Friday, April 22, 2011

The Greatest Speech Ever Given

OK, team, circle up. Take a knee. We’re going to go out there today and we’re going to show these guys what we’re made of. THIS IS OUR HOUSE! But before we smash their faces into the dirt, I’d like to give the floor over to Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard, who is going to say a few words:
Goats standing on a truck, check.
Superman theme music, check.
Monkeys riding dogs, check.
Answers to questions no one was asking, check.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.
Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.
You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sleep My Child

This is also the only way I can fall asleep, by having that guy jam his filthy thumb in my mouth.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Excuse Me Bitches

Excuse me bitches in the back. Wipe those stink faces off your faces.
What can you do. Haters gon' hate.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

I’m surprised he can eat after getting stung by what looks like 10,000 bees.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Terrible Teens

Cool. Great tips. Hey, here’s a completely unrelated question: do you guys ever think about just, you know, like, giving up completely? As if perhaps all of the hard work of trying to conceptualize of a world in which life is actually worth living and there is beauty and decency to be found in this existence of pain and misery is all for nothing and maybe we should just lie down in the road and let the abyss wash over us? These tips sound great! I was just thinking about that other stuff for no reason really hahahhah never mind. Can’t wait to try these tips!