue, France in general is wack. Here are some FACTS

French men often have gay ass names like Marie
French people all smoke a ton, and do it everywhere
The French are wusses and have lost about every war they were involved in
They have created no good TV shows ever, they are all unfunny
I could go on, but this isn't Xenophobic Vintage. Its OHHAI VINTAGE, so I will work on finding more videos and pictures that relate to fashion and animals.

-David