You know what I hate? Child abduction. Hate it! Yuck! Oh, child abduction is the worst. I have always felt this way. You can go through everything I have ever written or said in my entire life (although stay out of my thoughts, you precogs!) and you will never find me arguing in FAVOR of child abduction. “David? He is firmly and publicly against child abduction” is the kind of thing someone might say about me, if asked about my thoughts and/or opinions on the violent kidnapping of innocent children. My motto is “Children should be seen, not heard, nor abducted.” Anyway, I’m belaboring the point now, but I think you get it: thumbs down, kidnappers. Boo! Get off the van!
That being said, I also hate this amber alert PSA in which a bunch of “moms” shoot automatic weapons in slow motion while making screamy faces. Yikes. You guys, I’m worried about these moms!
As horrible and scary as child abduction (which I hate!) is, human beings shooting automatic weapons is also horrible and scary. Regardless of how ill-fitting their pants and sweaters are! Of course, the worst part about this ad is that the whole thing comes laced with a heavy layer of irony (moms and mom jeans and action guns and heavy music and slow-motion and an aesthetically modern background) and personally, when it comes to child abduction, which I abhor and will always abhor no matter how strong your pro-child abduction argument may be, irony has no place. Child abduction is one of the few things in this world that remains irony-free. Because of how, you know, it is entirely terrible.

-David

Baby Jam

This is an incredible Lady Gaga tribute, yes, but it’s an even better advertisement for having children. You can make them do whatever you want and they have no idea. The only question now is DO THE BABIES QUALIFY FOR AMAZON SUPERSAVER FREE SHIPPING? I will take three of them.

-David

I Want More Things

There is no inherent purpose in life. Each of us give life our own purpose. In the end, we will all die, and inexorably all of our accomplishments (reading the entire internet) will be turned to dust and we will be forgotten.
What is the point of trying to feed the hungry or house the homeless? Instead, seize upon what is important. Seek whatever material pleasures you can from life, collect whatever worldly goods you possibly can, and then just sit on them; you don't have to do anything with them because there really is no point to any of it. My recommendation is that you should be buying all the things you can.
What better place to buy things then the Sky Mall catalog? Lets look at 5 things you should buy before you die.

1.) Wine Glass Necklace. Coming to terms with your mortality in a godless world can really work your nerve. And if you happen to be an older individual, you'll find this realization extra upsetting, your time is limited. What you need, everyone needs, is a drink. Problem is, wine glasses can be hard to hold when your hands are trembling and you are crying (trust me I know), that's why it's great to have a wine glass holder necklace.

2.) Waistband Stretcher. While you wait for your Pajama Jeans to come, you'll need to have on hand a pair of pants that fit, just in case one of your cats gets a bad eye infection and you have to rush to the vet.

3.) Sexy Lingerie Shirt. I am just in love with this shirt, seriously what a hoot. Even if my cats can't read, and the last person who stepped foot inside my apartment was a hoarding counselor 12 years ago, this shirt makes ME feel good and that's whats important.

4.) Siamese Slanket. Why was the Snuggie such a hit? Doesn't anyone realize Slanket was there first? This is the same thing that happened with Britney and Christina, Backstreet and N*Sync and the movie Ants and A Bug's Life. Whats been wack is that the Slanket and Snuggie never came in plus sizes, responding to my letters of complaint the companies stated that their products were ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that's a load of bologna. If you're a full figured individual, treat yourself to one of these, don't struggle and diet to fit into mainstream society's idea of "standard" Snuggie or Slanket size.

5.) Lighted Slippers. Shuffling around a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night trying to prepare yourself a midnight snack as dozens of cats bob and weave between your ankles like football players running drills can really be a hazard. Just be careful with these though, I've noticed they do help me see where I'm going but some of the friskier cats are attracted to the light and this can be a problem.

Medical Breakthrough

Millions of dollars critical to research fighting Cancer and AIDS have been diverted, precious resources rerouted as medical science unanimously put all else on hold, and committed itself entirely to build a living Avatar for 22 year old Long Beach resident and future childless cat hoarder, Sarah B. Lund. Modeled on the brainchild of James Cameron, a multinational team of scientists and bio engineers have worked tirelessly to bring this compelling concept shown in the film, to a living breathing reality, the fusion of Human and Navi DNA.
The bad news is the Avatar is still plus sized and there is nothing they could do about that.
-David

Sex Can Wait

I want to speak directly to the young women out there who aren't afraid to find their own voices and make a difference in this world, where you at my peeps? Yo, you dogs, let me lay down some wisdom for you. Being a virgin is no big whoop. FACT: we are ALL born virgins and plenty of people remain virgins their whole entire lives, so what, who cares, nobody! Being a virgin can even be an asset. Yes its true, put your razr scooter down, take off your walkman headphones and let me tell you about Sarah Jane Newberry. Pictured above right she is a kewl lady from England who has never had sex ever, never in her whole life, even counting anal. Its not like she hasn't had the option, she had boyfriends (check the ex-boyfriend section of the site). But she's chosen not to let anybody put it in her and for her it's worked out well. Look she has a website of her own and everything!
-David

EXTREME FACE MAKEOVER: FORIEGN FACES EDITION!1!

