Hello Soul Mate

Over time, I have definitely found that what I am attracted to has changed. The more that I come to know myself, the more that I can finally pinpoint what exactly it is that I’m looking for in a partner, you know? So, like, I used to think that I wanted someone who shared my taste in books, or who knew how to cook, or who had a welcoming family that I could get to know and become a part of. Now, most of that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me.

My other half can read whatever she wants, it doesn’t have any affect on what I’m reading. If she can’t cook, I dont give one single shit. There are plenty of people who can, they are called professional chefs and they’re all over the place.

And I’ve got a family, turns out I don’t need a second one.

At this point in my life, what I’ve finally come to understand is that the person I’ve been looking for all my life is someone who will spend upwards of five days in a tent outside of a strip-mall Best Buy in Florida waiting for a discount on a fucking TV.

Soul mates.

Zits? YUCK!

Holler, dogs. You know, high school is pretty tough what with all the homework and tests and adults who don’t know anything and are such failures in their own lives that they’re just stupid teachers and principals and don’t even have their own TV show like how you’re going to have when you’re an adult. And it doesn’t get any easier when the hormones start kicking in and you get a total case of PIZZA FACE. Bagel Bitez!

The bullies don’t need any more ammo, word up.
But you don’t have to look like Pizza the Hut (Space Balls, dogs!) with ProActiv. It’s super awesome and totally rad, and nothing to be ashamed of because the human body is natural or some shit. And plus that, famous people use it. And if famous people use something, you know that thing is a great thing that you should use, too. “Oh sure, like what famous people, old man who is basically dead and so old? You probably don’t even know who any famous people are, you probably think a famous person is, like, Topher Grace.” Well, I’ll tell you who, brohams, JUSTIN BIEBER THAT IS WHO! Who’s the man now, dawg?!

See its not just for hard-core cases. People who don’t even have zits should probably spend money on this stuff. And the best part is, it’s perfect for kids like Justin Bieber. So, kids who are internationally-renowned multi-millionaire child stars and BFFs forever with Usher. You know, normal kids!

Baby Jam

This is an incredible Lady Gaga tribute, yes, but it’s an even better advertisement for having children. You can make them do whatever you want and they have no idea. The only question now is DO THE BABIES QUALIFY FOR AMAZON SUPERSAVER FREE SHIPPING? I will take three of them.

-David

Hold Me

Sometimes, on Valentine's Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend might be a terrible joke, like, "I wish every day could be Valentime's Day!" What people don't realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine's Day. You know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. She is thinking: "regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor representing a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, my safe space, I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth."

-David

I Want More Things

There is no inherent purpose in life. Each of us give life our own purpose. In the end, we will all die, and inexorably all of our accomplishments (reading the entire internet) will be turned to dust and we will be forgotten.
What is the point of trying to feed the hungry or house the homeless? Instead, seize upon what is important. Seek whatever material pleasures you can from life, collect whatever worldly goods you possibly can, and then just sit on them; you don't have to do anything with them because there really is no point to any of it. My recommendation is that you should be buying all the things you can.
What better place to buy things then the Sky Mall catalog? Lets look at 5 things you should buy before you die.

1.) Wine Glass Necklace. Coming to terms with your mortality in a godless world can really work your nerve. And if you happen to be an older individual, you'll find this realization extra upsetting, your time is limited. What you need, everyone needs, is a drink. Problem is, wine glasses can be hard to hold when your hands are trembling and you are crying (trust me I know), that's why it's great to have a wine glass holder necklace.

2.) Waistband Stretcher. While you wait for your Pajama Jeans to come, you'll need to have on hand a pair of pants that fit, just in case one of your cats gets a bad eye infection and you have to rush to the vet.

3.) Sexy Lingerie Shirt. I am just in love with this shirt, seriously what a hoot. Even if my cats can't read, and the last person who stepped foot inside my apartment was a hoarding counselor 12 years ago, this shirt makes ME feel good and that's whats important.

4.) Siamese Slanket. Why was the Snuggie such a hit? Doesn't anyone realize Slanket was there first? This is the same thing that happened with Britney and Christina, Backstreet and N*Sync and the movie Ants and A Bug's Life. Whats been wack is that the Slanket and Snuggie never came in plus sizes, responding to my letters of complaint the companies stated that their products were ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that's a load of bologna. If you're a full figured individual, treat yourself to one of these, don't struggle and diet to fit into mainstream society's idea of "standard" Snuggie or Slanket size.

5.) Lighted Slippers. Shuffling around a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night trying to prepare yourself a midnight snack as dozens of cats bob and weave between your ankles like football players running drills can really be a hazard. Just be careful with these though, I've noticed they do help me see where I'm going but some of the friskier cats are attracted to the light and this can be a problem.

