Friday, October 22, 2010
News that the apocolypse of 2012 isn't happening was a total bummer. I’m not saying that I want the world to be destroyed in a nightmarish cataclysm of fire and death, but I'm sorry. Once you get your mind set on something it’s hard to switch gears. And it really would have been such a tidy solution to so many problems. Just think: Iraq, Afghanistan, the oil-soaked (still) Gulf coast, the economic crisis, Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, DADT, Al Qaeda, peanut oil on the top of peanut butter that needs to be mixed in but is so hard to mix in without spilling the goddamned oil everywhere, and it stains, the last three episodes of Treme just sitting on the DVR, SO MANY PROBLEMS RESOLVED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYESTEROID. Oh well. Now I guess we just have to dealwithit.gif. Oddly, I’m not sure if the lack of a time constraint makes it more or less important for us each to find our joy in this world. Like, when it was all going poof in two years, it seemed pretty important to find some happiness before The End, but now that we might have to be here for fucking ever, it might actually be even more important because... good grief.Follow your heart, you guys, wherever it leads you (WITHIN THE RULE OF LAW). Even if that means dressing up your dog as a Na’vi from the movie Avatar. And then also dressing up as a Na’vi yourself? And your dog is, like, a Jake Sully Na’vi, and you are a girl Na’vi, so it’s kind of like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend with your dog in space and have forbidden ponytail Tree of Souls sex that promises you to each other? Yikes. Fair enough! Yay! Happiness! (Could someone please revisit the 2012 math and see if we can’t get back on track?)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Yo cool broheims who think when you grow up you should be allowed to wear jeans to work but that doesn’t mean you won’t work really hard and girls who are empowered by their budding sexuality, which comes from hormones, which are going crazy in all of your bodies right now. It’s been awhile since we’ve kicked it old school, but now we’re slanging on the flippity flop like a bunch of BFFFFs because school is back in sesh, and there’s lots of cool stuff to gossip girls about. XOXOXBOXPS3.
One thing that’s super wicked dope is the new Willow Smith video for “Whip My Hair.” OMGod. Did you see it yet? I saw it over in the cafeteria and right away I had to go to my locker and SEXT my Facebooks about it. It’s megaNEAT. Did you know she’s only nine years old? That’s, like, younger than a tween even. TWEENS RULEZ. You can check the video out after the jump, although I’m sure you already totally downloaded it onto your ZunePad. Dope chill.
When will they learn!
Number of Times Someone Being Made Fun of on the Internet Has Turned to That Very Same Internet with an Emotional Appeal to Stop Being Made Fun Of: 134,695,449
Number of Times This Strategy Has Proven Successful: 0
Number of Times the Internet Has Used These Emotional Appeals to Make Even Harder Fun of Initial Target: 134,695,449
The numbers don’t lie, guys. Be smart. Throw your computers in the garbage can!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
“Ketchup bottle!” one of them finally screamed and just like that, he was boring old Daniel again.
The daily grind would be upon him soon enough and though he hated himself for it, Daniel knew that he would think fondly of his time as a ketchup bottle in the coming weeks. It would occur most likely in the shower during bouts of stretching his penis out in a futile effort to match the proportions of his widening belly.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
And so, whether you are on the surface of the planet, or deep within its nightmare confines, you do have to find something to make you happy before you are buried (one way or the other). For example, starting up a YouTube account expressly for the purpose of posting your Aspberger-fueled video tours of midwestern Bed, Bath and Beyond elevators
Friday, October 8, 2010
Whatever, robot. When your boyfriend is finished folding his socks, why don’t the two of you head down to the junkyard and throw yourselves in, because you’re TRASH. And guess what? I’ll say that to your stupid face, too. What are you going to do about it? You can’t roll over a field of human skulls because you don’t even have any tank treads or human skulls!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Get a load of this guy! Watch as a man gets pissed when he misses an elevator, so he rams his motorized scooter into the elevator doors, ultimately breaking the panels and, sadly, plummeting to his eventual death.
via [The Daily What]
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Anotha one and anotha one. Dag this kid keeps droppin killer lipsync videos. He has the illest lipsync videos in the game son. Aww snap. I am beginning to suspect he is not human and is just a realistic puppet.
Friday, October 1, 2010
There is, of course, the old statistical allegory in which the idea of an infinite number of possibilities is represented by a dozen monkeys (or one immortal monkey, according to Jorge Louis Borges) banging away at the keys of a dozen typewriters for an infinite amount of time will, eventually, through sheer chance, perfectly recreate every book in the British Museum. It is a cute theorem, and it certainly gets the idea across. But I think that we can all agree that a dozen monkeys (or one immortal monkey, or one million monkeys) recording ad infinitum on a dozen (or one infinitely battery-charged, or one million) FlipCams would never come up with half the shit we’re coming up with these days. YOU CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, METAPHORICAL MONKEYS