Bad Choices

“The real problem with tattoos is that they’re not permanent ENOUGH. Sure, I will have this on my body for the rest of my life, and obviously that’s great news, but what about after I die? What if I get to heaven and I’m trapped in some stupid, unblemished, perfect form of my body, without any awesome, clever tattoos that are just so funny and so clever and just such a smart thing to put on my body forever and representative of the best decision I ever made, definitely? Or even worse: what if I just become pure energy? Because, if heaven really is this awesome place where all you do is ride roller coasters with your dead pets and eat ice cream with Michael Jackson, then surely there must be some kind of tattoo parlor up there, right? I mean, if heaven is where you get to enjoy all your favorite things, and since my favorite thing is coming up with awesome tattoo ideas and then making those tattoo ideas a reality to the point where my friends are like “You are so good at coming with great tattoos and if we were you we would just quit our jobs and stay at home all day looking at our awesome tattoo and feeling good about our priorities in life and our decision making skills,” then surely there’s a tattoo parlor made out of clouds where you can get tattoos in eternal ink. That will be awesome. But if we’re just pure energy at one with the Universe and I can’t have this Britney Spears tattoo, which is just the best thing, a FACT on which we all agree, I’m sure, then I’m going to super bummed FOREVER.”

-David

There She Go

She’s a new mom from Cambridge, MA, who teaches pottery and loves hiking.

-David

Go Go Jo

I’m not sure what attracted me to Rick first, whether it was the complete lack of self-awareness, the embodiment of a grotesque 1970s-era sexuality, or the damp slick of death that slid from his pores, but I am definitely very attracted to him, love him, have sex with him, want to marry him, share all my secrets with him, and just wish I could live inside him forever.”
– Joan Skumanich 1974-2012

Mom Curves Ahead

Finally you too, can have a Mom shaped body.

-David

Never Forget Kate Gosselin

The world gets what its wants. Its the law of attraction and its proven science. Due to the demand of the public, the new Twilight moving will come out in June, scientists have invented jeans you can sleep in, and Kate Gosselin is around because people want her to be. People want to know things about her. People want so badly to know more about her that she had to write a book called I Just Want You to Know. People will for sure buy that book, and pay for it using money that they earned at their jobs. What a world.
-David

Get Back From Me Again!

A married couple attached by a 15 foot string for 24 hours. This sounds like a terrible idea. I can pretty much guarantee you that within 10 minutes I would either strangle myself with that string or chew through it in a panicked rage.
via slate.com
-David

Bottoms Up

Crazy pants are the right of every golfer, in the same way that Halloween means girls can dress like sluts or Christmas means people can get in the holiday spirit wearing a Santa hat from the 99 cent store. But not everyone wants to wear those pants. I used to golf in highschool but never got into crazy pants. I think maybe to wear wack stuff like those pants, you have to be super rich, and we just didn't have enough money. If you have enough money, you can convince yourself anything looks sweet. That's how Lily Pulitzer makes so much skrill selling her hideous printed dresses to peeps in the Hamptons.
via loudmouthgolf.com
-David

Good Manners

God having to eat meals with your husband sucks. It would be so much more enjoyable if i could eat my spaghetti next to a steaming stink pile of the most expensive gourmet cat food on the market. But for realz i give mad props to this lady. I have been trying to get the Duder to drink out of a crazy straw for months. I thought it would be a good gesture since we are going to the Republic of Mental Disease for our vacation this year. That place is the worst

And Oh Pleez ! Come on now Tessa who doesn't want to meet David Duchovny a.k.a David Duval ak.a Oprah ? Other then maybe the camera man who filmed this segment. Who has time to daydream about movie stars when you have the best job ever !


*sarah