Diffrent Strokes

You know, the thing that people didn’t talk a lot about during the whole Chilean Miner Crisis/Celebration 2010 was how weird it is for people to even be in the MOLTEN CORE OF THE PLANET in the first place. You know what I mean? Like, we are all very glad that things worked out the way that they did in the end (especially this guy) but it’s a strange world, to say the least, where the world’s eyes are fixed on a straw-sized tube in the ground through which human beings travel like bubble tea through a mile of rock from this tiny hole where they spent three months wondering how their brains hadn’t melted out their ears yet. You know? I’m not saying that I understand the intricacies of certain resource requirements that our modern global lifestyles demand of our sad sweet planet, or the difficult and risky methods by which we secure those things so that our iPads blink in the night. I’m just saying that we can have LIFELIKE dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movie and yet human beings still have to travel into the heart of darkness and sometimes shit happens and you’re just like fuck.
And so, whether you are on the surface of the planet, or deep within its nightmare confines, you do have to find something to make you happy before you are buried (one way or the other). For example, starting up a YouTube account expressly for the purpose of posting your Aspberger-fueled video tours of midwestern Bed, Bath and Beyond elevators

-David

Do I Need This?

It was one thing when people afflicted by horrifying aging related diseases made cameo apperances in charming rap videos. Thats fine. I am okay with that. But when these persons decide to make videos of their own, videos that are nothing more then an upclose zoom on their hideous visage staring right into my soul- I cannot handle that. This ruined my tuesday morning.

-David

You know what I hate? Child abduction. Hate it! Yuck! Oh, child abduction is the worst. I have always felt this way. You can go through everything I have ever written or said in my entire life (although stay out of my thoughts, you precogs!) and you will never find me arguing in FAVOR of child abduction. “David? He is firmly and publicly against child abduction” is the kind of thing someone might say about me, if asked about my thoughts and/or opinions on the violent kidnapping of innocent children. My motto is “Children should be seen, not heard, nor abducted.” Anyway, I’m belaboring the point now, but I think you get it: thumbs down, kidnappers. Boo! Get off the van!
That being said, I also hate this amber alert PSA in which a bunch of “moms” shoot automatic weapons in slow motion while making screamy faces. Yikes. You guys, I’m worried about these moms!
As horrible and scary as child abduction (which I hate!) is, human beings shooting automatic weapons is also horrible and scary. Regardless of how ill-fitting their pants and sweaters are! Of course, the worst part about this ad is that the whole thing comes laced with a heavy layer of irony (moms and mom jeans and action guns and heavy music and slow-motion and an aesthetically modern background) and personally, when it comes to child abduction, which I abhor and will always abhor no matter how strong your pro-child abduction argument may be, irony has no place. Child abduction is one of the few things in this world that remains irony-free. Because of how, you know, it is entirely terrible.

-David

My Little Nightmare

This is another one for the Funny, Sad Real book.

When I was a kid, I used my collection of My Little Ponies as warhorses (of course, brushing their hair after the carnage), but had I seen this then, I’m not sure whether I would have been mad excited to have my X-Men and Ninja Turtles ride them into battle or be mad scared and have wanted to lock them in the fridge in the basement like I did to did My Buddy after watching Chuckie.
This is on a stage somewhere? How did this set get built, or the animatronic face? I can’t imagine people actually paying money to see this, but most youtube clips like this are just some lady in a homemade rubber spiderman suit sitting on a couch rubbing her thighs.
Someone put some serious skrill behind bringing their dream of a disconcerting parapalegic nightmare unicorn to life.

Dare 2 Dream

The world as we've known it is going to radically change for the worst in 2012, Scientists are all telling us that, it's a fact. The Star Trek styled future once imagined by previous generations will never happen. So what do we do with our remaining 2 years?
When I was home for the holiday I was at our neighbors house, after hearing that I lived in New York, our neighbors daughter, a full grown woman about 45 years old, asked if I had even been to Times Square for New Year's Eve. She told me it has always been her dream to go to Times Square for News Year Eve.
Some dreams are real hard, like becoming a character on The Hills, falling in love with Brody Jenner and then having your own spin off reality show about you and Brody and the life you are building together, or meeting Robert Pattinson, and becoming a vampire with him, and living for eternity with him in a castle. So most times these challenging dreams are never even attempted let alone realized.
But if you dream means standing outside in the middle of a freezing New York winter for hours, pressed against fellow midwestern tourists, all looking at nothing in particular, then you better get to work and REALIZE THAT DREAM! We only have 2 years left you guys, lets make the most of it.
-David

Snuggie is Cancelled

Wait a second, wasn't it just August, like, yesterday? Sorry, I know that is a total Conversation Topic for Dads. Every month, when Dads get their Official Dad Newsletter, the first article is always an update on how no one can believe where the time goes any more than they could believe it last month. Next thing you know, I'm going to explain to you how when you are your age you think you have all the time in the world but you do not have all the time in the world, and that you will understand what I am talking about better when you are my age (55). Because where did all that time go?! Do you ever wish you had a universal remote FOR YOUR LIFE? But time flies and look around, its not summer time, its winter time. And what are you gonna do with your freezing neck?!?

