Bradley Cooper Talking French

“JUST KEEP TALKING I DON’T CARE WHAT IT MEANS.” -Me

Pinot Awwwwww!

When you think about it we are all just a bunch of chinchillas in the world (a glass) except not cute.

David

Play Times

Hahahhaha. LOOK AT THAT PUPPY HE WANTS TO PLAY! HE IS JUST TRYING TO ENJOY HIS LIFE IN THE FACE OF AN ABSURD AND IMMOVABLE WILL THAT REFUTES HIM. Aren’t we all.

David

Do What You Do

Hey, it’s a tough world out there, you guys. JUST ASK OSAMA BIN LADEN, AM I RIGHT? Sorry. But it is a tough world out there. When it comes right down to it, most people are just doing their best to get through the day, and we should all be so lucky as to find one thing that makes us happy in this world. No one else is gonna do it for us! So, if dressing up in footy pajamas and installing a reinforced bottom to a child’s playpen so that it can support 350 pounds of man weight is what’s going to get you from sunup to sundown without blowing your brains out, more Pedialite to you. Here’s one thing, though: if that IS the thing that makes you happy, when the National Geographic camera crew comes around asking if you’ll allow them to film you taking a nappy-nappy in your big boy’s crib, please at least know that “no” is one of the things you can tell them. Keep that one in your back diaper pocket!

I do like that National Geographic doesn’t go into too much detail about how Stanley is able to afford spending HALF HIS LIFE as an adult baby, or where he met Sandra, or any of a million other questions this segment raises, but they do make sure to explain that he doesn’t wear a diaper when he goes out to run errands so as to avoid public humiliation. Uh, pretty sure that was the one thing that did NOT need any further explanation. Feel like we all would have totally been on the same page with why he doesn’t run his errands in a diaper.

Good luck, Stanley!

Some News

Hey I know most of you guys reading this come here for news and stuff, so I meant to tell you guys that Osama Bin Laden is dead. He got caught and killed, so just so you guys know.

David

The Greatest Speech Ever Given

OK, team, circle up. Take a knee. We’re going to go out there today and we’re going to show these guys what we’re made of. THIS IS OUR HOUSE! But before we smash their faces into the dirt, I’d like to give the floor over to Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard, who is going to say a few words:

Goats standing on a truck, check.
Superman theme music, check.
Monkeys riding dogs, check.
Answers to questions no one was asking, check.

-David

Whats Going On?

When mom brought the new Old Spice guy around, I wasn't buying it. Sure, he called me “Chief” and mussed with my hair and said things like, “Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before? Would you like to?” and then mom would put up some kind of weak protest and he’d laugh and say “Oh come on, it’s safe enough. Let the boy have some fun.” But I wasn’t buying it. All through dinner at the mid-priced restaurant where new Old Spice guy said we were even allowed to order appetizers, which mom NEVER let us order appetizers, it was still just like “what are you trying to do here, new Old Spice guy? What’s the end game?” I was suspicious. And I was right to be suspicious.

Because new Old Spice guy didn’t go away like the others. He stuck around. He sat on our furniture. Mom brought him snacks while he hogged the TV. She said it was important for children to have an Old Spice guy in the house. Says you, mom. I hope you know I could hear the two of you at night, “deodorizing.” I'm already pretty much sick of him, OK?! He just better not ever try and boss me around or else you’ll see.

You can’t tell me what to do, new Old Spice guy. You’re not my dad. Isaah Mustafa is my dad!

Sleep My Child

This is also the only way I can fall asleep, by having that guy jam his filthy thumb in my mouth.

-David

Excuse Me Bitches

Excuse me bitches in the back. Wipe those stink faces off your faces.

What can you do. Haters gon' hate.

-David

I’m surprised he can eat after getting stung by what looks like 10,000 bees.

Terrible Teens

Cool. Great tips. Hey, here’s a completely unrelated question: do you guys ever think about just, you know, like, giving up completely? As if perhaps all of the hard work of trying to conceptualize of a world in which life is actually worth living and there is beauty and decency to be found in this existence of pain and misery is all for nothing and maybe we should just lie down in the road and let the abyss wash over us? These tips sound great! I was just thinking about that other stuff for no reason really hahahhah never mind. Can’t wait to try these tips!

-David

I know that the training techniques used to create this situation were most likely very unpleasant and that animals are actually living sentient creatures and not just puppets for our amusement, but you have to hand it to these puppets, they are VERY AMUSING!

-David

This Just In

Mom did a great job on the cinematography. The zooms were magical.

via [bestweekever]

TV time

No offense to Oprah (none taken, I’m sure) but how on Earth does she have her own television network while Herbie & Jabby are languishing on YouTube? I’m just saying. Blah blah blah, book clubs and fake doctors and one billion dollars. THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN MY EYES 24 HOURS A DAY.

Lets just make sure an adult is around making sure Herbie and Jabby dont get TOO close mkay?

Go Slow

I’m guessing when you woke up today you didn’t even realize that a slow loris holding onto a tiny umbrella was something that existed, and now you must have realized deep within yourself that it’s the only thing you want in this entire world. Unfortunately, the line at the Slow Loris with A Tiny Umbrella Store is around the block. Some people have been camped out all week. OPEN OPEN OPEN!

-David