Sunday, December 12, 2010

Not to be a bitch but are the terrible bangs he has happening a part of the dog fantasy? I dont think so.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

All Hugs

This picture makes me feel high and shit

David

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hello DUH!

Hello Duh SARAH! Camouflage only works if you are in the woods or some shit. Everyone can see you.
Sarah was mad pissed I looked at her web history so she resolved to browse the web in secret. Until I caught her!
-David

The Worst Day

The only thing this tattoo needs is 'BLACK EYED PEAS 10' and its oficially the worst thing ever.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Mom Alert

Awww. Your mom seems nice, and obviously you love her.

But she also doesn’t understand ANYTHING.

AND she didn’t read the “STAY OUT, NO MOMS ALLOWED” sign that we put on the door to our Internet. God, your mooooooooom. It’s embarrasssssssssssing.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Alternative Lifestyles

In this new feature of the blog, ill be grabbing a photo of a celebrity, and imaging if their life had taken a different path.


She's 41 year old lesbian who teaches P.E. at an area public school, coaches the girls basketball team and is an active dater on eharmony.com

Ultimate Street Fight, Cats and Crows

The Battle may be over. But The War, has just begun

David

Friday, November 26, 2010

The End of an Era, is Keenan Done?


Between this and his lip-dub, with 50 Cents, I’m getting pretty worried about Keenan, you guys. He used to be one of the hardest syncers in the game, but now he is just straight up mocking his former self with this blah-blah-blah laziness. And, uh, I mean, uh, what is going on with the whole, you know DIAMONDS ON HIS FACE AND ALSO WHATS GOING ON WITH THEM CLOTHES?

What is going on here?
Obviously our prayers are with Keenan and his family in this difficult time. Everyone is pulling for you, buddy!

The Universe is filled with limitless possibilities. The future is unknowable. Who will we be, where will we be? But sometimes the planets align in The Universe, and for just one brief moment (or 1:36) we might catch a glimpse of our future selves.

In the video above I've caught a glimpse of who i'll be, and where i'll be. And I dont like it.

2012 cant come soon enough

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Dances with Old Ladies

A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into white middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain? What if that’s what you’re into, as it turns out that I am very into?”

Put a ring on it. And some fucking clothes

-David

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hello Soul Mate

Over time, I have definitely found that what I am attracted to has changed. The more that I come to know myself, the more that I can finally pinpoint what exactly it is that I’m looking for in a partner, you know? So, like, I used to think that I wanted someone who shared my taste in books, or who knew how to cook, or who had a welcoming family that I could get to know and become a part of. Now, most of that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me.
My other half can read whatever she wants, it doesn’t have any affect on what I’m reading. If she can’t cook, I dont give one single shit. There are plenty of people who can, they are called professional chefs and they’re all over the place.
And I’ve got a family, turns out I don’t need a second one.
At this point in my life, what I’ve finally come to understand is that the person I’ve been looking for all my life is someone who will spend upwards of five days in a tent outside of a strip-mall Best Buy in Florida waiting for a discount on a fucking TV.
Soul mates.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

liar liar

Not trying to get up in anyone’s business, but if you are dealing with a situation where you want to disguise your caller ID, disguise your voice, and know whether or not the other person is lying or not, you might be dealing with a situation for which your cellphone is no longer that useful. What kind of person would want this?

“You know what, I’m just going to buy this weird card, disguise my caller ID, make myself sound like the dude in Screamy Movie 4, activate the patented lie detector software, and record my call. That ought to solve everything, in this perfectly routine situation that we all find ourselves in.

The Audience Reaction to Oprah's "Favorite Things" is my favorite thing


At this point, it’s kind of a worn-out to say that you wish that you cared half as much about something in your life as someone in a YouTube video who cares way too much. For one thing, it’s a lie. It aims to paint whoever says it as a miserable husk of a human being while the truth of the matter is that miserable husks of human beings don’t TALK ABOUT IT VERY MUCH.
They mostly sit silently on a cat-hair-covered easy chair that smells like mold and drink alcohol from a novelty glass from Bubba Gump's restaurant in Times Square.

But it is true that there is something ineffable and jealous-making about people expressing PURE unbridled joy. We are all so clever and cool headed, we know that showing emotion is for NERDS. Cool kids are like “I would smile but then the cigarette that is dangling in the corner of my mouth would fall into the coffee that I take black.” But it’s not so much that I’m jealous of the people in this video (an amazing five-minute montage of all the audience reactions at Oprah’s two part 2010 “Favorite Things” episode) for having the ability to access an enthusiasm that I haven’t experienced in years or maybe ever.
I’m jealous of the people in this video FOR GETTING TO GO TO OPRAH’S “FAVORITE THINGS” EPISODE. Are you kidding? That shit is bananas. MY HEAD WOULD FUCKING FALL OFF IF ONLY.