Another year has crept by and the planet's taken one more spin around the sun. As we get older, we inevitably begin to reflect on the choices we've made in life that have brought us to this particular point. Things rarely turn out the way that we think or hope, and some of the heavy, inevitable truths of aging and the vagaries of middle-to-old age cannot be imagined or understood until they are experienced. One morning you look in the mirror and it's your father (or your mother) staring back at you. And yet, no decision or path taken can be disentangled from any other decision or path. As we learned from the philosophical treatise Sliding Doors, you are the inextricable accumulation of an infinite number of choices leading towards one compound outcome. Or, if physicist Brian Greene is to be believed, then our existence is just one of an infinite number of mirror existences in the multi-verse, each holding an opportunity or possibility or hair color (Sliding Doors!) being somehow expressed simultaneously in the far reaches of the universe.
Would our world be any different if German Chancellor Angela wore pink frosted lipstick and a Bumpit? We may never know.

Justice, Star Style

I don't care what people say, Star Jones rules.
via NYPOST
-David

I Meme Bussiness

I think everyones seen the internet sensation Garfield Minus Garfield right? The comic where Garfield has been edited out of the strip leaving John Arbuckle looking like a crazy sad existentialist. Who knew just removing Garfield from the strip makes things real profound, real fast. Garfields great, but I thought there was room in this meme world for some wisdom via America's comic strip sweet heart, Cathy.
So heres the first of many moments of Cathy musings. If you have any good quotes that you think would suit Cathy, please email em in!
-David

Juannaman

OK so this lady has set up a site chronicling her attempt to GET A MAN! Someone needs to eff her up with some knowledge:
“A husband” and personal fulfillment are not the same thing.
Get a cat.
via 52weeks2findhim.com
-David

Double Identity

-David

Gimme

Does anyone besides me know the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog? Its pretty much like the Sky Mall airplane catalog, but even crazier and with more expensive things. The person who used to live in my apartment got it, and it still comes, and I always pick out what I want.
So let me share with you the five things I want.

1.) With this life sized giant six thousand dollar robot from the show Lost and Space I can finally express to the world that I have no intentions of ever having a family, and that I am quite happy staying inside all day watching TV and spending all my money on myself.

2.) I am always saying holding a book is too hard. Most times I just don't have the strength. Thats why this book valet is what I need, makes reading a book like looking at the tv. I hope for $179.95 it can also read to me if I need to rest my eyes.

3.) You know what would be the best? If there was a remote controlled toy that was modeled on the under water predator who has recently tragically taken the life of crocidile whisperer Steve Irwin, and you could use it to scare you Nana who has dipped her feet into the pool.

4.) Finally robot science has reached a point where every home in the country can have a decapitated robot Elvis head for just $179.95 (down from 299.99 this is a bargain). Yumma Yumma right? I am not sure if he is programmed to 'makeout'. Also don't bring him in the bathtub.


5.) Decades of sleeping alone may leave some people sinking into an miserable abyss of soul crushing loneliness. But not me, at least not as soon as I get my total body support pillow. Is that tv's The Nanny in the picture below? Can't be sure but she sure looks happy.

-David

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

Living in New York, I've grown used to seeing celebrities. I have seen that one guy from big brother a few times at my neighborhood coffee shop, and I one time saw former MTV guy John Norris at a gay bar. But at my low rent gym, I never thought I would see a celebrity there. I was winding my own bees wax, doing leg presses when a certain older lady plastic surgery face wearing spandex capri pants caught my eye. Let me tell you what she was THIN. I mean mad thin. Not even Dolly Parton skinny, more like Goddess Bunny Skinny. Anyway after working myself up (and after I convinced myself it was Amanda Lepore) I finally went up to her. I mumbled some stuff that probably didn't make sense about loving her new music video (watch the video, it is kinda sweet). She seemed a little confused but nice enough.
Well the moral of this story is basically: Stars- they're really not just like us
-David

Baby Mama Drama

Hey Octomom, sneak a peek at this. Still think having a s* ton of kids is no big whoop? Lady you wont be able to even go from one room to another without those sons of guns on your back like barnacles on a boat.

-David

Humans on the Earth

Belgium is famous for its waffles, but apparently not enough has been said of its wackadoodles. Here is a fine specimen, and a great example of people who think they are animals. People who think they are animals (or PWTTAA) never seem to get into all the boring parts of animal life. Sure they love the costumes and walking weird like an animal, who wouldn't. But why don't they also get into eating gross animal food and sleeping on the floor or outside animal style. Real animal living requires commitment, and unless these PWTTAAs start getting real, they are just poseurs if you ask me (I know nobody asked me).

-David

Don't get me wrong I love the Sunggie and the Slanket, who wouldn't? Its really freeing, wearing a blanket on the outside, with your arms freed from the boundaries set by traditional 'establishment' blankets. But now, finally, someone has taken this great innovation a step further and married the convenience of the wearable blanket with the practicality of carrying a infant around. Not bad at all. I don't expect to have any children of my own, but I do consider all cats my babies and would be so happy if someone invented a fashionable polar fleece top that would allow me to carry my babies around EVERYWHERE as I make my way through the world.
via urlesque
-David