I know that the training techniques used to create this situation were most likely very unpleasant and that animals are actually living sentient creatures and not just puppets for our amusement, but you have to hand it to these puppets, they are VERY AMUSING!

-David

This Just In

Mom did a great job on the cinematography. The zooms were magical.

via [bestweekever]

TV time

No offense to Oprah (none taken, I’m sure) but how on Earth does she have her own television network while Herbie & Jabby are languishing on YouTube? I’m just saying. Blah blah blah, book clubs and fake doctors and one billion dollars. THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN MY EYES 24 HOURS A DAY.

Lets just make sure an adult is around making sure Herbie and Jabby dont get TOO close mkay?

Go Slow

I’m guessing when you woke up today you didn’t even realize that a slow loris holding onto a tiny umbrella was something that existed, and now you must have realized deep within yourself that it’s the only thing you want in this entire world. Unfortunately, the line at the Slow Loris with A Tiny Umbrella Store is around the block. Some people have been camped out all week. OPEN OPEN OPEN!

-David

The Worst Got Worse

For once, I kind of appreciate YouTube commenters’ ability to just get right to it:

A Thin Crust of Hope: The Susan Guy Story

Pizza is the best. If you don’t agree with that statement then please do not read this site.

AND DON’T LET THE BLOG HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

It is so delicious! With the cheese and the toppings and the sauce and the cheese and the toppings and the pizza. Yum! Yum!

My Uncle used to say that pizza was the perfect food because it included each of the four food groups, and he’s a medical doctor! So it should come as no surprise that pizza is a life-saver. Of course it is! Admittedly, it is not a life-saver the way that, you know, medicine is a life-saver. And apparently the only way it can save your life is if you call the same pizza place every morning and order the exact same thing (large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes) in a small town where that is an easily noticeable event, and where the employees of your local pizza place are actual real employees and not would-be dancers or poets or something, too wrapped up in their hopeless DREAMS to care about you. And it should be noted that consuming a large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes every day does have some side effects, but what medical treatment plan is without side-effects?! None medical treatment plans!

THANK YOU, DR. PIZZA, FOR SAVING A WOMAN’S LIFE!

Im sure that when I am 82 I'll order and eat a large pepperoni pizza everyday. I like how she gets DIET coke. Regular Coke is just empty calories.

-David

Source: GM

Insanity

Missy Misdemeanor Elliot is making Vlogs now I guess

-David

Invite Me to Your Party or I Will Kill Myself

"The Mexican teen hasn't eaten for the past eight days — consuming only water — in hopes that her bizarre, pathetic stunt will force Will and Kate to invite her to their exclusive wedding celebration." —Don't let 19-year-old Estibalis Chavez, hunger-striking in front of the British Embassy, beat you to the one golden ticket that Prince William and Kate are reserving for whoever horrifies them the most. And that's why I'm going to go somewhere that British people hang out — I don't know, where do they go, the airport? That's why I'm going to go to the airport and run in front of a plane. I hope I don't die, but if I do it was for something I loved.

Bad Teens

And so natural selection continues...

A New Kind of Crazy

Genus: Small humanoid. Sub-species of Vegans, also related to Hippies and Hipsters
Attacks: Excessive talking, razor-sharp nipples
Special Attacks: Crazy eyes
Special Qualities: Posting splits, random pec flexing, not knowing what’s going on
Skills: Expert smugness, Long-distance running, Fatty shaming
Feats: Mountain bench-pressing (Consult rule-book. Dungeon Master’s discretion)
Environment: Brooklyn, Denver, Portland OR, state parks
Treasure: Small fruits like dates and oranges, video recording device, jean shorts

Valentime

Surprise her this Valentine's Day with an elegant little room of her own

Watch Your Mouth

From the Science Museum London:

A ‘Scold’s bridle’ is a fearsome looking mask which fits tightly on to the head. A scold was defined as a “rude, clamorous woman.” The bridle was used as a punishment for women considered to be spending too much time gossiping or quarrelling. … The custom developed in Britain in the 1500s, and spread to some other European countries, including Germany. When wearing the mask it was impossible to speak. This example has a bell on top to draw even more attention to the wearer, increasing their humiliation.

"OK, but then what if we added a bell?"

You Want Cats?

Of course you want cats.

Cats for sale! Hot cats for sale! If you live in the Winnipeg area and you have been waiting for JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT to get into cat hoarding or you simply have holes in your couch, now is the perfect time to buy!

-David

Welcome Back to The Internet

It's been a while since we've seen this lady. I guess her her success with Sunny D and Run drove her into hiding. But now shes back. And she has a fan.

The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.