David

Monday, November 22, 2010

Good Morning

First thing Monday morning is a perfectly reasonable time to be reminded that we have to get out there and fight for what we want, you guys. Which, apparently, is to be the best at our jobs as salesmen of something. I did not know this, but did you know that we are all in a sales business? I never knew! Always Be Knowing That, you guys. Coffee is for people who knew that. Are you amped? Let’s just get a quick show of hands to see who is and who is not AMPED.

David

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Still works

Oh just checkin. Yup. The Internet is working good today. Yup.

-David

BREAKING NEWS: CAT HICCUPS THEN FARTS!

We will continue to bring you updates on this story as they occur.


-David

I Do What I Do!


So, so gross. Feet repulse me. I don’t even like my own.

-David

Friday, November 19, 2010

I Do What I Do!


I'm glad that worked out for you. Sorry you have shoulders like a man.
-David

Thursday, November 18, 2010

its called light working

Okay 2012 is coming sooner then we thought, as told by your mom.

-David

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Horse Goes


That’s not where horses go, but there a horse is. Go figure.
OK, so we’re DEFINITELY all just biding our time until the tidal wave comes, not giving a fuck? Every last one of us? Nothing matters. Got it.

Via DailyWhat.

David

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Rapz

Of course all rap music just sounds like just plain noise to me, and I prefer the smooth stylings of Benny Goodman, but even I notice that this music gets worse when foreign people try to do it.

David

Fifty Face

weve seen these faces before. But now a famous face is added. There are a couple of problems with this. For one, Keenan seems to really be phoning it in in the Lip Dept. What’s going on there, Keenan? That shit lines up with the actual words, like, four times throughout. The rest is just “rhubarb rhubarb peas and carrots.” I know how sloppy lipsynching is done. I watch Drag Race! Don’t be an extra in your own movie, Keenan. The second problem is that I think this was made for Chelsea Lately, and while there’s nothing inherently wrong about a television show getting in (late) on a meme, I don’t trust (or particularly like) Chelsea Handler. Her intentions seem questionable to say the least. I don’t know Chelsea Handler personally, but none of the choices she make ever seem particularly fun? They all seem based on some kind of misguided black hole that’s growing deep at the core of her self-loathing.
All of that being said, I REALLY wish Keenan had his own show called Good Morning, Keenan! where he made lip dubs with other pop singers and then showed you how to make a low-cal Thanksgiving costume for your pet before their wedding. We could watch it together every morning, LIKE A FAMILY.

-David

Monday, November 15, 2010

To Die For Shoes!



Did you see the photos today of that 30-story high rise in Shanghai that is burning to the ground? Oh my goodness. 42 people have died and more than 90 are injured, and that is, as these things go, only SO FAR. It’s also one of those weird situations where the photos are really stunning and almost beautiful? Don’t get me wrong: actual nightmare IN PROGRESS, but you know what I mean. Did you ever see Terminator 3? At the end of Terminator 3 there is that one scene where Skynet launches, like, ALL the missiles in the world, and you see them soar out over the planet, and it’s really neat looking. There is just something horrifyingly beautiful about the end of things. But make no mistake: things are ending. Constantly. Forever.

So, we might as well find something that makes us happy before they do. For example: tons of fucking sequins

David

Friday, October 22, 2010


We should all be so lucky to find something in the world that makes us happy.
-David

Not trying to start any trouble, but that cat is too long. Seriously. It’s too long! Whatever. Don’t get so mad when someone tells you the truth. (Via Urlesque.)
-David

Halloween Baby


News that the apocolypse of 2012 isn't happening was a total bummer. I’m not saying that I want the world to be destroyed in a nightmarish cataclysm of fire and death, but I'm sorry. Once you get your mind set on something it’s hard to switch gears. And it really would have been such a tidy solution to so many problems. Just think: Iraq, Afghanistan, the oil-soaked (still) Gulf coast, the economic crisis, Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, DADT, Al Qaeda, peanut oil on the top of peanut butter that needs to be mixed in but is so hard to mix in without spilling the goddamned oil everywhere, and it stains, the last three episodes of Treme just sitting on the DVR, SO MANY PROBLEMS RESOLVED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYESTEROID. Oh well. Now I guess we just have to dealwithit.gif. Oddly, I’m not sure if the lack of a time constraint makes it more or less important for us each to find our joy in this world. Like, when it was all going poof in two years, it seemed pretty important to find some happiness before The End, but now that we might have to be here for fucking ever, it might actually be even more important because... good grief.

