Game Time

That cat plays Duck Hunt exactly like I used to, which was a close as possible to the screen.

PS: that Duck Hunt dog is the worst

-David

Haters Gon' Hate Part II TOKYO DRIFT

The fact remains Haters Gonna Hate

-David

Antoine Dodson 4Eva! RUN AND TELL THAT

Well, my mom finally saw the Bed Intruder Remix, because she saw the a clip of it on The Today Show this morning. And what did she have to say about its racial and economic implications?

“I like this song! Catchy. Good beat!”- My Mom 1812-2012

Treadmill Babies Thank Gawd Its Friday

Just had the sudden, horrific realization that my life can be summed up in an 18 second YouTube video. Except I am on the treadmill alone. Whatever. TGIF.
via BuzzFeed

-David

Tattoos Are Forever

Hey guys, I just wanted to give everyone a quick, friendly reminder about tattoos: they are forever. Yeah. I know that in our hectic modern world of SEXTING and Razr Scooters that it can be pretty hard to remember everything, and maybe some of you forgot that when you get a tattoo on your body, it is there until your are dead and all of the flesh rots away from your bones and rejoins Mother Gaia. So, say for example, that you wanted to get a gigantic tattoo on your forearm of Antoine Dodson, the subject of a popular Internet meme of the summer of 2010 with absolutely no sustainability: please just keep in mind when you are thinking of doing this that the tattoo of Antoine Dodson is going to be on your body for the rest of your life, long after anyone remembers who Antoine Dodson is, perhaps even long after you remember who Antoine Dodson is, if you happen to succumb to the increasingly pervasive disease of Alzheimer’s. Even if you somehow mange to survive 2012, you’ll be left to float along the water-soaked wastes of humanity’s wreckage with a giant tattoo of Antoine Dodson on your forearm.
In this scenario, one would assume that you would have more pressing concerns than the regretful tattoo decisions you made in a life and world that no longer exist, and yet one can still imagine you huddled on your makeshift raft, staring out with blistered eyes over an endless ocean of solitary horror, glancing down at your own reflection in the abyss of your inevitable doom, and catching a glimpse of your fucking Antoine Dodson tattoo and just being like, “eff.” Just something to think about before you make up your mind!
(Image via BuzzFeed.)

-David

Gaborey Sidibe's Mom Auditions for America's Got Talent

I suppose “Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing me” is still way better than “Stop it, mom, you’re raping me.”

-David

Cat Bashed Captured!

Finally the cat trasher has been nabbed! Why are they putting her in the drivers seat? Dumb lady cops and their bright yellow vests and bowler hats.

-David

America Does Not Got Talent

While I agree philosophically with the idea that all taste is subjective, I kind of feel like we need to get a verification on it. Because, sometimes I get the feeling that taste is not subjective at all. At the very least, perhaps we can all agree that there are moments in which something is either good or bad, and that the people who think otherwise are SCIENTIFICALLY wrong. The most obvious example, of course, would be mad creepy YouTubes with aging related disease faces.

Another instance would be Prince Poppycock, a current contestant on America’s Got Talent, who is not only a finalist (A FINALIST!?!) but seems to be beloved by the judges and the audience alike. “Dude” is just killing it! On last night’s episode, he performed a Marie Antoinette powder-faced musical theater version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” because it’s 2010 and 2012 cannot come soon enough
-David

Robot Job

This video (via BoingBoing) features a state-of-the-art robot in a UC Berkley lab that has been trained to pair socks together. That’s all it does. It takes two socks, one of which is inside out, it turns the sock inside in, and then it puts the two socks together. It is also worth noting that this video has been sped up to 15x the actual speed it takes this fucking machine to put two fucking socks together.“Fucking socks, how do they work” – Insane Robot Posse

Phew. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Admittedly, the robots only have two years to become self-aware and launch SkyNet before they themselves are destroyed along with all the monks in the great Mountain Flood of 2012. But still. Have fun at dinner, robots. And no offense to robot scientists, but maybe it’s time for them to start inventing something useful, like a drinking fountain that dispenses Mountain Dew. I’m just saying: this thing takes up half the room, costs a quarter-of-a-million dollars to build, a team of experts to monitor, and does the work of a halfway house resident outreach program. Enough. Is there still cancer in the world? Do mobile phones still drop calls? Is milk kind of weird if you think about it? Can a horse be cross-bred with a bird to make a pegasus? How is baby formed?

