Diamonds On My Necklace

More news in beautiful gorgeous jewelry. Well, right. Of COURSE Justice Biebet, a 12-year-old actress from Canada famous for her role as Justine Biebo in the 3D movie Never Forever owns a TO DIE FOR jewel-encrusted necklace in the shape of a Family Guy character that is worth $25,000. Whats the big whoop? Is she going to NOT own a jewel-encrusted necklace in the shape of a Family Guy character that is worth $25,000? Be realistic! It’s called “balling out of control” and the ladies love it. (By ladies, of course, I mean other 12-year-old girls, the same age and gender as Justin Bieber.)

Terrible Teens

Cool. Great tips. Hey, here’s a completely unrelated question: do you guys ever think about just, you know, like, giving up completely? As if perhaps all of the hard work of trying to conceptualize of a world in which life is actually worth living and there is beauty and decency to be found in this existence of pain and misery is all for nothing and maybe we should just lie down in the road and let the abyss wash over us? These tips sound great! I was just thinking about that other stuff for no reason really hahahhah never mind. Can’t wait to try these tips!

-David

The Worst Got Worse

For once, I kind of appreciate YouTube commenters’ ability to just get right to it:

The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.

Happy Holidays to your family, or some shit

Uh can we all just agree that families are weird? It’s 2011. Can we just finally for once and for all recognize that there are both good and bad things about families, and that it is definitely weird that you have this lifelong bond to people some of whom you might not even like that much, and that there is all this intense stuff about families and your sense of obligations towards families and your sometimes inability to escape the long dark shadow cast by your family, and all of that, but also that some things are pretty great about families and but also that in the end the one thing that is for sure is that we all have families and we all have to figure out how to manage that while also leading our own lives as best we can? It seems like every single year we are rediscovering how weird it is to be in a family, as if we didn’t have families last year, or weren’t paying attention. And here’s another thing about families: everyone’s got to do the work, OK?! Stop complaining.

“I can’t stand my family.” Shut up. Deal with it. No matter what, they definitely MADE YOU, so give them credit for that and then work out the rest. It’s exhausting! We all have headaches already without having to listen to your headache. And you know what, when you start to actually talk about it, your mom sounds fun and nice and like she really loves you, SO CAN IT.

To reiterate: we all have families, all families are weird, but most of them are also kind of great so let’s just do the work of being alive in a world of inter-dependent human beings and try our best all things considered to enjoy what we have as often as possible but this week especially. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

The Worst Day

The only thing this tattoo needs is 'BLACK EYED PEAS 10' and its oficially the worst thing ever.

Good Morning

First thing Monday morning is a perfectly reasonable time to be reminded that we have to get out there and fight for what we want, you guys. Which, apparently, is to be the best at our jobs as salesmen of something. I did not know this, but did you know that we are all in a sales business? I never knew! Always Be Knowing That, you guys. Coffee is for people who knew that. Are you amped? Let’s just get a quick show of hands to see who is and who is not AMPED.

David

Rapz

Of course all rap music just sounds like just plain noise to me, and I prefer the smooth stylings of Benny Goodman, but even I notice that this music gets worse when foreign people try to do it.

David

Oh God Robots

Whatever, robot. When your boyfriend is finished folding his socks, why don’t the two of you head down to the junkyard and throw yourselves in, because you’re TRASH. And guess what? I’ll say that to your stupid face, too. What are you going to do about it? You can’t roll over a field of human skulls because you don’t even have any tank treads or human skulls!

America Does Not Got Talent

While I agree philosophically with the idea that all taste is subjective, I kind of feel like we need to get a verification on it. Because, sometimes I get the feeling that taste is not subjective at all. At the very least, perhaps we can all agree that there are moments in which something is either good or bad, and that the people who think otherwise are SCIENTIFICALLY wrong. The most obvious example, of course, would be mad creepy YouTubes with aging related disease faces.

Another instance would be Prince Poppycock, a current contestant on America’s Got Talent, who is not only a finalist (A FINALIST!?!) but seems to be beloved by the judges and the audience alike. “Dude” is just killing it! On last night’s episode, he performed a Marie Antoinette powder-faced musical theater version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” because it’s 2010 and 2012 cannot come soon enough
-David

People Are The Worst

The eff is this? Is this the kinda week we are facing? This is genuinely terrible.
Some piece of shit was caught by a surveillance camera throwing a cat in the garbage. BOOO! Where is the barrister so he can lock her up in lorry and throw away the pint?Animal Rescue Team ASSEMBLE!

