Do What You Do

Hey, it’s a tough world out there, you guys. JUST ASK OSAMA BIN LADEN, AM I RIGHT? Sorry. But it is a tough world out there. When it comes right down to it, most people are just doing their best to get through the day, and we should all be so lucky as to find one thing that makes us happy in this world. No one else is gonna do it for us! So, if dressing up in footy pajamas and installing a reinforced bottom to a child’s playpen so that it can support 350 pounds of man weight is what’s going to get you from sunup to sundown without blowing your brains out, more Pedialite to you. Here’s one thing, though: if that IS the thing that makes you happy, when the National Geographic camera crew comes around asking if you’ll allow them to film you taking a nappy-nappy in your big boy’s crib, please at least know that “no” is one of the things you can tell them. Keep that one in your back diaper pocket!

I do like that National Geographic doesn’t go into too much detail about how Stanley is able to afford spending HALF HIS LIFE as an adult baby, or where he met Sandra, or any of a million other questions this segment raises, but they do make sure to explain that he doesn’t wear a diaper when he goes out to run errands so as to avoid public humiliation. Uh, pretty sure that was the one thing that did NOT need any further explanation. Feel like we all would have totally been on the same page with why he doesn’t run his errands in a diaper.

Good luck, Stanley!

Excuse Me Bitches

Excuse me bitches in the back. Wipe those stink faces off your faces.

What can you do. Haters gon' hate.

-David

Hello DUH!

Hello Duh SARAH! Camouflage only works if you are in the woods or some shit. Everyone can see you.

Sarah was mad pissed I looked at her web history so she resolved to browse the web in secret. Until I caught her!

-David

The Universe is filled with limitless possibilities. The future is unknowable. Who will we be, where will we be? But sometimes the planets align in The Universe, and for just one brief moment (or 1:36) we might catch a glimpse of our future selves.

In the video above I've caught a glimpse of who i'll be, and where i'll be. And I dont like it.

2012 cant come soon enough

I Do What I Do!

So, so gross. Feet repulse me. I don’t even like my own.

-David

Charades!

Opportunities to step away from his wasted life had become essential and while Daniel admired the competitive nature of his teammates, he began to despise them more and more with every guess. Why the sense of urgency? Why not let the game progress at a leisurely pace? He was enraged.

“Ketchup bottle!” one of them finally screamed and just like that, he was boring old Daniel again.

The daily grind would be upon him soon enough and though he hated himself for it, Daniel knew that he would think fondly of his time as a ketchup bottle in the coming weeks. It would occur most likely in the shower during bouts of stretching his penis out in a futile effort to match the proportions of his widening belly.

Gaborey Sidibe's Mom Auditions for America's Got Talent

I suppose “Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing me” is still way better than “Stop it, mom, you’re raping me.”

-David

Style Has No Size

I think it was Marilyn Monroe or some sh!t who said, "if you're gonna show some mad legs, then keep your arms covered, and if youre showing arms and shoulders, cover them legs". Well the same logic applies to big gurls who may try to cover up everything. Dont do it big gurls, dont cover yourselves all up ALL of them curves. Let the menz see some shoulder, or let them see some legs, but dont't go crazy with that, dont give em both at once. This applies to skinny b*tches too, but seriously f#ck skinny bitches anyway.
-David

LOLs Please

I can guess what this sounds like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vFVnTMwt3w
OW OW UGGGHH I CANT BREATHE OW OW EAHHHH

David

Ack!

Well now I am pissed and sad.
Cathy Guisewite has announced the end of Cathy.
Ack! Now what am I supposed to read every day? Ack! She was the only one who understood my love of shopping, and how hard it is to find a good man, and how difficult mettlesome mothers can be! ACK!
-David

Cat Have No Legs

You know it really goes to show you what’s important in life.
Legs.

-David

Mom Curves Ahead

Finally you too, can have a Mom shaped body.

-David

This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

I think we can all remember where we were when we first discovered the comedic stylings of Daniel Songer. (Because we were all here.) Now, four long, memorable months later, Daniel Songer is hanging up his trademark khaki shorts, and turning the porch bug zapper off for the last time. Yes, this week on Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg, comedian, entertainer, dancer, and poet Daniel Songer announces that he is retiring from comedy. Oh no! Well, it was an epic career. And there is no shame in wanting to go out on top, as a living legend. Which is exactly what Daniel Songer does in this video, which includes both a heartfelt thank you to his fans, and some of the classic Daniel Songer comedy bits that remind us all why he has those fans in the first place.

-David

Hot Cats

Its just like that one Nelly song, it's gettin hot in hur, ima take my clothes off. Hot Cats I hope you guys are not too hot.

-David

Music To Everybodys Ears

The internet radio station Pandora.com probably knows me better then anyone else. How else could you explain the infinite wisdom Pandora showed when it introduced me to the musical revelation of Israel Kamakawiwo'ole! His voice is like a cool Hawiian breeze in my ears!! Attention Dolly Parton, Liza, RuPaul and Martha Wash, you all are bout to have some new company on my wall of musical muses.
Your welcome!
-David

Juggalos walk (or more like sleep and watch TV) among us.
-David

Spider Man Returnz

After surviving for two weeks on only mustard and Wetzel's Pretzels from the mall, YOU KNOW WHO, is finally squeezed back in her spider suit and is feeling more sensual then ever. Good for you girl, we should all be so lucky to find something in this world that makes us happy

-David

For Your Own Good

I know you guys are busy. Kids today, they are always sexting or cyber bullying someone on their facepages- I know whats up. I know how you guys do. It's like nobody has time for anything these days. Why won't anybody sit down together for a nice meal and watch YouTube with me? Instead everyone is squeezing Dannon Go-gurts into their open mouths and off somewhere on their Segways. It would be nice if you would STOP for just 3 minutes and watch this video.

NO FAST FORWARDING. I know British people and their wack accents are insufferable but you need this. OK you guys? Stay with it. That is some M. Night Shamalan sh*t right there

-David

The Worst Eyed Peas

Not to be a hater, but I freakin' hate the Black Eyed Peas. Usually when I post a long video like this, I would ask you guys to watch the whole thing. Not here. Don't bother. This mother is like ten minutes long, and its terrible, every minute of it. Basically the Black Eyed Peas are in the future, Fergie is doing a wack Beyonce single ladies impression, and there are some Terminator 3 Salvation: Rise of the Machines walking around. Thats pretty much it.
The only thing worse then this actual video is the realization that for the rest of the year I will be hearing all the garbage people in my neighborhood mumbling the chorus "I'ma be, I'ma be". I know there is something to be said for the power of positive thinking but, if you're a Black Eyed Peas fan, you're pretty much not gonna be doing nothing. Just sayin'.

P.S. Fergie is right when she said at the beginning of the video that you guys are not robots, because robots are just sophisticated machines, they are not stupid assholes who think every day is Halloween and The Matrix just came out.
-David