Bradley Cooper Talking French

“JUST KEEP TALKING I DON’T CARE WHAT IT MEANS.” -Me

Welcome Back to The Internet

It's been a while since we've seen this lady. I guess her her success with Sunny D and Run drove her into hiding. But now shes back. And she has a fan.

Dances with Old Ladies

A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into white middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain? What if that’s what you’re into, as it turns out that I am very into?”

Put a ring on it. And some fucking clothes

-David

its called light working

Okay 2012 is coming sooner then we thought, as told by your mom.

-David

Its Time For HUNKZ

No offence but these hunky faggots don’t know shit about interpretive dance. Just Sayin.

-David

Teen Time

Phew. Oh man, I cannot tell you how relieved I was to finally see that Vodafone sign and confirm this was in the UK, not the US. Sure America has our share of wackadoos, but foriegn people is worse.
Anyone know what they call Chris Hansen in Britain?

-David

Hold Me

Sometimes, on Valentine's Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend might be a terrible joke, like, "I wish every day could be Valentime's Day!" What people don't realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine's Day. You know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. She is thinking: "regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor representing a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, my safe space, I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth."

-David

Valentimes Day?

I'm still not entirely convinced that your boyfriend is even real. In some ways (in lots of ways) he seems like a terrible character played by Will Ferrel on SNL. A belly full of goat meat? Lovemaking (gross) under the redwood trees? Gimme a break! But there's also something that's almost TOO REAL about him. That's probably why you love him so much. You guys will be out one night and it'll be three in the morning and he'll just be like, "oh my God, you are such a beautiful creature I need to braid your hair ASAP" (and of course he pronounces it a-sap) or "I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything you said for the past five minutes, because I was thinking about how I want to wash your feet with my beard," and you're just like "are you for real right now? You are the worst! I want to kiss you on the mouth!" That is what you are like.
-David

Sex Offended

I remember as a kid, an adult telling me that every child had a twin who was somewhere else in the world. Another version of you, he or she might be in China or Africa, but would be your age and pretty much exactly like you. This proved adults are full of lies.
You may never find your twin, but one cool and fun way to find a person related to you at least by name, is to search your name in the Criminalcheck.com online directory. Here is what you do:
1) go to http://www.criminalcheck.com/index.html
2) in the last name (required) field, type in your FIRST name, leave other fields blank
3) click search
4) look at all those registered sex offenders
-David

When Dreams Come True

Pretty much nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore, it's not that it's a bad show. It's just that it's on too late. If it was on more like 8pm on Saturday, and just was a half hour long, then I would be watching it. But anyway we live in the future, we don't have to WATCH TV to watch TV. We can look at it on the Internet! That's how I mostly do, and boy did it pay off for me today.
Proof that THE SECRET works: Jon Hamm dancing in jean shorts, right out of my dreams and into real life! As a modern wordsmith once said:
"I like that, I like that, twerk that back, twerk that back"
-David

Put It In Your Mouth

I'm feeling very confused with this one here, its gross and kind of delish. But probably more gross. There is a lot thats wrong with me
-David

Baby Daddy, Just a Baby!

You guys it looks like Sarah's Pops has some competition for the 'WORLD'S BEST DAD!' title. How cute right? SO CUTE! I'm gonna get those cheeks. Leeme get those cheeks I'm gonna eat those cheeks. But also scary right? What are those background dancers doing? They shouldn't be doing that. I think I have to go to jail for watching that part. And what the? It gets scary when MINI DADDY starts pointing his finger and making a mean face. Is that supposed to be a gun? That part is scary. Is that racist of me to say? I have so many feelings. Does anyone out there know what he is rapping about? I'm guessing its something about childhood diabeetus?

After doing some more research and cementing my future in jail, I found that apparently this is a cultural thing I didn't understand. Lots of times husky precocious foreign boys rap with overtly sexualized pre-pubescent girls Zanger Bob

-David

Toon Time

Anyone who knows me knows I love cats, being alone, and reading the web. Reading the web for some people would be work, but you know for me, its a labour of love. Follow your passion you know? And that passion, whoops, leads me to TasteofPoisonParadise, a NSFW site where Disney characters are undressed. The weird part (lots of wierd parts to this site) is that it turns out all the toons wear briefs, boxer briefs or jockstraps.
-David

EXTREME FACE MAKEOVER: FORIEGN FACES EDITION!1!

Another year has crept by and the planet's taken one more spin around the sun. As we get older, we inevitably begin to reflect on the choices we've made in life that have brought us to this particular point. Things rarely turn out the way that we think or hope, and some of the heavy, inevitable truths of aging and the vagaries of middle-to-old age cannot be imagined or understood until they are experienced. One morning you look in the mirror and it's your father (or your mother) staring back at you. And yet, no decision or path taken can be disentangled from any other decision or path. As we learned from the philosophical treatise Sliding Doors, you are the inextricable accumulation of an infinite number of choices leading towards one compound outcome. Or, if physicist Brian Greene is to be believed, then our existence is just one of an infinite number of mirror existences in the multi-verse, each holding an opportunity or possibility or hair color (Sliding Doors!) being somehow expressed simultaneously in the far reaches of the universe.
Would our world be any different if German Chancellor Angela wore pink frosted lipstick and a Bumpit? We may never know.

Belt Sword

The best part is the tagline on the Belt Sword website. Never Feel Naked... Never!
I expect this to spawn a whole generation of extremely violent never-nudes.
via Beltswords.com
-David

I'm Gonna Hump That?

This is a clip from a documentary I saw, I think it was on the Discovery Channel. People who sexually love objects! Tupperware, fans, globes, washing machines, spaceships, EVEN THE TWIN TOWERS! Again barriers are being broken, I was under the impression only men were creppy perverts.
Yay feminism!
-David

This Cannot Be Unwatched

Is this what watching the video from The Ring is like? Its reassuring to see this is a straight guy, and gays aren't the only people into effing wierd sick s-ht.
-David

Hot Items

Hey all. Oh Hai Vintage has just put up a mini batch of sweet items. Perfect for Spring. You bet babies. AND we just shot a whole lot of goodies special just for you. So look out for those to be up later in the week. Who's a coming to get cha ?
We are.
Oh, you can't wait ?

Well then here are a few of the NOW items.
now?
now?
yes now.

Prairie Apron mini Dress Bam Bam mini dress Floral Freakum Dress Preppy Plus Cardigan

Fiesta plus circle Skirt Hot Cha Cha one shoulder mini dress

Boho Chrochet Vest

LOVING CATS!

Also nothing wrong with treating yourself to a nice bath (though some bubbles might be nice).
-David

Get In Shape For The Summer!

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I hate leaving my apartment zone, let alone my actual apartment. So when it comes to staying in shape, sometimes a lady doesn't feel like dealing with all the bros at her local gym and she would prefer to get her sweat on in a safe, private area. Is that too much to ask?
And you know people are always asking me: Joanne, How do you do it!?? How can you drink all those cokes and eat all them chips, never leave your apartment, and still be so fierce?
Well, I'll tell you what; this lady just spilled all my secrets...


Joanna