Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.

Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.

You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Bridalplasty Is Real

It has long been believed that the world would end in 2012, but new information suggests that the world might end as early as whenever the fuck this new show called Bridalplasty on E! is coming out. Holy cow.

In one of the most shocking reality TV ideas yet, E! has ordered a new series that crosses a wedding competition with extreme plastic surgery.
The network is set to announce “Bridalplasty,” where brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.

Sure, we’ve all seen brides-to-be competing in wedding themed challenges to win minor surgical procedures, but finally, a show in which brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win EXTENSIVE surgical procedures. Neat!

Wait until you hear the FULL DESCRIPTION:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her “wish list.” She’s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week’s episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”

The last bride standing will receive a “dream wedding,” where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: “she is given the procedure immediately” “walking away with NOTHING” “losing the chance to be the PERFECT BRIDE” and “his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar.”
-David

Get Back From Me

Sometimes you are just in no mood for this nonsense and you just want to watch your shows. This Cat knows what i'm talkin about.

-David

Fashion Styles

Old fashioned time was surely the golden era in clothing commercials. I want to wear those pants when I travel through a mirror to a parallel dimension of pure light and sound.

-David

Pollock and Pollock

I don't like to make a big thing of it or nothing but I was raised without a lot of the luxuries you guys probably took for granted. We didn't even have cable TV in our house 'til I was in probably 3rd grade.
But I survived, I watched a lot of Golden Girls and Canadian Public Access TV. Canadian Public Access was actually really pretty sweet, most of the people talked normal without those weird accents, and there was a considerable amount of shirtless dancing men (which even at age 6, I wasn't mad at okay how you doin).
This Pollock and Pollock show was really excellent, check out their Late Night Lemonade segment pretty kewl right? And wow Liberace. Its pretty incredible that they were actually able to get him on there. Of course his body is hideously wasted away from AIDS, but how brave of him to perform without a shirt. Make you think ya know.
-David

Catch a Predator on The Web

Never Forget Kate Gosselin

The world gets what its wants. Its the law of attraction and its proven science. Due to the demand of the public, the new Twilight moving will come out in June, scientists have invented jeans you can sleep in, and Kate Gosselin is around because people want her to be. People want to know things about her. People want so badly to know more about her that she had to write a book called I Just Want You to Know. People will for sure buy that book, and pay for it using money that they earned at their jobs. What a world.
-David

When Dreams Come True

Pretty much nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore, it's not that it's a bad show. It's just that it's on too late. If it was on more like 8pm on Saturday, and just was a half hour long, then I would be watching it. But anyway we live in the future, we don't have to WATCH TV to watch TV. We can look at it on the Internet! That's how I mostly do, and boy did it pay off for me today.
Proof that THE SECRET works: Jon Hamm dancing in jean shorts, right out of my dreams and into real life! As a modern wordsmith once said:
"I like that, I like that, twerk that back, twerk that back"
-David

Leave Joy Alone!

I never gave a crap about all that stuff with Conan and Jay Leno. What does any of it have to do with me? So what? Who cares?!

Now there is a new feud thats grabbing America's attention, and involved is day time diva Joy Behar and champion hot dog eater (her secret is dunking them in water) Kirstie Alley. I don't know exactily how this feud started, and I can't be bothered to look into it, I'm not a journalist, this is a blog. What I do know is Kirstie Alley has lost her mind and is writing crazy tweets!

"CHEATING is between a husband and wife. Not TMZ and Joy Bewhore...God, I want to bash her in the vagina with her microphone."- Kirstie Alley

I've watched enough Jenny Jones to know cheating is between more then a husband and a wife, there is usually a mistress or misteress it can be two women, two men, and nobody has to be married for one of the people to cheat. It will still count. Kirstie Alley if you read this webblog let me tell you what, maybe your blood sugar is low, I know what that is like, but lady you need to get audited because you are mad full of thetans saying all those kinda curses and you are making no sense.

