Terrible Teens

Cool. Great tips. Hey, here’s a completely unrelated question: do you guys ever think about just, you know, like, giving up completely? As if perhaps all of the hard work of trying to conceptualize of a world in which life is actually worth living and there is beauty and decency to be found in this existence of pain and misery is all for nothing and maybe we should just lie down in the road and let the abyss wash over us? These tips sound great! I was just thinking about that other stuff for no reason really hahahhah never mind. Can’t wait to try these tips!

-David

We Are The Turkey

It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)

Happy Holidays to your family, or some shit

Uh can we all just agree that families are weird? It’s 2011. Can we just finally for once and for all recognize that there are both good and bad things about families, and that it is definitely weird that you have this lifelong bond to people some of whom you might not even like that much, and that there is all this intense stuff about families and your sense of obligations towards families and your sometimes inability to escape the long dark shadow cast by your family, and all of that, but also that some things are pretty great about families and but also that in the end the one thing that is for sure is that we all have families and we all have to figure out how to manage that while also leading our own lives as best we can? It seems like every single year we are rediscovering how weird it is to be in a family, as if we didn’t have families last year, or weren’t paying attention. And here’s another thing about families: everyone’s got to do the work, OK?! Stop complaining.

“I can’t stand my family.” Shut up. Deal with it. No matter what, they definitely MADE YOU, so give them credit for that and then work out the rest. It’s exhausting! We all have headaches already without having to listen to your headache. And you know what, when you start to actually talk about it, your mom sounds fun and nice and like she really loves you, SO CAN IT.

To reiterate: we all have families, all families are weird, but most of them are also kind of great so let’s just do the work of being alive in a world of inter-dependent human beings and try our best all things considered to enjoy what we have as often as possible but this week especially. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

liar liar

Not trying to get up in anyone’s business, but if you are dealing with a situation where you want to disguise your caller ID, disguise your voice, and know whether or not the other person is lying or not, you might be dealing with a situation for which your cellphone is no longer that useful. What kind of person would want this?

“You know what, I’m just going to buy this weird card, disguise my caller ID, make myself sound like the dude in Screamy Movie 4, activate the patented lie detector software, and record my call. That ought to solve everything, in this perfectly routine situation that we all find ourselves in.

And It Breaks My Heart

When will they learn!

Number of Times Someone Being Made Fun of on the Internet Has Turned to That Very Same Internet with an Emotional Appeal to Stop Being Made Fun Of: 134,695,449

Number of Times This Strategy Has Proven Successful: 0

Number of Times the Internet Has Used These Emotional Appeals to Make Even Harder Fun of Initial Target: 134,695,449

The numbers don’t lie, guys. Be smart. Throw your computers in the garbage can!

David

(Via TheHighDefinite.)

Gay Games

Well here he is for better or worse (mostly worse.) Sarah's boyfriend she met gaming online.

Sure, sometimes she wishes her boyfriend wouldn’t spend so much time–all of his waking life–playing videogames on-line with his friends, but he’s just a very passionate person, and that is what she loves about him. Besides, his gaming headset kind of looks cute on him. Not as cute as, say, not wearing an gaming headset, but if he’s going to wear a gaming headset, he could look worse. Anyway, Sarah is sure that one day he will turn all the focus and attention and passion and excitement and emotional investment he has for videogames to his relationship with her, and when that day comes, it is just going to be so wonderful. She loves him so much. She can hardly wait.

-David

Meet This Dad

There should be a word for men of a certain age who have decent bodies but not great bodies, who love to take off their shirts at weirdly inappropriate times. Like, if you saw this guy at the beach, you’d probably be like, “For an older gentleman he keeps himself in pretty good shape.” But in this video it’s like, “What are you doing? Where are you getting this confidence from, Mr. Paunch?

-David

Mom Curves Ahead

Finally you too, can have a Mom shaped body.

-David

Pig Break

Lets take a quick afternoon break at Pigs Peace Sanctuary.
OK. Back to work!
-David

Back in Black (or khaki)

It was little more than a month ago when Daniel Songer, poet, comedian, dancer, entertainer (in that order), famously announced his retirement in Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg. But today, ladies and germs, Daniel Songer has returned! He obviously learned what all true performers eventually come face-to-face with: once you get that TASTE, it is hard to give it up. In the past few days, Songer has uploaded a ton of new crazy backyard deck videos featuring his signature brand of pre-medicated “humor” (and sometimes, like, these weird pelvic thrust things accompanied by the chanting of some puerile phrase?). Admittedly, he seems to have gotten way more racist and homophobic since the last time we enjoyed his comedy, with rants about “the roaches” (Mexicans), and a video called “Talk Fag, Don’t Do Fag.” But, you know, that is just the EVOLUTION of an ARTIST.