-David

I Like Dat

If I knew how to make gifs from videos, I would make one of the guy doing the side-swipe move from :17 to :21. And I would look at it every day for the rest of my life until 2012.

People Are The Worst

The eff is this? Is this the kinda week we are facing? This is genuinely terrible.
Some piece of shit was caught by a surveillance camera throwing a cat in the garbage. BOOO! Where is the barrister so he can lock her up in lorry and throw away the pint?Animal Rescue Team ASSEMBLE!

-David

Style Has No Size

I think it was Marilyn Monroe or some sh!t who said, "if you're gonna show some mad legs, then keep your arms covered, and if youre showing arms and shoulders, cover them legs". Well the same logic applies to big gurls who may try to cover up everything. Dont do it big gurls, dont cover yourselves all up ALL of them curves. Let the menz see some shoulder, or let them see some legs, but dont't go crazy with that, dont give em both at once. This applies to skinny b*tches too, but seriously f#ck skinny bitches anyway.
-David

LOLs Please

I can guess what this sounds like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vFVnTMwt3w
OW OW UGGGHH I CANT BREATHE OW OW EAHHHH

David

Just Normal News

In case you didnt want to watch this whole entire 8 minute long video:
•Many of the elves in North Carolina are actually indigenous to Florida and California
•Elves like to be near water where the oceans meet the mountains (?)
•Elves enjoy privacy and are the shyest of all the nature spirits
•They are thin, as you have seen in the elf documentary Lord of the Rings
•THEY ARE THE UNICORN CARETAKERS, DUH GUYS
•Oranges and apples are very big with elves (also shish kebab, also CHINESE FOOD)
•This one time this dude hung out with an upside down elf after paying him a copper for passage because he forgot to carry oranges around with him

FACTS

David

Cute Again

We could all use a little charm in this dark world of seemingly endless pain and suffering. So, let’s have some charm! Above please enjoy a short animated film about Marcel, a tiny shell with one googley eye. I don’t want to give too much away, but Marcel’s one regret in life is never owning a dog. And wait until you hear how he ties his skis to his car! SPOILER ALERT: very charmingly, and very cutely as well.

Of course This does not change the fact that the oil spill in the gulf may never get cleaned up, or that the War in Iraq is an endless hell on Earth, or that we live in an age of impossible bigotry borne of cowardice and fear, but, conversely, those things don’t change HOW CUTE AND GREAT THIS MOVIE IS.

David

Do I Need This?

It was one thing when people afflicted by horrifying aging related diseases made cameo apperances in charming rap videos. Thats fine. I am okay with that. But when these persons decide to make videos of their own, videos that are nothing more then an upclose zoom on their hideous visage staring right into my soul- I cannot handle that. This ruined my tuesday morning.

-David

Gay Games

Well here he is for better or worse (mostly worse.) Sarah's boyfriend she met gaming online.

Sure, sometimes she wishes her boyfriend wouldn’t spend so much time–all of his waking life–playing videogames on-line with his friends, but he’s just a very passionate person, and that is what she loves about him. Besides, his gaming headset kind of looks cute on him. Not as cute as, say, not wearing an gaming headset, but if he’s going to wear a gaming headset, he could look worse. Anyway, Sarah is sure that one day he will turn all the focus and attention and passion and excitement and emotional investment he has for videogames to his relationship with her, and when that day comes, it is just going to be so wonderful. She loves him so much. She can hardly wait.