-David

Snuggie is Cancelled

Wait a second, wasn't it just August, like, yesterday? Sorry, I know that is a total Conversation Topic for Dads. Every month, when Dads get their Official Dad Newsletter, the first article is always an update on how no one can believe where the time goes any more than they could believe it last month. Next thing you know, I'm going to explain to you how when you are your age you think you have all the time in the world but you do not have all the time in the world, and that you will understand what I am talking about better when you are my age (55). Because where did all that time go?! Do you ever wish you had a universal remote FOR YOUR LIFE? But time flies and look around, its not summer time, its winter time. And what are you gonna do with your freezing neck?!?

Obviously this product is great on its own, what with its convenient foldability-pouch and its very stylish look (leopard? Where am I, PARIS, FRANCE?) that goes with any outfit (as long as that outfit is terribly-fitting and costs less than 20 dollars). But what I think is most important about this ad is how good of a job it does at showing us just how wack scarves are. Ew, don't you guys HATE scarves? They're always being slammed in van doors, or you're just fumbling with them forever. "I wish this scarf wasn't such a effing nightmare!" Who hasn't caught themselves saying that every time they step outside in the winter? I mean you're going to tell me that technology can create photo realistic, life-like dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies but we still can't have a scarf that doesn't do everything wrong? "There's a scarf in this peanut butter, OF COURSE." Necky even sounds better than scarf. Scarf, come on. What am I? A terrorist?

Makeovers Reloaded!

Its time for The Hills' makeovers again. Due to the overwhelming response (only 2 goddamn comments? Come on you guys, seriously) Janet Reno was chosen as the makeover lady this time around. I think she looks lovely before and after! I think i'll stick with a politics there. So whos next?
1) Former Vice Presidentail Candidate, Geraldine Ferraro
2) German Chancellor, Angela Merkel
3) The late fromer Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto
-David

Trap Door

Was just casually youtubing the term "trap Door" Why ? Why not right ?
And then I discovered this lovely claymation series called The Trap Door.
Surfing the web is like being an adventurer of the sedentary kind.


*sarah

Justice, Star Style

I don't care what people say, Star Jones rules.
via NYPOST
-David

We Love Halloween!

Since I have been 'working from home' I have had a chance to catch up on my Maury. Whats going on here? All it is paternity tests! I remember the glory days of Maury, the holy trinity of Sylvia Brown, Man or Woman?!?! and Maury Help! I'm Housebound and Morbidly Obese episodes.
I have been all up on YouTube trying to show you guys what I mean. Let me explain Maury’s “MAN OR WOMAN?!?!” episodes! Those are the ones where Maury brings out a bunch of male-to-female transsexuals and a bunch of slightly masculine biological women, and the audience would shout things like, “DAS A MAN!!! LOOK AT DAT!!! DAS A MAAAAAN!!! And wave their arms wildly to point out evidence to the Maury Sexuality court such as: LOOK AT DAT ADAM’S APPLE!!!!! MAAAAAN! CHICK WITH A DIIIIIIICK! DAS A MAAAAN!”
Unfortunately this is the best quality "MAN OR WOMAN?!?!" episode I could find. This one aired on Halloween, because gender identity is scary
-David

Jenny Jones

Look what I've been missing on the web: the Jenny Jones Blog. For those that don't know, Jenny Jones hosted a talk show in the 90s. Her real claim to fame was a 'Secret Crushes' episode where a guy found out another guy had a crush on him. This guy was suprised, he was straight and so pissed about the whole thing that he killed that other guy who had a crush on him. That pretty much put an end to the Jenny Jones show. But Jenny is still alive, and shes spilling all her personal beans on her blog, bless her soul. I hope she finds a way to make peace with her mother.

via Jennyjones.com

-David

Bottoms Up

Thanks Getty Image Captions, for the truest (is that a word) caption ever.
-David

Makeover!

Anyone out there in the internet watch Mtv's The Hills? If you have, you've maybe noticed the mad dramatic changes undergone by one of the show's leading ladies, Heidi Montage. So in this new series of memes I will be making over high profile ladies of the world, in the style of OUR favorite lady of The Hills.
Help me decide who is next in line for a makeover OK?
A) Janet Reno
B) Bea Aurthur (rest her soul putt putt)
C) Judith Light
please vote in the comments
-David

greetings from Melmac

Dear Secretary, yes please cancel all plans for this weekend, due to the fact of that I discovered the entire series of Alf is on the web.
K thanks Bai
-David

Attention America

-David

Double Identity

-David