Alternative Lifestyles

In this new feature of the blog, ill be grabbing a photo of a celebrity, and imaging if their life had taken a different path.


She's 41 year old lesbian who teaches P.E. at an area public school, coaches the girls basketball team and is an active dater on eharmony.com

Ultimate Street Fight, Cats and Crows

The Battle may be over. But The War, has just begun

David

The End of an Era, is Keenan Done?

Between this and his lip-dub, with 50 Cents, I’m getting pretty worried about Keenan, you guys. He used to be one of the hardest syncers in the game, but now he is just straight up mocking his former self with this blah-blah-blah laziness. And, uh, I mean, uh, what is going on with the whole, you know DIAMONDS ON HIS FACE AND ALSO WHATS GOING ON WITH THEM CLOTHES?

What is going on here?
Obviously our prayers are with Keenan and his family in this difficult time. Everyone is pulling for you, buddy!

The Universe is filled with limitless possibilities. The future is unknowable. Who will we be, where will we be? But sometimes the planets align in The Universe, and for just one brief moment (or 1:36) we might catch a glimpse of our future selves.

In the video above I've caught a glimpse of who i'll be, and where i'll be. And I dont like it.

2012 cant come soon enough

Dances with Old Ladies

A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into white middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain? What if that’s what you’re into, as it turns out that I am very into?”

Put a ring on it. And some fucking clothes

-David

Hello Soul Mate

Over time, I have definitely found that what I am attracted to has changed. The more that I come to know myself, the more that I can finally pinpoint what exactly it is that I’m looking for in a partner, you know? So, like, I used to think that I wanted someone who shared my taste in books, or who knew how to cook, or who had a welcoming family that I could get to know and become a part of. Now, most of that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me.

My other half can read whatever she wants, it doesn’t have any affect on what I’m reading. If she can’t cook, I dont give one single shit. There are plenty of people who can, they are called professional chefs and they’re all over the place.

And I’ve got a family, turns out I don’t need a second one.

At this point in my life, what I’ve finally come to understand is that the person I’ve been looking for all my life is someone who will spend upwards of five days in a tent outside of a strip-mall Best Buy in Florida waiting for a discount on a fucking TV.

Soul mates.

liar liar

Not trying to get up in anyone’s business, but if you are dealing with a situation where you want to disguise your caller ID, disguise your voice, and know whether or not the other person is lying or not, you might be dealing with a situation for which your cellphone is no longer that useful. What kind of person would want this?

“You know what, I’m just going to buy this weird card, disguise my caller ID, make myself sound like the dude in Screamy Movie 4, activate the patented lie detector software, and record my call. That ought to solve everything, in this perfectly routine situation that we all find ourselves in.

The Audience Reaction to Oprah's "Favorite Things" is my favorite thing

At this point, it’s kind of a worn-out to say that you wish that you cared half as much about something in your life as someone in a YouTube video who cares way too much. For one thing, it’s a lie. It aims to paint whoever says it as a miserable husk of a human being while the truth of the matter is that miserable husks of human beings don’t TALK ABOUT IT VERY MUCH.

They mostly sit silently on a cat-hair-covered easy chair that smells like mold and drink alcohol from a novelty glass from Bubba Gump's restaurant in Times Square.

But it is true that there is something ineffable and jealous-making about people expressing PURE unbridled joy. We are all so clever and cool headed, we know that showing emotion is for NERDS. Cool kids are like “I would smile but then the cigarette that is dangling in the corner of my mouth would fall into the coffee that I take black.” But it’s not so much that I’m jealous of the people in this video (an amazing five-minute montage of all the audience reactions at Oprah’s two part 2010 “Favorite Things” episode) for having the ability to access an enthusiasm that I haven’t experienced in years or maybe ever.

I’m jealous of the people in this video FOR GETTING TO GO TO OPRAH’S “FAVORITE THINGS” EPISODE. Are you kidding? That shit is bananas. MY HEAD WOULD FUCKING FALL OFF IF ONLY.

David

Good Morning

First thing Monday morning is a perfectly reasonable time to be reminded that we have to get out there and fight for what we want, you guys. Which, apparently, is to be the best at our jobs as salesmen of something. I did not know this, but did you know that we are all in a sales business? I never knew! Always Be Knowing That, you guys. Coffee is for people who knew that. Are you amped? Let’s just get a quick show of hands to see who is and who is not AMPED.

David

Still works

Oh just checkin. Yup. The Internet is working good today. Yup.

-David

BREAKING NEWS: CAT HICCUPS THEN FARTS!

We will continue to bring you updates on this story as they occur.


-David

I Do What I Do!

So, so gross. Feet repulse me. I don’t even like my own.

-David

I Do What I Do!

I'm glad that worked out for you. Sorry you have shoulders like a man.
-David

its called light working

Okay 2012 is coming sooner then we thought, as told by your mom.

-David

Horse Goes

That’s not where horses go, but there a horse is. Go figure.
OK, so we’re DEFINITELY all just biding our time until the tidal wave comes, not giving a fuck? Every last one of us? Nothing matters. Got it.

Via DailyWhat.

David

Rapz

Of course all rap music just sounds like just plain noise to me, and I prefer the smooth stylings of Benny Goodman, but even I notice that this music gets worse when foreign people try to do it.

David

Fifty Face

weve seen these faces before. But now a famous face is added. There are a couple of problems with this. For one, Keenan seems to really be phoning it in in the Lip Dept. What’s going on there, Keenan? That shit lines up with the actual words, like, four times throughout. The rest is just “rhubarb rhubarb peas and carrots.” I know how sloppy lipsynching is done. I watch Drag Race! Don’t be an extra in your own movie, Keenan. The second problem is that I think this was made for Chelsea Lately, and while there’s nothing inherently wrong about a television show getting in (late) on a meme, I don’t trust (or particularly like) Chelsea Handler. Her intentions seem questionable to say the least. I don’t know Chelsea Handler personally, but none of the choices she make ever seem particularly fun? They all seem based on some kind of misguided black hole that’s growing deep at the core of her self-loathing.
All of that being said, I REALLY wish Keenan had his own show called Good Morning, Keenan! where he made lip dubs with other pop singers and then showed you how to make a low-cal Thanksgiving costume for your pet before their wedding. We could watch it together every morning, LIKE A FAMILY.

-David

To Die For Shoes!

Did you see the photos today of that 30-story high rise in Shanghai that is burning to the ground? Oh my goodness. 42 people have died and more than 90 are injured, and that is, as these things go, only SO FAR. It’s also one of those weird situations where the photos are really stunning and almost beautiful? Don’t get me wrong: actual nightmare IN PROGRESS, but you know what I mean. Did you ever see Terminator 3? At the end of Terminator 3 there is that one scene where Skynet launches, like, ALL the missiles in the world, and you see them soar out over the planet, and it’s really neat looking. There is just something horrifyingly beautiful about the end of things. But make no mistake: things are ending. Constantly. Forever.

So, we might as well find something that makes us happy before they do. For example: tons of fucking sequins

David