ew sick bugs

There’s nothing worse than when there’s a huge awful bug in a room and you freak out because they are terrifying and you tell everyone else to just please kill it so you don’t have to kill it yourself and you can finally live comfortably in your own house again, and someone says, “Aww, don’t kill ‘em! Let’s just put ‘em outside.” UGGGH. What, that person? I understand that life is important and it is a little unsettling to think of what you’re doing when you squish an ant or a gross centipede as taking a life, and I also understand that in some cases bugs are good like when they make it so people can have honey or whatever, but also THEY ARE GROSS AND SCARY AND I WISH THEY WERE ALL DEAD.

Somebody made some artistic film about the life and death of a dragonfly.

Last Moments Of Life from Paul Kroeker on Vimeo.

Oh, yeah. Look at its beautiful bug life. Look at all of its beautiful bug memories. What a beautiful life its had, being huge and disgusting and scaring everyone it comes in contact with and not caring about how scary it is at all because it has no idea because it is a bug and probably doesn’t even care if its alive or dead at all. I wish we could move all the bugs into their own free-range bug farm where they can just scare each other for the rest of all of their lives and then we wouldn’t have to deal with any of them. I hate bugs.

Lady Cries Over In-N-Out

Okay she's crying because shes happy? I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to an In-N-Out, the very popular west coast fast food burger chain, but I would like to tell you something about it. In-N-Out is not that great. “Yes it is, it’s the best!” – You, everyone, everyone in the world ever. No it’s not! I’m sorry to have to blow the lid off of the whole In-N-Out situation, but guys — those are just normal burgers. They taste and look normal. Also the fries are normal, if not a little worse than normal. It’s (I guess) better than other fast food burger chains, but that’s not a very difficult thing to be and let’s not get crazy. I mean, certainly I’m happy for you if it makes you very happy, like this woman in the video. That’s great. I wish anything non-alcoholic that I could buy for fewer than $5 could make me that happy. She’s going to eat so many burgers now and she won’t even have to go very far to do it and I do hope she cries every time. But I can’t stand idly by. Those burgers are normal burgers. In fact, MOST burgers are normal burgers. They taste like meat + the thing you put on them. I rest my case.

Find a Friend

As you get older, it can be so hard to find a true friend. So many people either already have a group of friends with their own inside jokes and their complicated intertwined relationships that when you make friends with one person suddenly you have to make friends with lots of people and that’s a whole thing. Other times you meet someone who seems cool but maybe it just doesn’t work out for some reason. And sometimes it’s just plain hard to meet anyone! Friendships aren’t that much different than romantic relationships when you think about it. They’re a huge investment of time and energy and it’s always hard to find one that you really care about and at the end of the day they might just end up being crazy or hurtful or not liking you enough. So what I say is why leave it up to chance? Get yourself a friend that you can rely on. Oh, he might not be perfect, but all I have to do is go find a VCR in the basement, hope that it still works, and BOOM, now I have a friend. He’s even wearing a sweater! I love my new friend because I’m super sad and at this point I don’t things could possibly get any worse.

Is This Real Life?

Lots of times when you get a person on camera they’ll act a little differently than they would otherwise. It’s easy to become more aware of yourself and how you’re being perceived, and it’s very easy to get self conscious. So maybe you act and react a little differently. “This is how I always stand,” you’ll scream to yourself, in your head. “I have to go to the bathroom and look at my face, I think it might look weird right now.”

But sometimes you get a person who just doesn’t give an F what anyone thinks about him, and maybe doesn’t even realize he’s on camera because he is a penguin and doesn’t understand what cameras are, so he’s just totally natural and it’s just so refreshing to see. He’s not trying to impress anyone. He understands the world and he rejects it because it is terrifying. He’s just keeping it real.

-David

Diamonds On My Necklace

More news in beautiful gorgeous jewelry. Well, right. Of COURSE Justice Biebet, a 12-year-old actress from Canada famous for her role as Justine Biebo in the 3D movie Never Forever owns a TO DIE FOR jewel-encrusted necklace in the shape of a Family Guy character that is worth $25,000. Whats the big whoop? Is she going to NOT own a jewel-encrusted necklace in the shape of a Family Guy character that is worth $25,000? Be realistic! It’s called “balling out of control” and the ladies love it. (By ladies, of course, I mean other 12-year-old girls, the same age and gender as Justin Bieber.)

Bradley Cooper Talking French

“JUST KEEP TALKING I DON’T CARE WHAT IT MEANS.” -Me

Pinot Awwwwww!

When you think about it we are all just a bunch of chinchillas in the world (a glass) except not cute.

David

Play Times

Hahahhaha. LOOK AT THAT PUPPY HE WANTS TO PLAY! HE IS JUST TRYING TO ENJOY HIS LIFE IN THE FACE OF AN ABSURD AND IMMOVABLE WILL THAT REFUTES HIM. Aren’t we all.

David

Do What You Do

Hey, it’s a tough world out there, you guys. JUST ASK OSAMA BIN LADEN, AM I RIGHT? Sorry. But it is a tough world out there. When it comes right down to it, most people are just doing their best to get through the day, and we should all be so lucky as to find one thing that makes us happy in this world. No one else is gonna do it for us! So, if dressing up in footy pajamas and installing a reinforced bottom to a child’s playpen so that it can support 350 pounds of man weight is what’s going to get you from sunup to sundown without blowing your brains out, more Pedialite to you. Here’s one thing, though: if that IS the thing that makes you happy, when the National Geographic camera crew comes around asking if you’ll allow them to film you taking a nappy-nappy in your big boy’s crib, please at least know that “no” is one of the things you can tell them. Keep that one in your back diaper pocket!

I do like that National Geographic doesn’t go into too much detail about how Stanley is able to afford spending HALF HIS LIFE as an adult baby, or where he met Sandra, or any of a million other questions this segment raises, but they do make sure to explain that he doesn’t wear a diaper when he goes out to run errands so as to avoid public humiliation. Uh, pretty sure that was the one thing that did NOT need any further explanation. Feel like we all would have totally been on the same page with why he doesn’t run his errands in a diaper.

Good luck, Stanley!

Some News

Hey I know most of you guys reading this come here for news and stuff, so I meant to tell you guys that Osama Bin Laden is dead. He got caught and killed, so just so you guys know.

David

The Greatest Speech Ever Given

OK, team, circle up. Take a knee. We’re going to go out there today and we’re going to show these guys what we’re made of. THIS IS OUR HOUSE! But before we smash their faces into the dirt, I’d like to give the floor over to Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard, who is going to say a few words:

Goats standing on a truck, check.
Superman theme music, check.
Monkeys riding dogs, check.
Answers to questions no one was asking, check.

-David

Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.

Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.

You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Sleep My Child

This is also the only way I can fall asleep, by having that guy jam his filthy thumb in my mouth.

-David

Excuse Me Bitches

Excuse me bitches in the back. Wipe those stink faces off your faces.

What can you do. Haters gon' hate.

-David

I’m surprised he can eat after getting stung by what looks like 10,000 bees.