Follow your heart, you guys, wherever it leads you (WITHIN THE RULE OF LAW). Even if that means dressing up your dog as a Na’vi from the movie Avatar. And then also dressing up as a Na’vi yourself? And your dog is, like, a Jake Sully Na’vi, and you are a girl Na’vi, so it’s kind of like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend with your dog in space and have forbidden ponytail Tree of Souls sex that promises you to each other? Yikes. Fair enough! Yay! Happiness! (Could someone please revisit the 2012 math and see if we can’t get back on track?)
-David

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bussiness As Usual

Just a regular Wednesday morning. No big deal. Just totally regular Wednesday morning stuff. I’m not sure that sheet on the couch is protecting ANYTHING

-David

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Hair Do

Who let the dawgs out! Who Who Who Who Who?!
Yo cool broheims who think when you grow up you should be allowed to wear jeans to work but that doesn’t mean you won’t work really hard and girls who are empowered by their budding sexuality, which comes from hormones, which are going crazy in all of your bodies right now. It’s been awhile since we’ve kicked it old school, but now we’re slanging on the flippity flop like a bunch of BFFFFs because school is back in sesh, and there’s lots of cool stuff to gossip girls about. XOXOXBOXPS3.
One thing that’s super wicked dope is the new Willow Smith video for “Whip My Hair.” OMGod. Did you see it yet? I saw it over in the cafeteria and right away I had to go to my locker and SEXT my Facebooks about it. It’s megaNEAT. Did you know she’s only nine years old? That’s, like, younger than a tween even. TWEENS RULEZ. You can check the video out after the jump, although I’m sure you already totally downloaded it onto your ZunePad. Dope chill.

And It Breaks My Heart

When will they learn!

Number of Times Someone Being Made Fun of on the Internet Has Turned to That Very Same Internet with an Emotional Appeal to Stop Being Made Fun Of: 134,695,449

Number of Times This Strategy Has Proven Successful: 0

Number of Times the Internet Has Used These Emotional Appeals to Make Even Harder Fun of Initial Target: 134,695,449

The numbers don’t lie, guys. Be smart. Throw your computers in the garbage can!

David

(Via TheHighDefinite.)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Charades!



Opportunities to step away from his wasted life had become essential and while Daniel admired the competitive nature of his teammates, he began to despise them more and more with every guess. Why the sense of urgency? Why not let the game progress at a leisurely pace? He was enraged.

“Ketchup bottle!” one of them finally screamed and just like that, he was boring old Daniel again.

The daily grind would be upon him soon enough and though he hated himself for it, Daniel knew that he would think fondly of his time as a ketchup bottle in the coming weeks. It would occur most likely in the shower during bouts of stretching his penis out in a futile effort to match the proportions of his widening belly.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Diffrent Strokes

You know, the thing that people didn’t talk a lot about during the whole Chilean Miner Crisis/Celebration 2010 was how weird it is for people to even be in the MOLTEN CORE OF THE PLANET in the first place. You know what I mean? Like, we are all very glad that things worked out the way that they did in the end (especially this guy) but it’s a strange world, to say the least, where the world’s eyes are fixed on a straw-sized tube in the ground through which human beings travel like bubble tea through a mile of rock from this tiny hole where they spent three months wondering how their brains hadn’t melted out their ears yet. You know? I’m not saying that I understand the intricacies of certain resource requirements that our modern global lifestyles demand of our sad sweet planet, or the difficult and risky methods by which we secure those things so that our iPads blink in the night. I’m just saying that we can have LIFELIKE dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movie and yet human beings still have to travel into the heart of darkness and sometimes shit happens and you’re just like fuck.
And so, whether you are on the surface of the planet, or deep within its nightmare confines, you do have to find something to make you happy before you are buried (one way or the other). For example, starting up a YouTube account expressly for the purpose of posting your Aspberger-fueled video tours of midwestern Bed, Bath and Beyond elevators

-David

Friday, October 8, 2010

Oh God Robots

Whatever, robot. When your boyfriend is finished folding his socks, why don’t the two of you head down to the junkyard and throw yourselves in, because you’re TRASH. And guess what? I’ll say that to your stupid face, too. What are you going to do about it? You can’t roll over a field of human skulls because you don’t even have any tank treads or human skulls!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Mad Man

Get a load of this guy! Watch as a man gets pissed when he misses an elevator, so he rams his motorized scooter into the elevator doors, ultimately breaking the panels and, sadly, plummeting to his eventual death.

via [The Daily What]

-David

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Control That Face

Anotha one and anotha one. Dag this kid keeps droppin killer lipsync videos. He has the illest lipsync videos in the game son. Aww snap. I am beginning to suspect he is not human and is just a realistic puppet.