-David

Do I Need This?

It was one thing when people afflicted by horrifying aging related diseases made cameo apperances in charming rap videos. Thats fine. I am okay with that. But when these persons decide to make videos of their own, videos that are nothing more then an upclose zoom on their hideous visage staring right into my soul- I cannot handle that. This ruined my tuesday morning.

-David

Zits? YUCK!

Holler, dogs. You know, high school is pretty tough what with all the homework and tests and adults who don’t know anything and are such failures in their own lives that they’re just stupid teachers and principals and don’t even have their own TV show like how you’re going to have when you’re an adult. And it doesn’t get any easier when the hormones start kicking in and you get a total case of PIZZA FACE. Bagel Bitez!

The bullies don’t need any more ammo, word up.
But you don’t have to look like Pizza the Hut (Space Balls, dogs!) with ProActiv. It’s super awesome and totally rad, and nothing to be ashamed of because the human body is natural or some shit. And plus that, famous people use it. And if famous people use something, you know that thing is a great thing that you should use, too. “Oh sure, like what famous people, old man who is basically dead and so old? You probably don’t even know who any famous people are, you probably think a famous person is, like, Topher Grace.” Well, I’ll tell you who, brohams, JUSTIN BIEBER THAT IS WHO! Who’s the man now, dawg?!

See its not just for hard-core cases. People who don’t even have zits should probably spend money on this stuff. And the best part is, it’s perfect for kids like Justin Bieber. So, kids who are internationally-renowned multi-millionaire child stars and BFFs forever with Usher. You know, normal kids!

Let Em Know

Ok this is pretty good. However, the single greatest thing I’ve ever seen was the sign-language interpreter at a Michigan gay pride celebration a bunch of years ago, signing and miming along to a song whose entire, repetitive lyrics went: “P*ssy chugger, I’m chugging on your p*ssy.” She was a huge, sassy lady and put a lot of backbone into it. Alas, she set the bar pretty high.

-David

Not So Fast Advertising

LOL. Sorry, K-Swiss. You were right in thinking that I really like Danny McBride and Kenny Powers and Eastbound and Down and you were right that by using these things to promote your product I would be more inclined to pay attention to what you were trying to sell, but guess what?
I’m still not going to buy your garbage shoes that look like a joke from some early ’90s movie about “the future” . Tubes? Fuck out of here.

David

How many syllable clapping arguments do you get in to the point where you need to talk about it?
How many penises does it take before you realize that maybe chatroulette isn’t the best place to go if that is something you hate?
Also, you are on chatroulette to connect to someone? ;-(
How close are you following the person in front of you while driving that you have to slam on the brakes all the time?
Why do you hate other people’s pants?

I can understand the drinking from the carton thing, though. That complaint has been around since Aeschylus i think, when the Greeks were drinking straight from the cow’s teats.

-David

Da Poo Poo REMIX

Well what was The Internet supposed to do? Not make a remix out of everything?

-David

Da Poo Poo

For a pastor, he is surprisingly timid when licking that pantomimed asshole.

-David

Halloween Hot Tip

I'm not saying that I am a Halloween expert or nothing. But.... i sort of am.
Anyway it's never to early to start getting your costume ready for the most important holiday of the year. Or at the very least set a few dollars aside from your job at the tanning salon for the purchase of your whuuore costume. It's called planning for the future.....Because October will be here before you ho it. You'll for sure want the best sparkle bra in a bag money can buy.

As far as the rest of us beasts with personalities go. Don't you fret ladies. I've got a hot tip on a trend for Halloween 2010.
Because of the finale and all. Lost themed costumes are going to be uber hot this year....especially for the plus size gal.
There you have it large and lovelies. Get your khaki on.

You could even dress up as Oceanic flight 815. Did someone say sexy airplane wreckage?


*Sarah

Teachers Just Don't Understand

Teachers, the thoughtful and educated gatekeepers to our childrens’ intellectual future are making silly lip-synch videos to pop songs that haven’t been popular in 20 years and posting them on YouTube in some kind of misguided attempt to prove they are “getting jiggy with you.”
Oh, teachers. Still just a bunch of corny, charming, ridiculous, lovable dorkballs who don’t know anything.

-David