-David

Da Poo Poo REMIX

Well what was The Internet supposed to do? Not make a remix out of everything?

-David

Da Poo Poo

For a pastor, he is surprisingly timid when licking that pantomimed asshole.

-David

This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

I think we can all remember where we were when we first discovered the comedic stylings of Daniel Songer. (Because we were all here.) Now, four long, memorable months later, Daniel Songer is hanging up his trademark khaki shorts, and turning the porch bug zapper off for the last time. Yes, this week on Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg, comedian, entertainer, dancer, and poet Daniel Songer announces that he is retiring from comedy. Oh no! Well, it was an epic career. And there is no shame in wanting to go out on top, as a living legend. Which is exactly what Daniel Songer does in this video, which includes both a heartfelt thank you to his fans, and some of the classic Daniel Songer comedy bits that remind us all why he has those fans in the first place.

-David

Bad Breath

At first I was thinking what the heck is this wackadoo going on about. Then I saw Mike Read in them blue shorts, and now I get it.

-David

Hold Me

Sometimes, on Valentine's Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend might be a terrible joke, like, "I wish every day could be Valentime's Day!" What people don't realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine's Day. You know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. She is thinking: "regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor representing a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, my safe space, I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth."

-David

Countdown

Valentime's Day is coming, now its just a few days away. So what, who cares. Sure, once a year a holiday celebrating the special bond couples share can stir up passing feelings of loneliness, and it might remind you of the growing likelihood that you will die alone. But so what! The worst is those people who are so adamant about hating Valentine's Day.
Relax people. Its nothing to dread, its something to look forward to. On February 15th, all the candy will be on sale. I buy lots and plan to give it out for Christmas and birthday gifts, but darn it if I don't always eat it all myself.
-David

Never Forget Kate Gosselin

The world gets what its wants. Its the law of attraction and its proven science. Due to the demand of the public, the new Twilight moving will come out in June, scientists have invented jeans you can sleep in, and Kate Gosselin is around because people want her to be. People want to know things about her. People want so badly to know more about her that she had to write a book called I Just Want You to Know. People will for sure buy that book, and pay for it using money that they earned at their jobs. What a world.
-David

Back To The Cats

The world is nothing: a pointless accident, a mechanical chaos of casual brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. Each one of us exist singularly, absolutely alone. All the rest, what you see around you, is merely what pushes you, or what you push against, blindly- as blindly as all that is not you, pushes back. You create the universe blink by blink. An ugly god pitifully dying in an empty space. So, lets go back to the basics: Cat Videos. Here we have a lovely tortoiseshell meowing and being groomed. I am not sure if she is pissed or happy, but I am sure she is cute and is just a baby.

-David

Sarah's Movie Squawk Box Poop Shoot

Alright. alright I'm already over it.
Charlyne Yi. Get out of here. Get girl. Underrepresented and unloved my patootie. I don't feel bad for you. Not in the least. I can do the same as you accept wearing glasses, pants and no make up is not comfortable for my large and freakishly shaped body.
Isn't life just soooooo easy for you nerdy asian girls with bad vision?
Oh and who was the genius who decided to put Weezer in the Paper Hearts soundtrack ? That's truly Groundbreaking says the grumpy Troll. Yep it's all very sweet. bla bla bla. I think i'll acquire my cavities the old fashioned way by drinking lots and lots of soda. thank you very much.

Yeah ok well maybe i am going to go see the fictional documentary. Maybe by myself.
Hey me being a dateless wonder has nothing to do with being a cranky b. I'm sure It's because i'm tall and just Caucasian. To the nice guys in this town that's the equivalent to having the mouth herpes or something. : 9
It would be different if i was a man. I'd have it made. The world would be my opium den. I'd have ethnic bitches all up on my ish.




*Sarah

UNICORN MEMAW

I recently celebrated my surrogate Memaw's 90th bday, and it occurred to me that I have never google image searched 'Memaw." Are you joking me? How is that possible? Well, I got down on it last night and after like the 25th page, I came across this Memaw that grew a mad long horn on her head. The craziest part is that this 69 year old Memaw noticed it growing 20 years ago! I guess at some point we all just have to accept our flaws and say to hell with it all.