Thursday, August 11, 2011

ew sick bugs

There’s nothing worse than when there’s a huge awful bug in a room and you freak out because they are terrifying and you tell everyone else to just please kill it so you don’t have to kill it yourself and you can finally live comfortably in your own house again, and someone says, “Aww, don’t kill ‘em! Let’s just put ‘em outside.” UGGGH. What, that person? I understand that life is important and it is a little unsettling to think of what you’re doing when you squish an ant or a gross centipede as taking a life, and I also understand that in some cases bugs are good like when they make it so people can have honey or whatever, but also THEY ARE GROSS AND SCARY AND I WISH THEY WERE ALL DEAD.
Somebody made some artistic film about the life and death of a dragonfly.

Last Moments Of Life from Paul Kroeker on Vimeo.

Oh, yeah. Look at its beautiful bug life. Look at all of its beautiful bug memories. What a beautiful life its had, being huge and disgusting and scaring everyone it comes in contact with and not caring about how scary it is at all because it has no idea because it is a bug and probably doesn’t even care if its alive or dead at all. I wish we could move all the bugs into their own free-range bug farm where they can just scare each other for the rest of all of their lives and then we wouldn’t have to deal with any of them. I hate bugs.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Lady Cries Over In-N-Out

Okay she's crying because shes happy? I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to an In-N-Out, the very popular west coast fast food burger chain, but I would like to tell you something about it. In-N-Out is not that great. “Yes it is, it’s the best!” – You, everyone, everyone in the world ever. No it’s not! I’m sorry to have to blow the lid off of the whole In-N-Out situation, but guys — those are just normal burgers. They taste and look normal. Also the fries are normal, if not a little worse than normal. It’s (I guess) better than other fast food burger chains, but that’s not a very difficult thing to be and let’s not get crazy. I mean, certainly I’m happy for you if it makes you very happy, like this woman in the video. That’s great. I wish anything non-alcoholic that I could buy for fewer than $5 could make me that happy. She’s going to eat so many burgers now and she won’t even have to go very far to do it and I do hope she cries every time. But I can’t stand idly by. Those burgers are normal burgers. In fact, MOST burgers are normal burgers. They taste like meat + the thing you put on them. I rest my case.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Find a Friend

As you get older, it can be so hard to find a true friend. So many people either already have a group of friends with their own inside jokes and their complicated intertwined relationships that when you make friends with one person suddenly you have to make friends with lots of people and that’s a whole thing. Other times you meet someone who seems cool but maybe it just doesn’t work out for some reason. And sometimes it’s just plain hard to meet anyone! Friendships aren’t that much different than romantic relationships when you think about it. They’re a huge investment of time and energy and it’s always hard to find one that you really care about and at the end of the day they might just end up being crazy or hurtful or not liking you enough. So what I say is why leave it up to chance? Get yourself a friend that you can rely on. Oh, he might not be perfect, but all I have to do is go find a VCR in the basement, hope that it still works, and BOOM, now I have a friend. He’s even wearing a sweater! I love my new friend because I’m super sad and at this point I don’t things could possibly get any worse.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Is This Real Life?

Lots of times when you get a person on camera they’ll act a little differently than they would otherwise. It’s easy to become more aware of yourself and how you’re being perceived, and it’s very easy to get self conscious. So maybe you act and react a little differently. “This is how I always stand,” you’ll scream to yourself, in your head. “I have to go to the bathroom and look at my face, I think it might look weird right now.”
But sometimes you get a person who just doesn’t give an F what anyone thinks about him, and maybe doesn’t even realize he’s on camera because he is a penguin and doesn’t understand what cameras are, so he’s just totally natural and it’s just so refreshing to see. He’s not trying to impress anyone. He understands the world and he rejects it because it is terrifying. He’s just keeping it real.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Diamonds On My Necklace

More news in beautiful gorgeous jewelry. Well, right. Of COURSE Justice Biebet, a 12-year-old actress from Canada famous for her role as Justine Biebo in the 3D movie Never Forever owns a TO DIE FOR jewel-encrusted necklace in the shape of a Family Guy character that is worth $25,000. Whats the big whoop? Is she going to NOT own a jewel-encrusted necklace in the shape of a Family Guy character that is worth $25,000? Be realistic! It’s called “balling out of control” and the ladies love it. (By ladies, of course, I mean other 12-year-old girls, the same age and gender as Justin Bieber.)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bradley Cooper Talking French


Monday, May 9, 2011

Pinot Awwwwww!