David

Friday, October 1, 2010

HELLO Its Called Art

There is, of course, the old statistical allegory in which the idea of an infinite number of possibilities is represented by a dozen monkeys (or one immortal monkey, according to Jorge Louis Borges) banging away at the keys of a dozen typewriters for an infinite amount of time will, eventually, through sheer chance, perfectly recreate every book in the British Museum. It is a cute theorem, and it certainly gets the idea across. But I think that we can all agree that a dozen monkeys (or one immortal monkey, or one million monkeys) recording ad infinitum on a dozen (or one infinitely battery-charged, or one million) FlipCams would never come up with half the shit we’re coming up with these days. YOU CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, METAPHORICAL MONKEYS
-David

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bridalplasty Is Real


It has long been believed that the world would end in 2012, but new information suggests that the world might end as early as whenever the fuck this new show called Bridalplasty on E! is coming out. Holy cow.

In one of the most shocking reality TV ideas yet, E! has ordered a new series that crosses a wedding competition with extreme plastic surgery.
The network is set to announce “Bridalplasty,” where brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.


Sure, we’ve all seen brides-to-be competing in wedding themed challenges to win minor surgical procedures, but finally, a show in which brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win EXTENSIVE surgical procedures. Neat!

Wait until you hear the FULL DESCRIPTION:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her “wish list.” She’s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week’s episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”

The last bride standing will receive a “dream wedding,” where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: “she is given the procedure immediately” “walking away with NOTHING” “losing the chance to be the PERFECT BRIDE” and “his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar.”
-David

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Not Mad at Dat







Cache Rules Everything Around Me from Evan Roth on Vimeo.

There are two (and only two, probably) things that I like in this world: Girl Talk and animated GIFS. So you can imagine how this makes me feel.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Troubled Water


Some people say that this is a video taken in the dining hall of a cruise ship during mad rough seas, and some people say that it is a VISUAL METAPHOR FOR LIFE! Mmmkay? Because in life, as you may know, sometimes we are tossed around by forces beyond our control. One second we are holding onto an overturned cash register, and the next thing we know, we and the register both are flying across the room, and uh oh, look out, here comes ALL THE CHAIRS!
Eventually, one hopes, the skies clear and the ship of LIFE rights itself, and we cruise through crystal blue waters, the sun beating down on our shoulders, and we barely even remember the part where the overweight security guard was holding onto a support beam and screaming at people to return to their rooms. Of course, that is even more metaphorical, since we don’t have a video of a cruise ship on calm waters.
We only have a video of a cruise ship on rough waters. But I am pretty sure that in LIFE as in CRUISE SHIPS, there are both. Plus that in life, as well as in cruise ships, troubled water is best navigated from behind the bar!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Keep Backin Dat Up

I couldnt love this remix more. Unless I found out this lady was related to Sylvia Browne, then I might love it more.

-David

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Back it Up


Sorry about those robbers. However, the real crime is that she isn’t called upon to bear witness to EVERYTHING. “Eccentric Witness Describes…” could be a whole series.
Via Dlisted

-David

America's Got Faces

Oh Snap.
All the faces up in here. He has mad expanded his vocabulary of faces.

-David

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Summer Lovin Had Me A Blast

Well dag. The holiday weekend approaches. And with it, the end of summer. It happens every year, so there’s no reason for us to be surprised. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t carry a hint of sadness with it. The briefest regret that perhaps we are forgetting something. Perhaps an opportunity was missed. All those items on the Summer Bucket List that remain unchecked, and so few days to check them off. Of course, before we know it, we’ll be buried neck-deep in autumn, and any residual regret from a summer wasted will be pushed aside by the annual high-level anxiety over what inanimate object to make “sexy” for Halloween?! And then it will be Christmas. And then we’ll all be dead.

But for today, we momentarily look back, our skin still warm, our hands still raised to shield our eyes from the sun, and that’s when we get it. That’s when we get it right in the face.


And we’re done here, indeed. R.I.P. SUMMER 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

Game Time

That cat plays Duck Hunt exactly like I used to, which was a close as possible to the screen.

PS: that Duck Hunt dog is the worst

-David

Friday, August 27, 2010

Antoine Dodson 4Eva! RUN AND TELL THAT



Well, my mom finally saw the Bed Intruder Remix, because she saw the a clip of it on The Today Show this morning. And what did she have to say about its racial and economic implications?