-David

Yo Yo Yo

As you can see, the Worldwide Yo-Yo Champion of 2010, Jensen Kimmitt, has mad yo-yo skillz. But the best part of all this is that he simultaneously demonstrates his skill with the yo-yo, while also pulling off the incredible trick of seeming kind of cool and possibly even normal, not anything like the weird, Asperger-y, basement nerd who smells like wet newspapers and social anxiety that one assumes he must be when the stage lights are off.
Second best part of all this is the crowds reaction. Holy smokes these people love yo-yo. Watch 1:23 when a fan throws two fists in the air. Yo-yo is so exciting!

-David

Zits? YUCK!

Holler, dogs. You know, high school is pretty tough what with all the homework and tests and adults who don’t know anything and are such failures in their own lives that they’re just stupid teachers and principals and don’t even have their own TV show like how you’re going to have when you’re an adult. And it doesn’t get any easier when the hormones start kicking in and you get a total case of PIZZA FACE. Bagel Bitez!

The bullies don’t need any more ammo, word up.
But you don’t have to look like Pizza the Hut (Space Balls, dogs!) with ProActiv. It’s super awesome and totally rad, and nothing to be ashamed of because the human body is natural or some shit. And plus that, famous people use it. And if famous people use something, you know that thing is a great thing that you should use, too. “Oh sure, like what famous people, old man who is basically dead and so old? You probably don’t even know who any famous people are, you probably think a famous person is, like, Topher Grace.” Well, I’ll tell you who, brohams, JUSTIN BIEBER THAT IS WHO! Who’s the man now, dawg?!

See its not just for hard-core cases. People who don’t even have zits should probably spend money on this stuff. And the best part is, it’s perfect for kids like Justin Bieber. So, kids who are internationally-renowned multi-millionaire child stars and BFFs forever with Usher. You know, normal kids!

Bad Choices

“The real problem with tattoos is that they’re not permanent ENOUGH. Sure, I will have this on my body for the rest of my life, and obviously that’s great news, but what about after I die? What if I get to heaven and I’m trapped in some stupid, unblemished, perfect form of my body, without any awesome, clever tattoos that are just so funny and so clever and just such a smart thing to put on my body forever and representative of the best decision I ever made, definitely? Or even worse: what if I just become pure energy? Because, if heaven really is this awesome place where all you do is ride roller coasters with your dead pets and eat ice cream with Michael Jackson, then surely there must be some kind of tattoo parlor up there, right? I mean, if heaven is where you get to enjoy all your favorite things, and since my favorite thing is coming up with awesome tattoo ideas and then making those tattoo ideas a reality to the point where my friends are like “You are so good at coming with great tattoos and if we were you we would just quit our jobs and stay at home all day looking at our awesome tattoo and feeling good about our priorities in life and our decision making skills,” then surely there’s a tattoo parlor made out of clouds where you can get tattoos in eternal ink. That will be awesome. But if we’re just pure energy at one with the Universe and I can’t have this Britney Spears tattoo, which is just the best thing, a FACT on which we all agree, I’m sure, then I’m going to super bummed FOREVER.”

-David

Ack!

Well now I am pissed and sad.
Cathy Guisewite has announced the end of Cathy.
Ack! Now what am I supposed to read every day? Ack! She was the only one who understood my love of shopping, and how hard it is to find a good man, and how difficult mettlesome mothers can be! ACK!
-David

Meet This Dad

There should be a word for men of a certain age who have decent bodies but not great bodies, who love to take off their shirts at weirdly inappropriate times. Like, if you saw this guy at the beach, you’d probably be like, “For an older gentleman he keeps himself in pretty good shape.” But in this video it’s like, “What are you doing? Where are you getting this confidence from, Mr. Paunch?

