Its Time For HUNKZ

No offence but these hunky faggots don’t know shit about interpretive dance. Just Sayin.

-David

Teen Time

Phew. Oh man, I cannot tell you how relieved I was to finally see that Vodafone sign and confirm this was in the UK, not the US. Sure America has our share of wackadoos, but foriegn people is worse.
Anyone know what they call Chris Hansen in Britain?

-David

Da Poo Poo REMIX

Well what was The Internet supposed to do? Not make a remix out of everything?

-David

Da Poo Poo

For a pastor, he is surprisingly timid when licking that pantomimed asshole.

-David

Careful Humping

Hey listen kids, I'm not like other moms, i'm a cool mom okay? If you guys are gonna drink, I want you to do it here, in the house. And if you're gonna hump dogs, use protection okay.

-David

Hold Me

Sometimes, on Valentine's Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend might be a terrible joke, like, "I wish every day could be Valentime's Day!" What people don't realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine's Day. You know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. She is thinking: "regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor representing a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, my safe space, I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth."

-David

There Are No Words

You need to understand that our comedian here is what you call a physical comedian. He expresses himself with his physicality in the tradition of Chris Farley and Jim Carey. His body is his instrument, as integral to his act as the hilarious and relateable stories he tells. It is only natural that he, as any artist, would work to push his art further, and test his (and our boundaries. Sometimes that can mean nudity, so get ready for it.
Very interesting stuff is going on here, and I don't understand it. When I said I would watch all the parts of his comedy act (so far 63) I didn't realize it would be so emotionally exhausting.
-David

Valentimes Day?

I'm still not entirely convinced that your boyfriend is even real. In some ways (in lots of ways) he seems like a terrible character played by Will Ferrel on SNL. A belly full of goat meat? Lovemaking (gross) under the redwood trees? Gimme a break! But there's also something that's almost TOO REAL about him. That's probably why you love him so much. You guys will be out one night and it'll be three in the morning and he'll just be like, "oh my God, you are such a beautiful creature I need to braid your hair ASAP" (and of course he pronounces it a-sap) or "I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything you said for the past five minutes, because I was thinking about how I want to wash your feet with my beard," and you're just like "are you for real right now? You are the worst! I want to kiss you on the mouth!" That is what you are like.
-David

Sex Offended

I remember as a kid, an adult telling me that every child had a twin who was somewhere else in the world. Another version of you, he or she might be in China or Africa, but would be your age and pretty much exactly like you. This proved adults are full of lies.
You may never find your twin, but one cool and fun way to find a person related to you at least by name, is to search your name in the Criminalcheck.com online directory. Here is what you do:
1) go to http://www.criminalcheck.com/index.html
2) in the last name (required) field, type in your FIRST name, leave other fields blank
3) click search
4) look at all those registered sex offenders
-David

"Hi Guys"- that one Comedian

Where has the time gone? Look at this I turn around not even 2 weeks later and he is already doing part 52 of his comedy series? I have no problem with that. I will watch all the parts. As he humps the air and goes on about the experience of buying lube, I stop hearing what he is saying and slip into a trance, like Raven from TV's That's So Raven.
Also, I should say LOL.
His nipples are rock hard the whole entire time.
-David

When Dreams Come True

Pretty much nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore, it's not that it's a bad show. It's just that it's on too late. If it was on more like 8pm on Saturday, and just was a half hour long, then I would be watching it. But anyway we live in the future, we don't have to WATCH TV to watch TV. We can look at it on the Internet! That's how I mostly do, and boy did it pay off for me today.
Proof that THE SECRET works: Jon Hamm dancing in jean shorts, right out of my dreams and into real life! As a modern wordsmith once said:
"I like that, I like that, twerk that back, twerk that back"
-David

Sex Can Wait

I want to speak directly to the young women out there who aren't afraid to find their own voices and make a difference in this world, where you at my peeps? Yo, you dogs, let me lay down some wisdom for you. Being a virgin is no big whoop. FACT: we are ALL born virgins and plenty of people remain virgins their whole entire lives, so what, who cares, nobody! Being a virgin can even be an asset. Yes its true, put your razr scooter down, take off your walkman headphones and let me tell you about Sarah Jane Newberry. Pictured above right she is a kewl lady from England who has never had sex ever, never in her whole life, even counting anal. Its not like she hasn't had the option, she had boyfriends (check the ex-boyfriend section of the site). But she's chosen not to let anybody put it in her and for her it's worked out well. Look she has a website of her own and everything!
-David