“I like this song! Catchy. Good beat!”- My Mom 1812-2012

Treadmill Babies Thank Gawd Its Friday

Just had the sudden, horrific realization that my life can be summed up in an 18 second YouTube video. Except I am on the treadmill alone. Whatever. TGIF.
via BuzzFeed

-David

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tattoos Are Forever


Hey guys, I just wanted to give everyone a quick, friendly reminder about tattoos: they are forever. Yeah. I know that in our hectic modern world of SEXTING and Razr Scooters that it can be pretty hard to remember everything, and maybe some of you forgot that when you get a tattoo on your body, it is there until your are dead and all of the flesh rots away from your bones and rejoins Mother Gaia. So, say for example, that you wanted to get a gigantic tattoo on your forearm of Antoine Dodson, the subject of a popular Internet meme of the summer of 2010 with absolutely no sustainability: please just keep in mind when you are thinking of doing this that the tattoo of Antoine Dodson is going to be on your body for the rest of your life, long after anyone remembers who Antoine Dodson is, perhaps even long after you remember who Antoine Dodson is, if you happen to succumb to the increasingly pervasive disease of Alzheimer’s. Even if you somehow mange to survive 2012, you’ll be left to float along the water-soaked wastes of humanity’s wreckage with a giant tattoo of Antoine Dodson on your forearm.
In this scenario, one would assume that you would have more pressing concerns than the regretful tattoo decisions you made in a life and world that no longer exist, and yet one can still imagine you huddled on your makeshift raft, staring out with blistered eyes over an endless ocean of solitary horror, glancing down at your own reflection in the abyss of your inevitable doom, and catching a glimpse of your fucking Antoine Dodson tattoo and just being like, “eff.” Just something to think about before you make up your mind!
(Image via BuzzFeed.)

-David

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Gaborey Sidibe's Mom Auditions for America's Got Talent

I suppose “Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing me” is still way better than “Stop it, mom, you’re raping me.”

-David

Cat Bashed Captured!


Finally the cat trasher has been nabbed! Why are they putting her in the drivers seat? Dumb lady cops and their bright yellow vests and bowler hats.
-David

America Does Not Got Talent


While I agree philosophically with the idea that all taste is subjective, I kind of feel like we need to get a verification on it. Because, sometimes I get the feeling that taste is not subjective at all. At the very least, perhaps we can all agree that there are moments in which something is either good or bad, and that the people who think otherwise are SCIENTIFICALLY wrong. The most obvious example, of course, would be mad creepy YouTubes with aging related disease faces.

Another instance would be Prince Poppycock, a current contestant on America’s Got Talent, who is not only a finalist (A FINALIST!?!) but seems to be beloved by the judges and the audience alike. “Dude” is just killing it! On last night’s episode, he performed a Marie Antoinette powder-faced musical theater version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” because it’s 2010 and 2012 cannot come soon enough
-David

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Robot Job

This video (via BoingBoing) features a state-of-the-art robot in a UC Berkley lab that has been trained to pair socks together. That’s all it does. It takes two socks, one of which is inside out, it turns the sock inside in, and then it puts the two socks together. It is also worth noting that this video has been sped up to 15x the actual speed it takes this fucking machine to put two fucking socks together.“Fucking socks, how do they work” – Insane Robot Posse

Phew. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Admittedly, the robots only have two years to become self-aware and launch SkyNet before they themselves are destroyed along with all the monks in the great Mountain Flood of 2012. But still. Have fun at dinner, robots. And no offense to robot scientists, but maybe it’s time for them to start inventing something useful, like a drinking fountain that dispenses Mountain Dew. I’m just saying: this thing takes up half the room, costs a quarter-of-a-million dollars to build, a team of experts to monitor, and does the work of a halfway house resident outreach program. Enough. Is there still cancer in the world? Do mobile phones still drop calls? Is milk kind of weird if you think about it? Can a horse be cross-bred with a bird to make a pegasus? How is baby formed?

-David

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Like Dat

If I knew how to make gifs from videos, I would make one of the guy doing the side-swipe move from :17 to :21. And I would look at it every day for the rest of my life until 2012.

People Are The Worst

The eff is this? Is this the kinda week we are facing? This is genuinely terrible.
Some piece of shit was caught by a surveillance camera throwing a cat in the garbage. BOOO! Where is the barrister so he can lock her up in lorry and throw away the pint?Animal Rescue Team ASSEMBLE!