I Don't Need To Wear That!

1866 is the year Levi Strauss made his first pair of denim pants, and since that time jeans haven't stopped evolving. I'm just saying, jeans inventors. Maybe give it a break. Isn't there enough kinds of jeans already?

As I always say, I'm not one to judge, but- I still have to speak my piece, and here are five jeans that (IMHO) have helped make the world a worse place.

1.) The tight baggy pant. This is jean science gone mad. This one garment manages the to do the opposite of what clothes are supposed to do, by shortening a lady's legs, adding about two feet to her torso and crotch, this probably breaks everyone one of Tim Gunn's rules of dressing. This is probably the worst in the bunch. I'm glad to get it out of the way.

2.) Even the name of this brand is terrible, Genetic Denim. They are on the list here for their skintight jeans inspired by spray paint colors. I know you're only as old as you feel, but I don't think anyone over 19 should be waltzing around in these glorified leggings (I think the black are OK though).

3.) I am skeptical of most clothes that lace up, and here is a pair of jeans that are getting a thumbs down. Its not just the laces that I'm mad at, if the pants ended in a heel, they would stand a better chance, but why go through all the work of lacing those mothers up, just to have a dumpy flat converse on the end?

4.) Stop! Did I say the skinny/baggy jeans were the worst? Here is the worst: Leggie-Legs by Ilaniowear. These may not count as jeans since they don't have a crotch, and are not denim, but they do need to be included here- if anything is making this world a worse place, its these Leggie-Legs. The website explains they are retailers of 'experimental clothing'. When science experiments fail, there is smoke and stuff explodes, when clothing experiments fail, it looks like this: hideous bell bottoms made of hologram spandex and loads of garbage fake fur. These are only for Brooke Hogan.

5.) These keyboard pants are really the inspiration for this jeans blog. While nothing is particularly off the charts terrible about the jeans themselves, why do they need to have a keyboard set into them? If its for a person who is mad on the computer then he is likely not even wearing jeans (or pants if he is like me). Please let jeans be jeans and let keyboards be keyboards.

-David

Gimme

Does anyone besides me know the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog? Its pretty much like the Sky Mall airplane catalog, but even crazier and with more expensive things. The person who used to live in my apartment got it, and it still comes, and I always pick out what I want.
So let me share with you the five things I want.

1.) With this life sized giant six thousand dollar robot from the show Lost and Space I can finally express to the world that I have no intentions of ever having a family, and that I am quite happy staying inside all day watching TV and spending all my money on myself.

2.) I am always saying holding a book is too hard. Most times I just don't have the strength. Thats why this book valet is what I need, makes reading a book like looking at the tv. I hope for $179.95 it can also read to me if I need to rest my eyes.

3.) You know what would be the best? If there was a remote controlled toy that was modeled on the under water predator who has recently tragically taken the life of crocidile whisperer Steve Irwin, and you could use it to scare you Nana who has dipped her feet into the pool.

4.) Finally robot science has reached a point where every home in the country can have a decapitated robot Elvis head for just $179.95 (down from 299.99 this is a bargain). Yumma Yumma right? I am not sure if he is programmed to 'makeout'. Also don't bring him in the bathtub.


5.) Decades of sleeping alone may leave some people sinking into an miserable abyss of soul crushing loneliness. But not me, at least not as soon as I get my total body support pillow. Is that tv's The Nanny in the picture below? Can't be sure but she sure looks happy.

-David

If You Like It Then You Shoulda

Burgers! Everyone loves to eat em, put em on their heads, even wear them. Not suprising, the Japanese have figured out people want them as jewely too. Of course! The most brilliant part about this is the wearer can customize how she or he wants his burger. For me, no tomatos and if you're Atkins oriented, no bun.
Ring $192.00 (extra toppings around $32.00)
via Q.POT
-David

The Webs We Weave

How does a spider catch a fly? With its web. Well, a lady isn't born with a web, but she can get one (web dress) and catch herself a guy (or whatever she wants, no judgements). Bodywebs.com is really something you need to see no matter who you wanna catch. The site is kooky OK (there is a page that plainly informs visitors the bussiness is operated from a mobile home in a nudist camp). But some of the fashions on there are stone cold chic.As Gina says (this is one of her highest forms of flattery) 'it looks designer'. Though I am still not 100% decided on which menswear piece would suit me best.

-David

Oh Dats Nice

If I am ever fortunate enough to have a lawn I'm not gonna decorate it with racist little jockey statues, gnomes or pink flamingos (well not JUST those). I'm gonna also make sure I have a bunch of zombies in there to look sweet, and they will help keep the slugs off my marigold plants.
via the sweet things at Toscano home and garden via neatorama
-David