Lady Cries Over In-N-Out

Okay she's crying because shes happy? I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to an In-N-Out, the very popular west coast fast food burger chain, but I would like to tell you something about it. In-N-Out is not that great. “Yes it is, it’s the best!” – You, everyone, everyone in the world ever. No it’s not! I’m sorry to have to blow the lid off of the whole In-N-Out situation, but guys — those are just normal burgers. They taste and look normal. Also the fries are normal, if not a little worse than normal. It’s (I guess) better than other fast food burger chains, but that’s not a very difficult thing to be and let’s not get crazy. I mean, certainly I’m happy for you if it makes you very happy, like this woman in the video. That’s great. I wish anything non-alcoholic that I could buy for fewer than $5 could make me that happy. She’s going to eat so many burgers now and she won’t even have to go very far to do it and I do hope she cries every time. But I can’t stand idly by. Those burgers are normal burgers. In fact, MOST burgers are normal burgers. They taste like meat + the thing you put on them. I rest my case.

Bradley Cooper Talking French

“JUST KEEP TALKING I DON’T CARE WHAT IT MEANS.” -Me

I’m surprised he can eat after getting stung by what looks like 10,000 bees.

A Thin Crust of Hope: The Susan Guy Story

Pizza is the best. If you don’t agree with that statement then please do not read this site.

AND DON’T LET THE BLOG HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

It is so delicious! With the cheese and the toppings and the sauce and the cheese and the toppings and the pizza. Yum! Yum!

My Uncle used to say that pizza was the perfect food because it included each of the four food groups, and he’s a medical doctor! So it should come as no surprise that pizza is a life-saver. Of course it is! Admittedly, it is not a life-saver the way that, you know, medicine is a life-saver. And apparently the only way it can save your life is if you call the same pizza place every morning and order the exact same thing (large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes) in a small town where that is an easily noticeable event, and where the employees of your local pizza place are actual real employees and not would-be dancers or poets or something, too wrapped up in their hopeless DREAMS to care about you. And it should be noted that consuming a large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes every day does have some side effects, but what medical treatment plan is without side-effects?! None medical treatment plans!

THANK YOU, DR. PIZZA, FOR SAVING A WOMAN’S LIFE!

Im sure that when I am 82 I'll order and eat a large pepperoni pizza everyday. I like how she gets DIET coke. Regular Coke is just empty calories.

-David

Source: GM

Invite Me to Your Party or I Will Kill Myself

"The Mexican teen hasn't eaten for the past eight days — consuming only water — in hopes that her bizarre, pathetic stunt will force Will and Kate to invite her to their exclusive wedding celebration." —Don't let 19-year-old Estibalis Chavez, hunger-striking in front of the British Embassy, beat you to the one golden ticket that Prince William and Kate are reserving for whoever horrifies them the most. And that's why I'm going to go somewhere that British people hang out — I don't know, where do they go, the airport? That's why I'm going to go to the airport and run in front of a plane. I hope I don't die, but if I do it was for something I loved.

A New Kind of Crazy

Genus: Small humanoid. Sub-species of Vegans, also related to Hippies and Hipsters
Attacks: Excessive talking, razor-sharp nipples
Special Attacks: Crazy eyes
Special Qualities: Posting splits, random pec flexing, not knowing what’s going on
Skills: Expert smugness, Long-distance running, Fatty shaming
Feats: Mountain bench-pressing (Consult rule-book. Dungeon Master’s discretion)
Environment: Brooklyn, Denver, Portland OR, state parks
Treasure: Small fruits like dates and oranges, video recording device, jean shorts

Freakin Pissed Lady Bug Wonders "WHERE DID I LEAVE MY PURSE?!"

"Oh my goddd where did I put it, under this? Ugh, shit, no, under this?! God, why am I such a moron. OK it must be in — god DAMN it, I need to put it in the same place every time. Let this be a lesson, I guess, or whatever. OK, yes, duh, there it is, I know that's the — shit!! Where the hell is my PURSE?! I have places to BE! People to bite, shirts to crawl down. Let's DO THIS, come on, come on, come on."

Game Time

That cat plays Duck Hunt exactly like I used to, which was a close as possible to the screen.