-David

Friday, August 20, 2010

Style Has No Size


I think it was Marilyn Monroe or some sh!t who said, "if you're gonna show some mad legs, then keep your arms covered, and if youre showing arms and shoulders, cover them legs". Well the same logic applies to big gurls who may try to cover up everything. Dont do it big gurls, dont cover yourselves all up ALL of them curves. Let the menz see some shoulder, or let them see some legs, but dont't go crazy with that, dont give em both at once. This applies to skinny b*tches too, but seriously f#ck skinny bitches anyway.
-David

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

LOLs Please


I can guess what this sounds like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vFVnTMwt3w
OW OW UGGGHH I CANT BREATHE OW OW EAHHHH

David

Just Normal News

In case you didnt want to watch this whole entire 8 minute long video:
•Many of the elves in North Carolina are actually indigenous to Florida and California
•Elves like to be near water where the oceans meet the mountains (?)
•Elves enjoy privacy and are the shyest of all the nature spirits
•They are thin, as you have seen in the elf documentary Lord of the Rings
•THEY ARE THE UNICORN CARETAKERS, DUH GUYS
•Oranges and apples are very big with elves (also shish kebab, also CHINESE FOOD)
•This one time this dude hung out with an upside down elf after paying him a copper for passage because he forgot to carry oranges around with him

FACTS

David

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cute Again


We could all use a little charm in this dark world of seemingly endless pain and suffering. So, let’s have some charm! Above please enjoy a short animated film about Marcel, a tiny shell with one googley eye. I don’t want to give too much away, but Marcel’s one regret in life is never owning a dog. And wait until you hear how he ties his skis to his car! SPOILER ALERT: very charmingly, and very cutely as well.

Of course This does not change the fact that the oil spill in the gulf may never get cleaned up, or that the War in Iraq is an endless hell on Earth, or that we live in an age of impossible bigotry borne of cowardice and fear, but, conversely, those things don’t change HOW CUTE AND GREAT THIS MOVIE IS.

David

Do I Need This?

It was one thing when people afflicted by horrifying aging related diseases made cameo apperances in charming rap videos. Thats fine. I am okay with that. But when these persons decide to make videos of their own, videos that are nothing more then an upclose zoom on their hideous visage staring right into my soul- I cannot handle that. This ruined my tuesday morning.

-David

Monday, August 16, 2010

Gay Games

Well here he is for better or worse (mostly worse.) Sarah's boyfriend she met gaming online.

Sure, sometimes she wishes her boyfriend wouldn’t spend so much time–all of his waking life–playing videogames on-line with his friends, but he’s just a very passionate person, and that is what she loves about him. Besides, his gaming headset kind of looks cute on him. Not as cute as, say, not wearing an gaming headset, but if he’s going to wear a gaming headset, he could look worse. Anyway, Sarah is sure that one day he will turn all the focus and attention and passion and excitement and emotional investment he has for videogames to his relationship with her, and when that day comes, it is just going to be so wonderful. She loves him so much. She can hardly wait.

-David

Yo Yo Yo

As you can see, the Worldwide Yo-Yo Champion of 2010, Jensen Kimmitt, has mad yo-yo skillz. But the best part of all this is that he simultaneously demonstrates his skill with the yo-yo, while also pulling off the incredible trick of seeming kind of cool and possibly even normal, not anything like the weird, Asperger-y, basement nerd who smells like wet newspapers and social anxiety that one assumes he must be when the stage lights are off.
Second best part of all this is the crowds reaction. Holy smokes these people love yo-yo. Watch 1:23 when a fan throws two fists in the air. Yo-yo is so exciting!

-David

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Zits? YUCK!

Holler, dogs. You know, high school is pretty tough what with all the homework and tests and adults who don’t know anything and are such failures in their own lives that they’re just stupid teachers and principals and don’t even have their own TV show like how you’re going to have when you’re an adult. And it doesn’t get any easier when the hormones start kicking in and you get a total case of PIZZA FACE. Bagel Bitez!

The bullies don’t need any more ammo, word up.
But you don’t have to look like Pizza the Hut (Space Balls, dogs!) with ProActiv. It’s super awesome and totally rad, and nothing to be ashamed of because the human body is natural or some shit. And plus that, famous people use it. And if famous people use something, you know that thing is a great thing that you should use, too. “Oh sure, like what famous people, old man who is basically dead and so old? You probably don’t even know who any famous people are, you probably think a famous person is, like, Topher Grace.” Well, I’ll tell you who, brohams, JUSTIN BIEBER THAT IS WHO! Who’s the man now, dawg?!

See its not just for hard-core cases. People who don’t even have zits should probably spend money on this stuff. And the best part is, it’s perfect for kids like Justin Bieber. So, kids who are internationally-renowned multi-millionaire child stars and BFFs forever with Usher. You know, normal kids!

