Mom Alert

Awww. Your mom seems nice, and obviously you love her.

But she also doesn’t understand ANYTHING.

AND she didn’t read the “STAY OUT, NO MOMS ALLOWED” sign that we put on the door to our Internet. God, your mooooooooom. It’s embarrasssssssssssing.

Alternative Lifestyles

In this new feature of the blog, ill be grabbing a photo of a celebrity, and imaging if their life had taken a different path.


She's 41 year old lesbian who teaches P.E. at an area public school, coaches the girls basketball team and is an active dater on eharmony.com

Dances with Old Ladies

A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into white middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain? What if that’s what you’re into, as it turns out that I am very into?”

Put a ring on it. And some fucking clothes

-David

The Audience Reaction to Oprah's "Favorite Things" is my favorite thing

At this point, it’s kind of a worn-out to say that you wish that you cared half as much about something in your life as someone in a YouTube video who cares way too much. For one thing, it’s a lie. It aims to paint whoever says it as a miserable husk of a human being while the truth of the matter is that miserable husks of human beings don’t TALK ABOUT IT VERY MUCH.

They mostly sit silently on a cat-hair-covered easy chair that smells like mold and drink alcohol from a novelty glass from Bubba Gump's restaurant in Times Square.

But it is true that there is something ineffable and jealous-making about people expressing PURE unbridled joy. We are all so clever and cool headed, we know that showing emotion is for NERDS. Cool kids are like “I would smile but then the cigarette that is dangling in the corner of my mouth would fall into the coffee that I take black.” But it’s not so much that I’m jealous of the people in this video (an amazing five-minute montage of all the audience reactions at Oprah’s two part 2010 “Favorite Things” episode) for having the ability to access an enthusiasm that I haven’t experienced in years or maybe ever.

I’m jealous of the people in this video FOR GETTING TO GO TO OPRAH’S “FAVORITE THINGS” EPISODE. Are you kidding? That shit is bananas. MY HEAD WOULD FUCKING FALL OFF IF ONLY.

David

We should all be so lucky to find something in the world that makes us happy.
-David

This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

I think we can all remember where we were when we first discovered the comedic stylings of Daniel Songer. (Because we were all here.) Now, four long, memorable months later, Daniel Songer is hanging up his trademark khaki shorts, and turning the porch bug zapper off for the last time. Yes, this week on Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg, comedian, entertainer, dancer, and poet Daniel Songer announces that he is retiring from comedy. Oh no! Well, it was an epic career. And there is no shame in wanting to go out on top, as a living legend. Which is exactly what Daniel Songer does in this video, which includes both a heartfelt thank you to his fans, and some of the classic Daniel Songer comedy bits that remind us all why he has those fans in the first place.

-David

Give Me That

Oh my god my evil black heart is just exploding with love for puppies.

-David

There Are No Words

You need to understand that our comedian here is what you call a physical comedian. He expresses himself with his physicality in the tradition of Chris Farley and Jim Carey. His body is his instrument, as integral to his act as the hilarious and relateable stories he tells. It is only natural that he, as any artist, would work to push his art further, and test his (and our boundaries. Sometimes that can mean nudity, so get ready for it.
Very interesting stuff is going on here, and I don't understand it. When I said I would watch all the parts of his comedy act (so far 63) I didn't realize it would be so emotionally exhausting.
-David

Pollock and Pollock

I don't like to make a big thing of it or nothing but I was raised without a lot of the luxuries you guys probably took for granted. We didn't even have cable TV in our house 'til I was in probably 3rd grade.
But I survived, I watched a lot of Golden Girls and Canadian Public Access TV. Canadian Public Access was actually really pretty sweet, most of the people talked normal without those weird accents, and there was a considerable amount of shirtless dancing men (which even at age 6, I wasn't mad at okay how you doin).
This Pollock and Pollock show was really excellent, check out their Late Night Lemonade segment pretty kewl right? And wow Liberace. Its pretty incredible that they were actually able to get him on there. Of course his body is hideously wasted away from AIDS, but how brave of him to perform without a shirt. Make you think ya know.
-David

Valentimes Day?

I'm still not entirely convinced that your boyfriend is even real. In some ways (in lots of ways) he seems like a terrible character played by Will Ferrel on SNL. A belly full of goat meat? Lovemaking (gross) under the redwood trees? Gimme a break! But there's also something that's almost TOO REAL about him. That's probably why you love him so much. You guys will be out one night and it'll be three in the morning and he'll just be like, "oh my God, you are such a beautiful creature I need to braid your hair ASAP" (and of course he pronounces it a-sap) or "I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything you said for the past five minutes, because I was thinking about how I want to wash your feet with my beard," and you're just like "are you for real right now? You are the worst! I want to kiss you on the mouth!" That is what you are like.
-David

"Hi Guys"- that one Comedian

Where has the time gone? Look at this I turn around not even 2 weeks later and he is already doing part 52 of his comedy series? I have no problem with that. I will watch all the parts. As he humps the air and goes on about the experience of buying lube, I stop hearing what he is saying and slip into a trance, like Raven from TV's That's So Raven.
Also, I should say LOL.
His nipples are rock hard the whole entire time.
-David

