Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.

Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.

You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Mad Man

Get a load of this guy! Watch as a man gets pissed when he misses an elevator, so he rams his motorized scooter into the elevator doors, ultimately breaking the panels and, sadly, plummeting to his eventual death.

via [The Daily What]

-David

RELAX, Ginger Kid is Alive

I know that a lot of you have been WORRIED, because you simply ASSUMED that Ginger Kid was DEAD. Well, he’s not dead. If he was dead then he wouldn’t be making this video. Because you’re not allowed to yell so much in heaven. Anyway, welcome back to the Land of the Living, Ginger. It is nice to see that you have gotten your forum back for expressing your feelings. All of those feelings that you have. Ginger Kid’s feelings really run the gamut. So many different feelings to express. These videos are just a roller-coaster of human emotion, for sure.

-David

The End is Nigh

CopperCab's prophecy has come true.

-David

Careful Humping

Hey listen kids, I'm not like other moms, i'm a cool mom okay? If you guys are gonna drink, I want you to do it here, in the house. And if you're gonna hump dogs, use protection okay.

-David

Sex Offended

I remember as a kid, an adult telling me that every child had a twin who was somewhere else in the world. Another version of you, he or she might be in China or Africa, but would be your age and pretty much exactly like you. This proved adults are full of lies.
You may never find your twin, but one cool and fun way to find a person related to you at least by name, is to search your name in the Criminalcheck.com online directory. Here is what you do:
1) go to http://www.criminalcheck.com/index.html
2) in the last name (required) field, type in your FIRST name, leave other fields blank
3) click search
4) look at all those registered sex offenders
-David

GAYMERS

Well David, I guess it's over. You're too busy being an ultimate gaymer and don't care about the blog no more. You know what? Yar Fired! Just joking, but seriously the web misses your sensual touch.

Love,
Corporate

I found my picture on google image search again. Who is posting this? I don't want to make a big deal about it but, please don’t blog my photo around the internet. I prefer my privacy thanks very much. Yes, I do most of my blogging while naked in the internet mainframe wearing a wolf/lion on my head, and yes while blogging I do become PURE ENERGY floating above a pixilated exotic landscape - I don’t see how that’s anyone’s business.
-David

McDonald's Job UNfair

The sassy sister of Chris Tucker's character in The Fifth Element relates a tale of mothaeffing horror behind a McDonald's job application. At almost 8 minutes, this is a long video. But watch it all, there are some definite quality moments in here so stick with it and we'll all emerge better people.
PS- if you are ready for a real treat then replay this video on mute and in another window play East 1999 by Bone Thugs at the same time, you'll get your mind blown.
-David

Whatcha Gonna Do Wif All Those Humps?

Anyone who has grown up with a dog has inevitably found himself on the wrong end of a dog humping (is there a right end of dog humping, probably not). As a kid I remember our neighbor's dog, Karat a female Golden Retriever with a lazy eye, was always humping the heck out of everything. She had a special stuffed animal frog that she must have made love to no less than one million times. She also caught me a few times, she was suprisingly strong but the key is to fight back and get off the goddamn ground. Whats this lady above doing? Just chillin there as the dog goes crazy all over her backside. I think this Golden Retriever in the video above helps prove once and for all that Goldens are some of the worst mega humpers ever. Even Comet from Full House was known to do this.
-David

"No Chicken, Or Are They Just Out of Chicken?" Right.

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Not In My House, Not Around My Kids

WHAT? Now this? Gay people how are we a people ever gonna get all our civil rights with some gays going and ruining it for the rest of us, putting pictures on the web that show them humping RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR TERRIFIED MINIATURE POODLE?!?! Seriously you gross gays, this is a major setback. Thankfully its not just gays who get their gross on right in front of their pets, straights (or normals as they call themselves) have some blame to take on this one too. From what I can see, a couple of people are caught on this site doing it man woman style, with poor innocent babies watching with a mix of emotions that is equal parts fear and confusion. Animals should never see their person (or ANY person) naked. I speak from experience, once Joanna's cat caught me in 'a natural way' and she has never looked at me the same again. :*-(
heavypetting.tumblr.com via buzzfeed.com
-David

Smelling Butts

Well Sooorrrrrriiiieeeee! Gawd.

OK looks like what we got her Chief is your typical horrible Sorority girl who has sprayed the inside of her house with a fire extinguisher in an attempt to make it look like snow. Then what had happened was the fire alarms went off, and now everyone is mad pissed at her. I really can't sympathize with this girl (at least she said she will sweep it up?) but I can relate to the camera operator, it is mad hard not to laugh when someone is red faced and crying.

-David

2 Late Transman

Ut-Oh. Everything was going so good for pregnant transman Thomas Beatie: he had worldwide fame, was on Oprah, had his baby, finally got back on his hormones to help fill in his patchy goatee. Life was so good. And he was happy with his transman title. But now this Ruben Noe Coronado comes onto the scene- a YOUNGER transman who happens to be pregnant with TWINS! Can you believe this? Now Beatie can't even call himself THE transman anymore. Every ones gonna be like 'no no you're not transman- Ruen from Spain is transman, he's having TWINS'!

Now what the original transman needs to do for himself is find whatever doctor filled up Octomom's cooter with fetuses and get himself filled up with as many babies as possiable. And then go back on Oprah and be all 'Ruen from Spain WHO'?

-David

via telegraph.co.uk

How Dare You

Kenley from Project Runway is the worst. The way she talked, her bangs- she was on my nerve. And see- I know what I'm blogging about because NOW she is in big trouble for throwing a cat! I have a sense about people.

You know I'm not one to judge, but Kenley I have one question for you: HOW DARE YOU!?!

Throwing a cat? You are not fit to own a cat! I hope someone throws Kenley from Project Runway out a window. Sorry but I'm just sayin'.

'PROJECT RUNWAY' FINALIST FACING ASSAULT CHARGES accused of throwing cat, computer at fiance.- NYP

-David