When you think about it we are all just a bunch of chinchillas in the world (a glass) except not cute.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Play Times



Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Do What You Do

Hey, it’s a tough world out there, you guys. JUST ASK OSAMA BIN LADEN, AM I RIGHT? Sorry. But it is a tough world out there. When it comes right down to it, most people are just doing their best to get through the day, and we should all be so lucky as to find one thing that makes us happy in this world. No one else is gonna do it for us! So, if dressing up in footy pajamas and installing a reinforced bottom to a child’s playpen so that it can support 350 pounds of man weight is what’s going to get you from sunup to sundown without blowing your brains out, more Pedialite to you. Here’s one thing, though: if that IS the thing that makes you happy, when the National Geographic camera crew comes around asking if you’ll allow them to film you taking a nappy-nappy in your big boy’s crib, please at least know that “no” is one of the things you can tell them. Keep that one in your back diaper pocket!
I do like that National Geographic doesn’t go into too much detail about how Stanley is able to afford spending HALF HIS LIFE as an adult baby, or where he met Sandra, or any of a million other questions this segment raises, but they do make sure to explain that he doesn’t wear a diaper when he goes out to run errands so as to avoid public humiliation. Uh, pretty sure that was the one thing that did NOT need any further explanation. Feel like we all would have totally been on the same page with why he doesn’t run his errands in a diaper.

Good luck, Stanley!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Some News

Hey I know most of you guys reading this come here for news and stuff, so I meant to tell you guys that Osama Bin Laden is dead. He got caught and killed, so just so you guys know.


Friday, April 22, 2011

The Greatest Speech Ever Given

OK, team, circle up. Take a knee. We’re going to go out there today and we’re going to show these guys what we’re made of. THIS IS OUR HOUSE! But before we smash their faces into the dirt, I’d like to give the floor over to Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard, who is going to say a few words:
Goats standing on a truck, check.
Superman theme music, check.
Monkeys riding dogs, check.
Answers to questions no one was asking, check.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.
Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.
You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sleep My Child

This is also the only way I can fall asleep, by having that guy jam his filthy thumb in my mouth.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Excuse Me Bitches

Excuse me bitches in the back. Wipe those stink faces off your faces.
What can you do. Haters gon' hate.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

I’m surprised he can eat after getting stung by what looks like 10,000 bees.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Terrible Teens

Cool. Great tips. Hey, here’s a completely unrelated question: do you guys ever think about just, you know, like, giving up completely? As if perhaps all of the hard work of trying to conceptualize of a world in which life is actually worth living and there is beauty and decency to be found in this existence of pain and misery is all for nothing and maybe we should just lie down in the road and let the abyss wash over us? These tips sound great! I was just thinking about that other stuff for no reason really hahahhah never mind. Can’t wait to try these tips!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I know that the training techniques used to create this situation were most likely very unpleasant and that animals are actually living sentient creatures and not just puppets for our amusement, but you have to hand it to these puppets, they are VERY AMUSING!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

This Just In

Mom did a great job on the cinematography. The zooms were magical.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

TV time

No offense to Oprah (none taken, I’m sure) but how on Earth does she have her own television network while Herbie & Jabby are languishing on YouTube? I’m just saying. Blah blah blah, book clubs and fake doctors and one billion dollars. THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN MY EYES 24 HOURS A DAY.
Lets just make sure an adult is around making sure Herbie and Jabby dont get TOO close mkay?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Go Slow

I’m guessing when you woke up today you didn’t even realize that a slow loris holding onto a tiny umbrella was something that existed, and now you must have realized deep within yourself that it’s the only thing you want in this entire world. Unfortunately, the line at the Slow Loris with A Tiny Umbrella Store is around the block. Some people have been camped out all week. OPEN OPEN OPEN!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Worst Got Worse

For once, I kind of appreciate YouTube commenters’ ability to just get right to it:

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Thin Crust of Hope: The Susan Guy Story

Pizza is the best. If you don’t agree with that statement then please do not read this site.
It is so delicious! With the cheese and the toppings and the sauce and the cheese and the toppings and the pizza. Yum! Yum!
My Uncle used to say that pizza was the perfect food because it included each of the four food groups, and he’s a medical doctor! So it should come as no surprise that pizza is a life-saver. Of course it is! Admittedly, it is not a life-saver the way that, you know, medicine is a life-saver. And apparently the only way it can save your life is if you call the same pizza place every morning and order the exact same thing (large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes) in a small town where that is an easily noticeable event, and where the employees of your local pizza place are actual real employees and not would-be dancers or poets or something, too wrapped up in their hopeless DREAMS to care about you. And it should be noted that consuming a large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes every day does have some side effects, but what medical treatment plan is without side-effects?! None medical treatment plans!
Im sure that when I am 82 I'll order and eat a large pepperoni pizza everyday. I like how she gets DIET coke. Regular Coke is just empty calories.