When Dreams Come True

Pretty much nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore, it's not that it's a bad show. It's just that it's on too late. If it was on more like 8pm on Saturday, and just was a half hour long, then I would be watching it. But anyway we live in the future, we don't have to WATCH TV to watch TV. We can look at it on the Internet! That's how I mostly do, and boy did it pay off for me today.
Proof that THE SECRET works: Jon Hamm dancing in jean shorts, right out of my dreams and into real life! As a modern wordsmith once said:
"I like that, I like that, twerk that back, twerk that back"
-David

Sex Can Wait

I want to speak directly to the young women out there who aren't afraid to find their own voices and make a difference in this world, where you at my peeps? Yo, you dogs, let me lay down some wisdom for you. Being a virgin is no big whoop. FACT: we are ALL born virgins and plenty of people remain virgins their whole entire lives, so what, who cares, nobody! Being a virgin can even be an asset. Yes its true, put your razr scooter down, take off your walkman headphones and let me tell you about Sarah Jane Newberry. Pictured above right she is a kewl lady from England who has never had sex ever, never in her whole life, even counting anal. Its not like she hasn't had the option, she had boyfriends (check the ex-boyfriend section of the site). But she's chosen not to let anybody put it in her and for her it's worked out well. Look she has a website of her own and everything!
-David

Please Trust Me, You Guys

This is a long video you guys, but you'll need to watch all of it. Theres something to be learned here. Life isn't getting any easier, things are only getting worse, then, in 2012, it's gonna all be over. If the recent events in Haiti have taught us anything, it is that we should all be a lot more grateful for what we have. The line between comfort and civilization and anarchy and death is razor thin, and it would not take much for life as we know it to be altered terribly and irreparably. We live forever on the brink of an awful nightmare, there is no other way to live. But while we're here, while we are comfortable on our decks and we are wearing our shorts, let's take advantage of it! Like this guy is doing! We should all be so lucky as to carve out a little tiny patch of happiness from the miserable rubble of the world we live in. Even if the only way to carve that patch is by standing out on our deck in khaki shorts and giving a manic, incomprehensible, six minute rant and calling it comedy. On a side note, Lynn what will it take to get this guy a set at The Comedy Store? Seriously let's make that happen.

EXTREME FACE MAKEOVER: FORIEGN FACES EDITION!1!

Another year has crept by and the planet's taken one more spin around the sun. As we get older, we inevitably begin to reflect on the choices we've made in life that have brought us to this particular point. Things rarely turn out the way that we think or hope, and some of the heavy, inevitable truths of aging and the vagaries of middle-to-old age cannot be imagined or understood until they are experienced. One morning you look in the mirror and it's your father (or your mother) staring back at you. And yet, no decision or path taken can be disentangled from any other decision or path. As we learned from the philosophical treatise Sliding Doors, you are the inextricable accumulation of an infinite number of choices leading towards one compound outcome. Or, if physicist Brian Greene is to be believed, then our existence is just one of an infinite number of mirror existences in the multi-verse, each holding an opportunity or possibility or hair color (Sliding Doors!) being somehow expressed simultaneously in the far reaches of the universe.
Would our world be any different if German Chancellor Angela wore pink frosted lipstick and a Bumpit? We may never know.

Makeovers Reloaded!

Its time for The Hills' makeovers again. Due to the overwhelming response (only 2 goddamn comments? Come on you guys, seriously) Janet Reno was chosen as the makeover lady this time around. I think she looks lovely before and after! I think i'll stick with a politics there. So whos next?
1) Former Vice Presidentail Candidate, Geraldine Ferraro
2) German Chancellor, Angela Merkel
3) The late fromer Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto
-David

Ok I Get It

I wish the world was more open minded. Women wear makeup every day. Why can't men? Then guys like the gentleman pictured above could get their freak on each and every day. Anyway I'm not mad at it and I'm gonna bet his that raccoon/panda nightmare makeup face is better then whats underneath. God love him.
-David

GET OFF! No seriously get off that horse, you're crushing it.

OMFG! We have covered all kinds of sick porn things, but the grossest of all is when animals are getting hurt. Have you ever seen a horse more sickly than this? Where is his mane? And is that a bunch of flies in his face? These stupid ladies are crushing him. Not OK. I am ready to beat their butts. I wanna crawl in the web and personally give each of these women the John Cena STFU. I am writing an angry internet letter to ridevideos@aol.com about this for sure. :-(
via nudehorsebackriding.com
-David

Makeover!

Anyone out there in the internet watch Mtv's The Hills? If you have, you've maybe noticed the mad dramatic changes undergone by one of the show's leading ladies, Heidi Montage. So in this new series of memes I will be making over high profile ladies of the world, in the style of OUR favorite lady of The Hills.
Help me decide who is next in line for a makeover OK?
A) Janet Reno
B) Bea Aurthur (rest her soul putt putt)
C) Judith Light
please vote in the comments
-David

T.G.I.F.

-David