I Can Haz Ur Moneys Pleeze?

Yesterday, the Internet was abuzz (classic Internet way to be) about a news story in which a young woman robbed a New York store with a gun while wearing a cat mask. Sure. The perfect crime. The reason that everyone was so excited, though, was not so much the thrill of a well-executed crime, but the New York Police Department’s artist rendering of the suspect:

Haha. That is a funny artist rendering! Today, FINALLY, we have grainy, blurry, impossible to see surveillance camera footage (via TheAwl) of the perfect crime as it is being perfectly conducted:

-David

Thats My Bieber

Wazzzup coolios!
Yo cool dudes who know that drugs are a dangerous distraction from achieving your career goals and awesome girls who like a guy with career goals and also have career goals themselves: today I want to rap at you about something pretty important. Safe sex Love. I’m no talking about the love that you get from your parents, which is awesome, and you shouldn’t take it for granted, and you should respect your parents, because respect is dope. I’m talking about the romantic love like you see in the movies and hear in the songs. P’ZONE!
Your body is going through a lot of changes right now, and you’re probably feeling pretty confused. It’s all very exciting and very scary. Hey dog, I’ve been there, dude. And because you’re a little adult now, I’m going to treat you like a little adult, and let you know that the desperate search for everlasting love doesn’t end when you graduate. SoBe Pina Colada Lizz Blizz. That’s life, brosef. Broheim. Bromanator. It’s the same for everyone. Even my main man, Justin Bieber (whatup Justin Bieber fist pound!). Don’t believe me, XBox_92? Check this out

-David

Pig Break

Lets take a quick afternoon break at Pigs Peace Sanctuary.
OK. Back to work!
-David

Back in Black (or khaki)

It was little more than a month ago when Daniel Songer, poet, comedian, dancer, entertainer (in that order), famously announced his retirement in Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg. But today, ladies and germs, Daniel Songer has returned! He obviously learned what all true performers eventually come face-to-face with: once you get that TASTE, it is hard to give it up. In the past few days, Songer has uploaded a ton of new crazy backyard deck videos featuring his signature brand of pre-medicated “humor” (and sometimes, like, these weird pelvic thrust things accompanied by the chanting of some puerile phrase?). Admittedly, he seems to have gotten way more racist and homophobic since the last time we enjoyed his comedy, with rants about “the roaches” (Mexicans), and a video called “Talk Fag, Don’t Do Fag.” But, you know, that is just the EVOLUTION of an ARTIST.

-David

You know what I hate? Child abduction. Hate it! Yuck! Oh, child abduction is the worst. I have always felt this way. You can go through everything I have ever written or said in my entire life (although stay out of my thoughts, you precogs!) and you will never find me arguing in FAVOR of child abduction. “David? He is firmly and publicly against child abduction” is the kind of thing someone might say about me, if asked about my thoughts and/or opinions on the violent kidnapping of innocent children. My motto is “Children should be seen, not heard, nor abducted.” Anyway, I’m belaboring the point now, but I think you get it: thumbs down, kidnappers. Boo! Get off the van!
That being said, I also hate this amber alert PSA in which a bunch of “moms” shoot automatic weapons in slow motion while making screamy faces. Yikes. You guys, I’m worried about these moms!
As horrible and scary as child abduction (which I hate!) is, human beings shooting automatic weapons is also horrible and scary. Regardless of how ill-fitting their pants and sweaters are! Of course, the worst part about this ad is that the whole thing comes laced with a heavy layer of irony (moms and mom jeans and action guns and heavy music and slow-motion and an aesthetically modern background) and personally, when it comes to child abduction, which I abhor and will always abhor no matter how strong your pro-child abduction argument may be, irony has no place. Child abduction is one of the few things in this world that remains irony-free. Because of how, you know, it is entirely terrible.

-David

Pizza Party

I like the part when the black girl puts fried chicken on your pizza. Racist-ass garbage pizza.

-David

Gerlan Jeans is number one most awesome

Oh Hai Vintage Wants You. (to pledge for Gerlan Jeans)
Why? because it's gd fierce.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/266902437/gerlan-jeans-the-return-to-the-runway

Pants Off Baby Dance Off

There are lots of dancing babies out there. This is just one of the better ones.

Is he the best? I don’t think that’s even a question worth asking. Stop trying to put a label on everything, man. Besides, dancing babies are like pizza. There’s no such thing as bad dancing pizza!

-David

Da Poo Poo REMIX

Well what was The Internet supposed to do? Not make a remix out of everything?

-David

Da Poo Poo

For a pastor, he is surprisingly timid when licking that pantomimed asshole.

-David

Baby Jam

This is an incredible Lady Gaga tribute, yes, but it’s an even better advertisement for having children. You can make them do whatever you want and they have no idea. The only question now is DO THE BABIES QUALIFY FOR AMAZON SUPERSAVER FREE SHIPPING? I will take three of them.

-David

Halloween Hot Tip

I'm not saying that I am a Halloween expert or nothing. But.... i sort of am.
Anyway it's never to early to start getting your costume ready for the most important holiday of the year. Or at the very least set a few dollars aside from your job at the tanning salon for the purchase of your whuuore costume. It's called planning for the future.....Because October will be here before you ho it. You'll for sure want the best sparkle bra in a bag money can buy.

As far as the rest of us beasts with personalities go. Don't you fret ladies. I've got a hot tip on a trend for Halloween 2010.
Because of the finale and all. Lost themed costumes are going to be uber hot this year....especially for the plus size gal.
There you have it large and lovelies. Get your khaki on.

You could even dress up as Oceanic flight 815. Did someone say sexy airplane wreckage?


*Sarah

RELAX, Ginger Kid is Alive

I know that a lot of you have been WORRIED, because you simply ASSUMED that Ginger Kid was DEAD. Well, he’s not dead. If he was dead then he wouldn’t be making this video. Because you’re not allowed to yell so much in heaven. Anyway, welcome back to the Land of the Living, Ginger. It is nice to see that you have gotten your forum back for expressing your feelings. All of those feelings that you have. Ginger Kid’s feelings really run the gamut. So many different feelings to express. These videos are just a roller-coaster of human emotion, for sure.

-David

Club Living Room

Just like anyone of us, he takes a minute to get into the zone, but when he gets into the zone, HE IS IN THE ZONE.

-David

Hexapod Party 2010

I don’t have any problems with this, because how could you? This is the best. But I do think that the hexapods should be forced to watch each other compete, and we should see reaction shots on the hexapods’ faces when they realize they are getting schooled. Although, it wouldn’t all be crushing disappointment (unless you are blue-legged hexapod with a palm tree on top. Dude, you just weren’t ready. Get back out on the streets and get hungry!) You know that when the Michael Jackson hexapod gets out there, even the other hexapods have to smile, because hexadude is just filled with the spirit and/or programming language of dance.

-David