Source: GM

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Missy Misdemeanor Elliot is making Vlogs now I guess


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Invite Me to Your Party or I Will Kill Myself

"The Mexican teen hasn't eaten for the past eight days — consuming only water — in hopes that her bizarre, pathetic stunt will force Will and Kate to invite her to their exclusive wedding celebration." —Don't let 19-year-old Estibalis Chavez, hunger-striking in front of the British Embassy, beat you to the one golden ticket that Prince William and Kate are reserving for whoever horrifies them the most. And that's why I'm going to go somewhere that British people hang out — I don't know, where do they go, the airport? That's why I'm going to go to the airport and run in front of a plane. I hope I don't die, but if I do it was for something I loved.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Bad Teens

And so natural selection continues...

A New Kind of Crazy

Genus: Small humanoid. Sub-species of Vegans, also related to Hippies and Hipsters
Attacks: Excessive talking, razor-sharp nipples
Special Attacks: Crazy eyes
Special Qualities: Posting splits, random pec flexing, not knowing what’s going on
Skills: Expert smugness, Long-distance running, Fatty shaming
Feats: Mountain bench-pressing (Consult rule-book. Dungeon Master’s discretion)
Environment: Brooklyn, Denver, Portland OR, state parks
Treasure: Small fruits like dates and oranges, video recording device, jean shorts

Friday, February 11, 2011


Surprise her this Valentine's Day with an elegant little room of her own

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Watch Your Mouth

A ‘Scold’s bridle’ is a fearsome looking mask which fits tightly on to the head. A scold was defined as a “rude, clamorous woman.” The bridle was used as a punishment for women considered to be spending too much time gossiping or quarrelling. … The custom developed in Britain in the 1500s, and spread to some other European countries, including Germany. When wearing the mask it was impossible to speak. This example has a bell on top to draw even more attention to the wearer, increasing their humiliation.

"OK, but then what if we added a bell?"

Monday, January 31, 2011

You Want Cats?

Of course you want cats.
Cats for sale! Hot cats for sale! If you live in the Winnipeg area and you have been waiting for JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT to get into cat hoarding or you simply have holes in your couch, now is the perfect time to buy!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Welcome Back to The Internet

It's been a while since we've seen this lady. I guess her her success with Sunny D and Run drove her into hiding. But now shes back. And she has a fan.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Uprising is Rising Up


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

We Are The Turkey

It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Nothing Makes Any Sense

Birds is falling from the sky. Death is bubbling up from the lake, killing all the fishes.
Everything is dying.
People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Freakin Pissed Lady Bug Wonders "WHERE DID I LEAVE MY PURSE?!"

"Oh my goddd where did I put it, under this? Ugh, shit, no, under this?! God, why am I such a moron. OK it must be in — god DAMN it, I need to put it in the same place every time. Let this be a lesson, I guess, or whatever. OK, yes, duh, there it is, I know that's the — shit!! Where the hell is my PURSE?! I have places to BE! People to bite, shirts to crawl down. Let's DO THIS, come on, come on, come on."

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy Holidays to your family, or some shit

Uh can we all just agree that families are weird? It’s 2011. Can we just finally for once and for all recognize that there are both good and bad things about families, and that it is definitely weird that you have this lifelong bond to people some of whom you might not even like that much, and that there is all this intense stuff about families and your sense of obligations towards families and your sometimes inability to escape the long dark shadow cast by your family, and all of that, but also that some things are pretty great about families and but also that in the end the one thing that is for sure is that we all have families and we all have to figure out how to manage that while also leading our own lives as best we can? It seems like every single year we are rediscovering how weird it is to be in a family, as if we didn’t have families last year, or weren’t paying attention. And here’s another thing about families: everyone’s got to do the work, OK?! Stop complaining.
“I can’t stand my family.” Shut up. Deal with it. No matter what, they definitely MADE YOU, so give them credit for that and then work out the rest. It’s exhausting! We all have headaches already without having to listen to your headache. And you know what, when you start to actually talk about it, your mom sounds fun and nice and like she really loves you, SO CAN IT.
To reiterate: we all have families, all families are weird, but most of them are also kind of great so let’s just do the work of being alive in a world of inter-dependent human beings and try our best all things considered to enjoy what we have as often as possible but this week especially. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!