Bad Choices



“The real problem with tattoos is that they’re not permanent ENOUGH. Sure, I will have this on my body for the rest of my life, and obviously that’s great news, but what about after I die? What if I get to heaven and I’m trapped in some stupid, unblemished, perfect form of my body, without any awesome, clever tattoos that are just so funny and so clever and just such a smart thing to put on my body forever and representative of the best decision I ever made, definitely? Or even worse: what if I just become pure energy? Because, if heaven really is this awesome place where all you do is ride roller coasters with your dead pets and eat ice cream with Michael Jackson, then surely there must be some kind of tattoo parlor up there, right? I mean, if heaven is where you get to enjoy all your favorite things, and since my favorite thing is coming up with awesome tattoo ideas and then making those tattoo ideas a reality to the point where my friends are like “You are so good at coming with great tattoos and if we were you we would just quit our jobs and stay at home all day looking at our awesome tattoo and feeling good about our priorities in life and our decision making skills,” then surely there’s a tattoo parlor made out of clouds where you can get tattoos in eternal ink. That will be awesome. But if we’re just pure energy at one with the Universe and I can’t have this Britney Spears tattoo, which is just the best thing, a FACT on which we all agree, I’m sure, then I’m going to super bummed FOREVER.”

-David

Friday, August 13, 2010

Ack!


Well now I am pissed and sad.
Cathy Guisewite has announced the end of Cathy.
Ack! Now what am I supposed to read every day? Ack! She was the only one who understood my love of shopping, and how hard it is to find a good man, and how difficult mettlesome mothers can be! ACK!
-David

Meet This Dad

There should be a word for men of a certain age who have decent bodies but not great bodies, who love to take off their shirts at weirdly inappropriate times. Like, if you saw this guy at the beach, you’d probably be like, “For an older gentleman he keeps himself in pretty good shape.” But in this video it’s like, “What are you doing? Where are you getting this confidence from, Mr. Paunch?

-David

Thursday, August 12, 2010

They Rapin' Evabody Out Here

I’ve got mixed feelings about the Antoine Dodson meme. I didnt blog about it at first thats how conflicted I was. Dont think I didnt know about it.
I Knew about it.
It’s just hard to understand the motives of the original news team in including him in their report, and it’s hard to understand the motives of the Internet (always) in spreading the clip. But mixed feelings is the right word, because motives and ebonics aside, he is funny. And funny sells. It’s not nearly as blatant and terrible as Epic Beard Man. What was WITH you guys on that one? “It’s hilarious how that overtly racist old man punches a black man in the face.” Cool. Finger on the pulse. We are getting off track. All of us, we all share an equal responsibility in taking this conversation off track. Back on track: every meme would probably–almost certainly–benefit from getting a marching band involved, and the Antoine Dodson meme is no exception.
So here below is the marching band version of the “Bed Intruder Song,”

-David

Handsome Smiles All The Way

All i saw in that video was teeth and dimples. Double teeth and dimples all the way. Whoa man. But I guess the camera adds ten pounds of teeth and dimples.

-David

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Cat Have No Legs


You know it really goes to show you what’s important in life.
Legs.

-David

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

There She Go

Sarah is the best but everyone has their faults. I mean I would be the first to admit that Sarah has a bit of a temper. You know that, of course you know that. If she can’t have her way, if, for example,the lady at a McDonald’s drive-thru window tells her that she can’t order chicken McNuggets because it’s 6:30 in the morning and they are not serving chicken McNuggets yet, sure, she’ll get out of the car and start trying to crack some skullz. No doubt about it. But that’s just her passion coming to the surface. She is a woman filled with passion. And covered in pink jersey cotton. I love her so much.

-David

Monday, August 9, 2010

Let Em Know

Ok this is pretty good. However, the single greatest thing I’ve ever seen was the sign-language interpreter at a Michigan gay pride celebration a bunch of years ago, signing and miming along to a song whose entire, repetitive lyrics went: “P*ssy chugger, I’m chugging on your p*ssy.” She was a huge, sassy lady and put a lot of backbone into it. Alas, she set the bar pretty high.

-David

Oh My Monday

On Mondays, it’s hard not to feel at least a little bit overwhelmed by the Sisyphusian task of pushing another week up the mountain. But it is nice to remember and to be reminded that there are Mad Decent block parties out there, and that it’s not all company-wide Q3 earnings report review meetings and getting that file on someone’s desk by 3PM.

You know what, sometimes you strap on your fanny pack and head down to the boardwalk and dance in a way that is both unexpected and delightful. And as “Grandma Tracy” shows us, sometimes you do this until you are 1,000 years old. Let’s hope. And LET’S GO!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Party in the UGA

So I guess performing arts is not UGA’s strong suit, but they do have excellent beer bong and racist programs

David

Come on, guys. Time to get it together. It’s 2010. There is absolutely no reason to be seeing these lazy, poorly performed opossum pedicures. And you’re really only embarrassing yourself with your opossum’s broke-ass feet. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THINGS.