PS: that Duck Hunt dog is the worst

-David

There She Go

Sarah is the best but everyone has their faults. I mean I would be the first to admit that Sarah has a bit of a temper. You know that, of course you know that. If she can’t have her way, if, for example,the lady at a McDonald’s drive-thru window tells her that she can’t order chicken McNuggets because it’s 6:30 in the morning and they are not serving chicken McNuggets yet, sure, she’ll get out of the car and start trying to crack some skullz. No doubt about it. But that’s just her passion coming to the surface. She is a woman filled with passion. And covered in pink jersey cotton. I love her so much.

-David

Watch It

I think Watermelons must be mad addictive or some shit. This one time Joanna's Grandma Mary Z ate a whole entire one at once, and she had to go to the hospital. Eventually the baby will be doing like the guy below, its only a matter of time.

-David

I want to experience the same bliss that sloth feels while hugging that giraffe.

-David

I've Found My Spirit Animal

Is anyone suprised that the owner of this animal feeds him graham crackers on a leopard print blanket? Because I'm not suprised.
-David

Go Go Jo

I’m not sure what attracted me to Rick first, whether it was the complete lack of self-awareness, the embodiment of a grotesque 1970s-era sexuality, or the damp slick of death that slid from his pores, but I am definitely very attracted to him, love him, have sex with him, want to marry him, share all my secrets with him, and just wish I could live inside him forever.”
– Joan Skumanich 1974-2012

Going the Hardest

I remember when I was young, white and in the suburbs. I just idolized rappers soooo much. I mean, shooting people in the head while getting your dick sucked while snorting a line while flipping off a police officer while laying down a hit vocal track in the studio. I mean, what else should I have idolized? All that stuff is so great. And turns out, I did become a rapper when I grew up, so follow your dreams, kids!

-David

Pig Break

Lets take a quick afternoon break at Pigs Peace Sanctuary.
OK. Back to work!
-David

Pizza Party

I like the part when the black girl puts fried chicken on your pizza. Racist-ass garbage pizza.

-David

Secret Lover

Remember that guy you met at Teddy's two summers ago? The one you went out with for about three weeks, but never wanted to introduce him to any of your friends? Yeah he was kinda gross, but the boning was real hot.

Here's my top five celeb secret lover wishlist:

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

It's no secret that Zach is my number one celebrity crush. Besides being talented, he's the perfect cuddling size and fuzzy like a little animal. Zach! if you're reading this, CALL ME!! XOXO

Let's make this happen.

DANNY McBRIDE

Maybe I should move to NC, cause it seems like that state is droppin hotties like crazah.

NICK OFFERMAN

This one guy from Parks and Recreations. Oh the things I would do with that stache.

ALEC BALDWINWhat is it with him? The fatter Alec gets, the sexier he is, or maybe he just developed a personality by the pound. I'll take the fatty Alec any day! Also, I like the way he rocks back and forth on the edge of his chair, trying to gain momentum, it reminds me of my grandma.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

I didn't want you guys to think that I only go for fat hairy bears, I like the skinny weird ones too. JB's the kinda of guy you're really into until he lets his fetish get out of control. Plus, we would have weird looking babies.

-Joanna

Friskie Fantasy

Whoa, they must have seriously changed the recipie on cat food. The last time I tried that stuff, it was nothing like this.

-David

A Valentine's Day treat for you

There is no greater gift you can give than to instill a sense of self worth, pride and value into the hearts of the selfish ass people you care about.
So in honor of valentines day I'm going to leave my webcam on for the entire evening. Watch it with your most recent partner. Laugh whole heartedly at my expense.. Then have some boring passionless sex with that person. Celebrate how convenient, non threatening and accommodating that person is..and how well their desperate heart compliments your self serving lifestyle.
Because really if there is anyone who deserves to reap the benefits of cowardice and mediocrity.. It's YOU.



Happy Valentines Day !
Love, Sarah

P.S text me

Cute is 0 Calories

The hardest friggin part about a diet is what the eff are you supposed to eat when you are relaxing?! I understand, a shake for breakfast a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner- but what about in between? What are you supposed to do then? Put down your Combos and Bugles, get you some grapes or some fruit. I think those little mothers are 0 Weight Watcher's Points. Eat and many of them shits as you want! And I think wine is also allowed since it is pretty much just grapes. Eat all the wine and grapes you want. Also remember to treat yourself to a nerve pill now and then, also 0 Points.

-David