I’m surprised he can eat after getting stung by what looks like 10,000 bees.

Go Slow

I’m guessing when you woke up today you didn’t even realize that a slow loris holding onto a tiny umbrella was something that existed, and now you must have realized deep within yourself that it’s the only thing you want in this entire world. Unfortunately, the line at the Slow Loris with A Tiny Umbrella Store is around the block. Some people have been camped out all week. OPEN OPEN OPEN!

-David

Hello Soul Mate

Over time, I have definitely found that what I am attracted to has changed. The more that I come to know myself, the more that I can finally pinpoint what exactly it is that I’m looking for in a partner, you know? So, like, I used to think that I wanted someone who shared my taste in books, or who knew how to cook, or who had a welcoming family that I could get to know and become a part of. Now, most of that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me.

My other half can read whatever she wants, it doesn’t have any affect on what I’m reading. If she can’t cook, I dont give one single shit. There are plenty of people who can, they are called professional chefs and they’re all over the place.

And I’ve got a family, turns out I don’t need a second one.

At this point in my life, what I’ve finally come to understand is that the person I’ve been looking for all my life is someone who will spend upwards of five days in a tent outside of a strip-mall Best Buy in Florida waiting for a discount on a fucking TV.

Soul mates.

Bridalplasty Is Real

It has long been believed that the world would end in 2012, but new information suggests that the world might end as early as whenever the fuck this new show called Bridalplasty on E! is coming out. Holy cow.

In one of the most shocking reality TV ideas yet, E! has ordered a new series that crosses a wedding competition with extreme plastic surgery.
The network is set to announce “Bridalplasty,” where brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.

Sure, we’ve all seen brides-to-be competing in wedding themed challenges to win minor surgical procedures, but finally, a show in which brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win EXTENSIVE surgical procedures. Neat!

Wait until you hear the FULL DESCRIPTION:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her “wish list.” She’s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week’s episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”

The last bride standing will receive a “dream wedding,” where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: “she is given the procedure immediately” “walking away with NOTHING” “losing the chance to be the PERFECT BRIDE” and “his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar.”
-David

Get Back From Me

Sometimes you are just in no mood for this nonsense and you just want to watch your shows. This Cat knows what i'm talkin about.

-David

Just a Baby

Awwww. Who’s da cutest widdle mini-cannon? I want to put this mini-cannon in my pocket and carry it around with me everywhere so that I can love it and hug it and never let it go. On weekends, I would take it to the park and just let it shoot around however it wants. In the summer, we would go to civil war battlefields, and it could shoot with the big cannons. People would be like “Oh my God, that is the cutest little mini-cannon I’ve ever seen, can I aim it?” And I would be like, “I”m really sorry, but my mini-cannon isn’t friendly.” And then I would shoot them with the mini-cannon and they would be like “hahaha, ow!” Because it would hurt, but it would be sooooo cute. MINI-CANNON!

-David

Bad Breath

At first I was thinking what the heck is this wackadoo going on about. Then I saw Mike Read in them blue shorts, and now I get it.

-David

Give Me That

Oh my god my evil black heart is just exploding with love for puppies.

-David

Hold Me

Sometimes, on Valentine's Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend might be a terrible joke, like, "I wish every day could be Valentime's Day!" What people don't realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine's Day. You know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. She is thinking: "regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor representing a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, my safe space, I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth."

-David

I Want More Things

There is no inherent purpose in life. Each of us give life our own purpose. In the end, we will all die, and inexorably all of our accomplishments (reading the entire internet) will be turned to dust and we will be forgotten.
What is the point of trying to feed the hungry or house the homeless? Instead, seize upon what is important. Seek whatever material pleasures you can from life, collect whatever worldly goods you possibly can, and then just sit on them; you don't have to do anything with them because there really is no point to any of it. My recommendation is that you should be buying all the things you can.
What better place to buy things then the Sky Mall catalog? Lets look at 5 things you should buy before you die.

1.) Wine Glass Necklace. Coming to terms with your mortality in a godless world can really work your nerve. And if you happen to be an older individual, you'll find this realization extra upsetting, your time is limited. What you need, everyone needs, is a drink. Problem is, wine glasses can be hard to hold when your hands are trembling and you are crying (trust me I know), that's why it's great to have a wine glass holder necklace.

2.) Waistband Stretcher. While you wait for your Pajama Jeans to come, you'll need to have on hand a pair of pants that fit, just in case one of your cats gets a bad eye infection and you have to rush to the vet.

3.) Sexy Lingerie Shirt. I am just in love with this shirt, seriously what a hoot. Even if my cats can't read, and the last person who stepped foot inside my apartment was a hoarding counselor 12 years ago, this shirt makes ME feel good and that's whats important.