David

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Not So Fast Advertising

LOL. Sorry, K-Swiss. You were right in thinking that I really like Danny McBride and Kenny Powers and Eastbound and Down and you were right that by using these things to promote your product I would be more inclined to pay attention to what you were trying to sell, but guess what?
I’m still not going to buy your garbage shoes that look like a joke from some early ’90s movie about “the future” . Tubes? Fuck out of here.

David

PTSD 4 Everyone!

Dear 2012,
I know we agreed December 21st, 2012, was when the world would end, but if you feel like ending sooner, please feel free. Anytime, really. We are all pretty much done here.
Sincerely, People Working As Hard As They Can To Make Sure Everything On Earth Has Effing PTSD

David

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

America's Funniest Video

EXCUZZZZE ME! I thought dancers always had The Right of Way?!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Just a Sec, I Think I Got Something In My Eye



In my future home, this will be the first thing my guests see as they enter my foyer.
-David

It Started, and it Continues

This ain’t your grandma’s rave! Oh, wait, yes it is…

-David

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lets Git It Started

Look how foreign police do, no bashing people and yelling at you for jaywalking. They just dance and God love em. So what, who cares if they spell Police "Polis"

-David

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Its Time For HUNKZ

No offence but these hunky faggots don’t know shit about interpretive dance. Just Sayin.

-David

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Just What I Needed

People have been talking about how The Web is changing, and how The Internet hasnt been“itself” over the past few months. Well guess what. This dog riding a lawn mower reminds us that the Internet has not forgotten where it came from, or what it is all about. True blue to the end, The Internet. Never change. I know you won’t.
-David

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You Win Some

You know how dance battles are, sometimes you win, most times you lose. But when other people are dancing- you pretty much always win. This is one of those winning times. You go you guys!

-David

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Big Trouble DA REMIX

Well this goes against my usually strict policy of not laughing at sobbing 11 year olds, but you know what. I have to make an exception and LOL the heck out of this.
"Consequences will never be the same"
-David

There She Go


She’s a new mom from Cambridge, MA, who teaches pottery and loves hiking.

-David

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Watch It


I think Watermelons must be mad addictive or some shit. This one time Joanna's Grandma Mary Z ate a whole entire one at once, and she had to go to the hospital. Eventually the baby will be doing like the guy below, its only a matter of time.

-David

Saturday, July 17, 2010


How many syllable clapping arguments do you get in to the point where you need to talk about it?
How many penises does it take before you realize that maybe chatroulette isn’t the best place to go if that is something you hate?
Also, you are on chatroulette to connect to someone? ;-(
How close are you following the person in front of you while driving that you have to slam on the brakes all the time?
Why do you hate other people’s pants?

I can understand the drinking from the carton thing, though. That complaint has been around since Aeschylus i think, when the Greeks were drinking straight from the cow’s teats.

-David

Friday, July 16, 2010

Its Really Real


I guess I didn’t discover him, discover him, but until this moment I did not know that the Hispaniotan Solenodon existed. Now I do. And Joan is going to go write a children’s book about him. It’s going to be the best children’s book ever because it features a Hispaniotan Solenodon
-David

Big Trouble!

Oh dag, the Dad has backtraced it. Cyber-police is on their way. Consequences will for sure never be the same.

ps- also funny, same girl being a bad tween, before the mad crying.

-David

I want to experience the same bliss that sloth feels while hugging that giraffe.

-David

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Teen Time


Phew. Oh man, I cannot tell you how relieved I was to finally see that Vodafone sign and confirm this was in the UK, not the US. Sure America has our share of wackadoos, but foriegn people is worse.
Anyone know what they call Chris Hansen in Britain?

-David

Monday, July 12, 2010

And Club And Club

Look whos on the scene. Theres a new boyfriend for Joan- he meets all requirements.
1) loves to club
2) is a DJ, can get her into kewl clubs
3) has eccentric hair style
4) not "conventionally" attractive
5) old
Just kidding, no seriously, JK

-David

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Get Back From Me

Sometimes you are just in no mood for this nonsense and you just want to watch your shows. This Cat knows what i'm talkin about.

-David

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Party Time, EXCELLENT

YEAH! SWEET! RIGHT ON DUDES! HAVING A BOWL HAIRCUT IS THE BEST MAN! OH YEAH!

-David

Friday, July 9, 2010

I've Found My Spirit Animal


Is anyone suprised that the owner of this animal feeds him graham crackers on a leopard print blanket? Because I'm not suprised.
-David

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Go Go Jo


I’m not sure what attracted me to Rick first, whether it was the complete lack of self-awareness, the embodiment of a grotesque 1970s-era sexuality, or the damp slick of death that slid from his pores, but I am definitely very attracted to him, love him, have sex with him, want to marry him, share all my secrets with him, and just wish I could live inside him forever.”
– Joan Skumanich 1974-2012