I Want More Things

There is no inherent purpose in life. Each of us give life our own purpose. In the end, we will all die, and inexorably all of our accomplishments (reading the entire internet) will be turned to dust and we will be forgotten.
What is the point of trying to feed the hungry or house the homeless? Instead, seize upon what is important. Seek whatever material pleasures you can from life, collect whatever worldly goods you possibly can, and then just sit on them; you don't have to do anything with them because there really is no point to any of it. My recommendation is that you should be buying all the things you can.
What better place to buy things then the Sky Mall catalog? Lets look at 5 things you should buy before you die.

1.) Wine Glass Necklace. Coming to terms with your mortality in a godless world can really work your nerve. And if you happen to be an older individual, you'll find this realization extra upsetting, your time is limited. What you need, everyone needs, is a drink. Problem is, wine glasses can be hard to hold when your hands are trembling and you are crying (trust me I know), that's why it's great to have a wine glass holder necklace.

2.) Waistband Stretcher. While you wait for your Pajama Jeans to come, you'll need to have on hand a pair of pants that fit, just in case one of your cats gets a bad eye infection and you have to rush to the vet.

3.) Sexy Lingerie Shirt. I am just in love with this shirt, seriously what a hoot. Even if my cats can't read, and the last person who stepped foot inside my apartment was a hoarding counselor 12 years ago, this shirt makes ME feel good and that's whats important.

4.) Siamese Slanket. Why was the Snuggie such a hit? Doesn't anyone realize Slanket was there first? This is the same thing that happened with Britney and Christina, Backstreet and N*Sync and the movie Ants and A Bug's Life. Whats been wack is that the Slanket and Snuggie never came in plus sizes, responding to my letters of complaint the companies stated that their products were ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that's a load of bologna. If you're a full figured individual, treat yourself to one of these, don't struggle and diet to fit into mainstream society's idea of "standard" Snuggie or Slanket size.

5.) Lighted Slippers. Shuffling around a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night trying to prepare yourself a midnight snack as dozens of cats bob and weave between your ankles like football players running drills can really be a hazard. Just be careful with these though, I've noticed they do help me see where I'm going but some of the friskier cats are attracted to the light and this can be a problem.

Snuggie is Cancelled

Wait a second, wasn't it just August, like, yesterday? Sorry, I know that is a total Conversation Topic for Dads. Every month, when Dads get their Official Dad Newsletter, the first article is always an update on how no one can believe where the time goes any more than they could believe it last month. Next thing you know, I'm going to explain to you how when you are your age you think you have all the time in the world but you do not have all the time in the world, and that you will understand what I am talking about better when you are my age (55). Because where did all that time go?! Do you ever wish you had a universal remote FOR YOUR LIFE? But time flies and look around, its not summer time, its winter time. And what are you gonna do with your freezing neck?!?

Obviously this product is great on its own, what with its convenient foldability-pouch and its very stylish look (leopard? Where am I, PARIS, FRANCE?) that goes with any outfit (as long as that outfit is terribly-fitting and costs less than 20 dollars). But what I think is most important about this ad is how good of a job it does at showing us just how wack scarves are. Ew, don't you guys HATE scarves? They're always being slammed in van doors, or you're just fumbling with them forever. "I wish this scarf wasn't such a effing nightmare!" Who hasn't caught themselves saying that every time they step outside in the winter? I mean you're going to tell me that technology can create photo realistic, life-like dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies but we still can't have a scarf that doesn't do everything wrong? "There's a scarf in this peanut butter, OF COURSE." Necky even sounds better than scarf. Scarf, come on. What am I? A terrorist?

Don't get me wrong I love the Sunggie and the Slanket, who wouldn't? Its really freeing, wearing a blanket on the outside, with your arms freed from the boundaries set by traditional 'establishment' blankets. But now, finally, someone has taken this great innovation a step further and married the convenience of the wearable blanket with the practicality of carrying a infant around. Not bad at all. I don't expect to have any children of my own, but I do consider all cats my babies and would be so happy if someone invented a fashionable polar fleece top that would allow me to carry my babies around EVERYWHERE as I make my way through the world.
via urlesque
-David