Please Trust Me, You Guys

This is a long video you guys, but you'll need to watch all of it. Theres something to be learned here. Life isn't getting any easier, things are only getting worse, then, in 2012, it's gonna all be over. If the recent events in Haiti have taught us anything, it is that we should all be a lot more grateful for what we have. The line between comfort and civilization and anarchy and death is razor thin, and it would not take much for life as we know it to be altered terribly and irreparably. We live forever on the brink of an awful nightmare, there is no other way to live. But while we're here, while we are comfortable on our decks and we are wearing our shorts, let's take advantage of it! Like this guy is doing! We should all be so lucky as to carve out a little tiny patch of happiness from the miserable rubble of the world we live in. Even if the only way to carve that patch is by standing out on our deck in khaki shorts and giving a manic, incomprehensible, six minute rant and calling it comedy. On a side note, Lynn what will it take to get this guy a set at The Comedy Store? Seriously let's make that happen.

Toon Time

Anyone who knows me knows I love cats, being alone, and reading the web. Reading the web for some people would be work, but you know for me, its a labour of love. Follow your passion you know? And that passion, whoops, leads me to TasteofPoisonParadise, a NSFW site where Disney characters are undressed. The weird part (lots of wierd parts to this site) is that it turns out all the toons wear briefs, boxer briefs or jockstraps.
-David

Jenny Jones

Look what I've been missing on the web: the Jenny Jones Blog. For those that don't know, Jenny Jones hosted a talk show in the 90s. Her real claim to fame was a 'Secret Crushes' episode where a guy found out another guy had a crush on him. This guy was suprised, he was straight and so pissed about the whole thing that he killed that other guy who had a crush on him. That pretty much put an end to the Jenny Jones show. But Jenny is still alive, and shes spilling all her personal beans on her blog, bless her soul. I hope she finds a way to make peace with her mother.

via Jennyjones.com

-David

No Shame In [His] Game

Holy Smokes. That show Lockup is the worst, why do I watch it? Why do I do hurt myself that way? It always freaks me the eff out. They should put this guy in charge of the “Scared Straight” program cause he is in your prisons, rapin’ all your men!
-David

I'm Gonna Hump That?

This is a clip from a documentary I saw, I think it was on the Discovery Channel. People who sexually love objects! Tupperware, fans, globes, washing machines, spaceships, EVEN THE TWIN TOWERS! Again barriers are being broken, I was under the impression only men were creppy perverts.
Yay feminism!
-David

Smooth Operator

Earlier in the park I over heard a guy use the old “Come here often?” line on a girl next to me.
Except he was vaguely European or something so he actually said: “Do you often to come here?”
And then I snorted my protein shake out my nose for the second time this week.
-David

Privates

First off, let me just say that I love cereal. Just about any type/flavor/shape/color, I’ll eat it. I’m not cereal racist. Look, I am eating three bowls right now (not really).
So after hours of googling old fashioned cereal mascots, I somehow came across corn flakes. And now I am left with a feeling of disgust and horror and frankly I am appalled.
John Kellogg (he and his brother created Corn Flakes) was an advocate for sexual abstinence. He believed in, and practiced sadistic methods to keep young boys and girls from diving into their pants. He was anti-masturbation. He preached his ideas through a few books and medical journals on how to stop kids from touching their privates.
“A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid [phenol] to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.”
I don't know about the acid, but I am willing to be male circumcision doesn't put an end to masturbation.

It should also be noted that Kellogg cleaned his colon regularly with yogurt. YOGURT. I… I don’t even want to think about it anymore. Flashes of yogurt farts? Oh god.
-David

Whatcha Gonna Do Wif All Those Humps?

Anyone who has grown up with a dog has inevitably found himself on the wrong end of a dog humping (is there a right end of dog humping, probably not). As a kid I remember our neighbor's dog, Karat a female Golden Retriever with a lazy eye, was always humping the heck out of everything. She had a special stuffed animal frog that she must have made love to no less than one million times. She also caught me a few times, she was suprisingly strong but the key is to fight back and get off the goddamn ground. Whats this lady above doing? Just chillin there as the dog goes crazy all over her backside. I think this Golden Retriever in the video above helps prove once and for all that Goldens are some of the worst mega humpers ever. Even Comet from Full House was known to do this.
-David