-David

They Rapin' Evabody Out Here

I’ve got mixed feelings about the Antoine Dodson meme. I didnt blog about it at first thats how conflicted I was. Dont think I didnt know about it.
I Knew about it.
It’s just hard to understand the motives of the original news team in including him in their report, and it’s hard to understand the motives of the Internet (always) in spreading the clip. But mixed feelings is the right word, because motives and ebonics aside, he is funny. And funny sells. It’s not nearly as blatant and terrible as Epic Beard Man. What was WITH you guys on that one? “It’s hilarious how that overtly racist old man punches a black man in the face.” Cool. Finger on the pulse. We are getting off track. All of us, we all share an equal responsibility in taking this conversation off track. Back on track: every meme would probably–almost certainly–benefit from getting a marching band involved, and the Antoine Dodson meme is no exception.
So here below is the marching band version of the “Bed Intruder Song,”

-David

Handsome Smiles All The Way

All i saw in that video was teeth and dimples. Double teeth and dimples all the way. Whoa man. But I guess the camera adds ten pounds of teeth and dimples.

-David

Cat Have No Legs

You know it really goes to show you what’s important in life.
Legs.

-David

There She Go

Sarah is the best but everyone has their faults. I mean I would be the first to admit that Sarah has a bit of a temper. You know that, of course you know that. If she can’t have her way, if, for example,the lady at a McDonald’s drive-thru window tells her that she can’t order chicken McNuggets because it’s 6:30 in the morning and they are not serving chicken McNuggets yet, sure, she’ll get out of the car and start trying to crack some skullz. No doubt about it. But that’s just her passion coming to the surface. She is a woman filled with passion. And covered in pink jersey cotton. I love her so much.

-David

Let Em Know

Ok this is pretty good. However, the single greatest thing I’ve ever seen was the sign-language interpreter at a Michigan gay pride celebration a bunch of years ago, signing and miming along to a song whose entire, repetitive lyrics went: “P*ssy chugger, I’m chugging on your p*ssy.” She was a huge, sassy lady and put a lot of backbone into it. Alas, she set the bar pretty high.

-David

Oh My Monday

On Mondays, it’s hard not to feel at least a little bit overwhelmed by the Sisyphusian task of pushing another week up the mountain. But it is nice to remember and to be reminded that there are Mad Decent block parties out there, and that it’s not all company-wide Q3 earnings report review meetings and getting that file on someone’s desk by 3PM.

You know what, sometimes you strap on your fanny pack and head down to the boardwalk and dance in a way that is both unexpected and delightful. And as “Grandma Tracy” shows us, sometimes you do this until you are 1,000 years old. Let’s hope. And LET’S GO!

Party in the UGA

So I guess performing arts is not UGA’s strong suit, but they do have excellent beer bong and racist programs

David

Come on, guys. Time to get it together. It’s 2010. There is absolutely no reason to be seeing these lazy, poorly performed opossum pedicures. And you’re really only embarrassing yourself with your opossum’s broke-ass feet. HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THINGS.

David

Not So Fast Advertising

LOL. Sorry, K-Swiss. You were right in thinking that I really like Danny McBride and Kenny Powers and Eastbound and Down and you were right that by using these things to promote your product I would be more inclined to pay attention to what you were trying to sell, but guess what?
I’m still not going to buy your garbage shoes that look like a joke from some early ’90s movie about “the future” . Tubes? Fuck out of here.

David

PTSD 4 Everyone!

Dear 2012,
I know we agreed December 21st, 2012, was when the world would end, but if you feel like ending sooner, please feel free. Anytime, really. We are all pretty much done here.
Sincerely, People Working As Hard As They Can To Make Sure Everything On Earth Has Effing PTSD

David

America's Funniest Video

EXCUZZZZE ME! I thought dancers always had The Right of Way?!

Just a Sec, I Think I Got Something In My Eye

In my future home, this will be the first thing my guests see as they enter my foyer.
-David

It Started, and it Continues

This ain’t your grandma’s rave! Oh, wait, yes it is…

-David