Obviously this product is great on its own, what with its convenient foldability-pouch and its very stylish look (leopard? Where am I, PARIS, FRANCE?) that goes with any outfit (as long as that outfit is terribly-fitting and costs less than 20 dollars). But what I think is most important about this ad is how good of a job it does at showing us just how wack scarves are. Ew, don't you guys HATE scarves? They're always being slammed in van doors, or you're just fumbling with them forever. "I wish this scarf wasn't such a effing nightmare!" Who hasn't caught themselves saying that every time they step outside in the winter? I mean you're going to tell me that technology can create photo realistic, life-like dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies but we still can't have a scarf that doesn't do everything wrong? "There's a scarf in this peanut butter, OF COURSE." Necky even sounds better than scarf. Scarf, come on. What am I? A terrorist?

Trading Faces

According to Wikipedia, which has never led me wrong, the above is a Jinmengyo Koi fish. “A Jinmengyo Koi, is known for its humanoid appearance.”
::SHUDDER::
Its not so bad that it has a human face, its the fact that it looks like the guy from the Diabeetus commercials.
-David

Ok I Get It

I wish the world was more open minded. Women wear makeup every day. Why can't men? Then guys like the gentleman pictured above could get their freak on each and every day. Anyway I'm not mad at it and I'm gonna bet his that raccoon/panda nightmare makeup face is better then whats underneath. God love him.
-David

Here Come The Robots

I am not 100% sure on this, but from what I can understand with my limited Japanese vocabulary is the following.
Robots have become self aware.
They are mad pissed about how humands have been bossing them around.
They are planning an revolution and are going to kill everyone (once they figure out how to stand up on their own).
-David

Who Squatted It Better?

-David

No Shame In [His] Game

Holy Smokes. That show Lockup is the worst, why do I watch it? Why do I do hurt myself that way? It always freaks me the eff out. They should put this guy in charge of the “Scared Straight” program cause he is in your prisons, rapin’ all your men!
-David

Get Back From Me!

-David

This Cannot Be Unwatched

Is this what watching the video from The Ring is like? Its reassuring to see this is a straight guy, and gays aren't the only people into effing wierd sick s-ht.
-David

The Cutest Controversy

A controversy is brewing on the web over alligations regarding the picture above. Presented on the web as an endangered 'Fennec Hare' from a North Korean Zoo, it turns out this is an elaborate (not very elaborate) practical joke. OK. YOU GOT ME! But a bunny/kitten would be a cute animal. That got me to thinking, what other cute animals has God forgotten to make? Let me give this a go.
1.) Turtle and wrinkle faced dog, I call this a Puptle
2.) Dashethaund and hamster, is a Wienerster
3.) Bichon and a Cockatoo is a Bichonatoo
Dag. This is harder then it seems. None of the animals are really that cute, most are more like nightmares.
via zooborns.com
-David

Forgive Them God, They Know Not What They Do To Cats

Fact: animals are graceful and way cooler then any person will ever be. But does that mean it makes sense to dress up in giant animal costumes to imitate our four legged friends? Yes, it does sorta make sense. But when dressed as a giant 400lb wolf, do it in private- don't bring you cat into your nightmare world. Your cat isn't impressed, he is probably as creeped out as everyone else is on the web. And he is probably embarrassed behind his wackadoo person. A little shame would go a long way.

-David

Not In My House, Not Around My Kids

WHAT? Now this? Gay people how are we a people ever gonna get all our civil rights with some gays going and ruining it for the rest of us, putting pictures on the web that show them humping RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR TERRIFIED MINIATURE POODLE?!?! Seriously you gross gays, this is a major setback. Thankfully its not just gays who get their gross on right in front of their pets, straights (or normals as they call themselves) have some blame to take on this one too. From what I can see, a couple of people are caught on this site doing it man woman style, with poor innocent babies watching with a mix of emotions that is equal parts fear and confusion. Animals should never see their person (or ANY person) naked. I speak from experience, once Joanna's cat caught me in 'a natural way' and she has never looked at me the same again. :*-(
heavypetting.tumblr.com via buzzfeed.com
-David

This Is How We Do It

Finally a group of people who are getting serious about being animals, and in the process putting unused sporting goods equipment to use. I applaud this effort. I understand the hats pulled over their faces is a playful attempt at animal realism but it kinda looks like some sorta abu ghraib nightmare.
via Masala Time
-David

Hot or Not

This is wierd, and I can't decide if its cute or not cute. This is a basic filtering process of my brain: cute or not cute. The long eyelasshes and big cartoon feet equals cute. Sharp beak and huge nightmare eyes equals mad scary.

-David

Oh Dats Nice

If I am ever fortunate enough to have a lawn I'm not gonna decorate it with racist little jockey statues, gnomes or pink flamingos (well not JUST those). I'm gonna also make sure I have a bunch of zombies in there to look sweet, and they will help keep the slugs off my marigold plants.
via the sweet things at Toscano home and garden via neatorama
-David