4.) Siamese Slanket. Why was the Snuggie such a hit? Doesn't anyone realize Slanket was there first? This is the same thing that happened with Britney and Christina, Backstreet and N*Sync and the movie Ants and A Bug's Life. Whats been wack is that the Slanket and Snuggie never came in plus sizes, responding to my letters of complaint the companies stated that their products were ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that's a load of bologna. If you're a full figured individual, treat yourself to one of these, don't struggle and diet to fit into mainstream society's idea of "standard" Snuggie or Slanket size.

5.) Lighted Slippers. Shuffling around a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night trying to prepare yourself a midnight snack as dozens of cats bob and weave between your ankles like football players running drills can really be a hazard. Just be careful with these though, I've noticed they do help me see where I'm going but some of the friskier cats are attracted to the light and this can be a problem.

European Designer

If you spend most of your days in your home, sometimes you can find yourself feeling hopelessly sloppy and judged by your cats. Now if you had some PAJAMA JEANS, you would probably be feeling a lot better and might be able to avoid the whole existential crisis that comes with being a bedridden morbidly obese cat hoarder. First of all there is the elastic waist, and then plus that, you have got brass rivets on the back pockets there, just like fancy European jeans (which can sell from $50 to $100 dollars).
-David

When Dreams Come True

Pretty much nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore, it's not that it's a bad show. It's just that it's on too late. If it was on more like 8pm on Saturday, and just was a half hour long, then I would be watching it. But anyway we live in the future, we don't have to WATCH TV to watch TV. We can look at it on the Internet! That's how I mostly do, and boy did it pay off for me today.
Proof that THE SECRET works: Jon Hamm dancing in jean shorts, right out of my dreams and into real life! As a modern wordsmith once said:
"I like that, I like that, twerk that back, twerk that back"
-David

It's Called Fashion

I'm sure everyone is familiar with the three wolf moon shirt. Its pretty much an icon, known as much for it's sweet mystical powers as it's glowing reviews on amazon.com. People say 'if it ain't broke don't fix it', to hell with that, as you can see i'm fixing it. No big whoop, it's fashion design, and it is so easy for me.
-David

Put It In Your Mouth

I'm feeling very confused with this one here, its gross and kind of delish. But probably more gross. There is a lot thats wrong with me
-David

Toon Time

Anyone who knows me knows I love cats, being alone, and reading the web. Reading the web for some people would be work, but you know for me, its a labour of love. Follow your passion you know? And that passion, whoops, leads me to TasteofPoisonParadise, a NSFW site where Disney characters are undressed. The weird part (lots of wierd parts to this site) is that it turns out all the toons wear briefs, boxer briefs or jockstraps.
-David

Snuggie is Cancelled

Wait a second, wasn't it just August, like, yesterday? Sorry, I know that is a total Conversation Topic for Dads. Every month, when Dads get their Official Dad Newsletter, the first article is always an update on how no one can believe where the time goes any more than they could believe it last month. Next thing you know, I'm going to explain to you how when you are your age you think you have all the time in the world but you do not have all the time in the world, and that you will understand what I am talking about better when you are my age (55). Because where did all that time go?! Do you ever wish you had a universal remote FOR YOUR LIFE? But time flies and look around, its not summer time, its winter time. And what are you gonna do with your freezing neck?!?

Obviously this product is great on its own, what with its convenient foldability-pouch and its very stylish look (leopard? Where am I, PARIS, FRANCE?) that goes with any outfit (as long as that outfit is terribly-fitting and costs less than 20 dollars). But what I think is most important about this ad is how good of a job it does at showing us just how wack scarves are. Ew, don't you guys HATE scarves? They're always being slammed in van doors, or you're just fumbling with them forever. "I wish this scarf wasn't such a effing nightmare!" Who hasn't caught themselves saying that every time they step outside in the winter? I mean you're going to tell me that technology can create photo realistic, life-like dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies but we still can't have a scarf that doesn't do everything wrong? "There's a scarf in this peanut butter, OF COURSE." Necky even sounds better than scarf. Scarf, come on. What am I? A terrorist?

Fatastic !!!!!

Is an explanation really necessary?

*Sarah

Ain't No Party Like A Mrs.Mills Party

Mrs. Mills Rules! I never even knew that there was such as thing as a Mrs.Mills! But there is. I saw this record at a Salvation Army and bought it even though I don't have a record player. I;m now gonna be a Mrs.Mills collector so keep your eye out for her hard to find album "Knees-Up Party".
-David

You've Failed Me

I just don't think its fair that I have been using The Secret for weeks now, and I still haven't gotten a diamond Garfield pendant.
via eatliver.com
-David

Hot Items

Hey all. Oh Hai Vintage has just put up a mini batch of sweet items. Perfect for Spring. You bet babies. AND we just shot a whole lot of goodies special just for you. So look out for those to be up later in the week. Who's a coming to get cha ?
We are.
Oh, you can't wait ?

Well then here are a few of the NOW items.
now?
now?
yes now.

Prairie Apron mini Dress Bam Bam mini dress Floral Freakum Dress Preppy Plus Cardigan

Fiesta plus circle Skirt Hot Cha Cha one shoulder mini dress

Boho Chrochet Vest