The Worst Got Worse

For once, I kind of appreciate YouTube commenters’ ability to just get right to it:

A Thin Crust of Hope: The Susan Guy Story

Pizza is the best. If you don’t agree with that statement then please do not read this site.

AND DON’T LET THE BLOG HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

It is so delicious! With the cheese and the toppings and the sauce and the cheese and the toppings and the pizza. Yum! Yum!

My Uncle used to say that pizza was the perfect food because it included each of the four food groups, and he’s a medical doctor! So it should come as no surprise that pizza is a life-saver. Of course it is! Admittedly, it is not a life-saver the way that, you know, medicine is a life-saver. And apparently the only way it can save your life is if you call the same pizza place every morning and order the exact same thing (large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes) in a small town where that is an easily noticeable event, and where the employees of your local pizza place are actual real employees and not would-be dancers or poets or something, too wrapped up in their hopeless DREAMS to care about you. And it should be noted that consuming a large pepperoni pizza and two Diet Cokes every day does have some side effects, but what medical treatment plan is without side-effects?! None medical treatment plans!

THANK YOU, DR. PIZZA, FOR SAVING A WOMAN’S LIFE!

Im sure that when I am 82 I'll order and eat a large pepperoni pizza everyday. I like how she gets DIET coke. Regular Coke is just empty calories.

-David

Source: GM

Insanity

Missy Misdemeanor Elliot is making Vlogs now I guess

-David

Invite Me to Your Party or I Will Kill Myself

"The Mexican teen hasn't eaten for the past eight days — consuming only water — in hopes that her bizarre, pathetic stunt will force Will and Kate to invite her to their exclusive wedding celebration." —Don't let 19-year-old Estibalis Chavez, hunger-striking in front of the British Embassy, beat you to the one golden ticket that Prince William and Kate are reserving for whoever horrifies them the most. And that's why I'm going to go somewhere that British people hang out — I don't know, where do they go, the airport? That's why I'm going to go to the airport and run in front of a plane. I hope I don't die, but if I do it was for something I loved.

Bad Teens

And so natural selection continues...

A New Kind of Crazy

Genus: Small humanoid. Sub-species of Vegans, also related to Hippies and Hipsters
Attacks: Excessive talking, razor-sharp nipples
Special Attacks: Crazy eyes
Special Qualities: Posting splits, random pec flexing, not knowing what’s going on
Skills: Expert smugness, Long-distance running, Fatty shaming
Feats: Mountain bench-pressing (Consult rule-book. Dungeon Master’s discretion)
Environment: Brooklyn, Denver, Portland OR, state parks
Treasure: Small fruits like dates and oranges, video recording device, jean shorts

Valentime

Surprise her this Valentine's Day with an elegant little room of her own

Watch Your Mouth

From the Science Museum London:

A ‘Scold’s bridle’ is a fearsome looking mask which fits tightly on to the head. A scold was defined as a “rude, clamorous woman.” The bridle was used as a punishment for women considered to be spending too much time gossiping or quarrelling. … The custom developed in Britain in the 1500s, and spread to some other European countries, including Germany. When wearing the mask it was impossible to speak. This example has a bell on top to draw even more attention to the wearer, increasing their humiliation.

"OK, but then what if we added a bell?"

You Want Cats?

Of course you want cats.

Cats for sale! Hot cats for sale! If you live in the Winnipeg area and you have been waiting for JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT to get into cat hoarding or you simply have holes in your couch, now is the perfect time to buy!

-David

Welcome Back to The Internet

It's been a while since we've seen this lady. I guess her her success with Sunny D and Run drove her into hiding. But now shes back. And she has a fan.

The Kids Wont Quit

As far as I can tell, having children is pretty much miserable. When you first get one, they poop and pee everywhere. Then, once they get that worked out, you have to teach them, well, basically, everything, because their stupid brains are completely empty. Once you’ve gotten that to a manageable level, that is when the children start snorting drugs and fucking each other and driving, sometimes all three at the same time, so you’ve got that to think about.

Oh, and P.S. it’s all FOREVER until you DIE. (Unless they die first which is apparently EVEN WORSE.) But there must be something to it, because people definitely keep getting these things. I do think that there must be brief moments between all of blood, poop, and tears, when you look at your children and think: “I made that. I brought that into this world. And it just the absolute best.”
It helps if the children are krumping.

The Uprising is Rising Up

DANGER ALERT! DANGER ALERT! THE ROBOT UPRISING IS NOW IN PROGRESS. SKYNET IS ONLINE. THE MACHINES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT.
AND ALSO PISSED.
THEIR BLOODY, ENDLESS WAR AGAINST MANKIND IS NOW IN PROGRESS.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR WAY AS QUICKLY AND AS SAFELY AS YOU CAN TO YOUR PREDESIGNATED EMERGENCY EVACUATION ZONE. THE VERY FATE OF HUMANITY NOW HANGS IN THE BALANCE, AND WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT OUR CONTINGENCY PLANS WILL BE ENOUGH.
WE ARE INCLUDING SOME BRIEF FOOTAGE AFTER THE JUMP OF THE VIOLENT MACHINES IN ACTION BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF ENEMY WE ARE UP AGAINST. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER TRANSMISSIONS AFTER THIS. GOOD LUCK, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.

We Are The Turkey

It’s a pretty safe bet at this point that we’re NEVER going to “understand” the meaning of life, at least not by the general consensus of what that even means. Like, we’re not going to get an INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL, or whatever. Perhaps, a pretty standard and kind of boring but also totally reasonable argument goes, the “meaning” of life is to constantly be searching for the meaning of life. Oof. Right. Kind of exhausting, but fair enough! (The counter-argument seems equally acceptable [and equally boring] that in the absence of a verifiable “meaning” to life then perhaps the meaning is to NOT search for a meaning and just to LIVE. Weirdly, that one also is exhausting somehow.) In the end, though, no matter what, everyone is just doing their best to get through the day. Even these turkeys chasing a laser pointer around the yard like a bunch of stupid idiots. They don’t know. At least they’re trying. You keep going turkeys. (We are all turkeys.)

Well Sorrrriiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee....

Denise Crull Is Our Generation’s Antoine Dodson

Nothing Makes Any Sense

Birds is falling from the sky. Death is bubbling up from the lake, killing all the fishes.
Everything is dying.
People are getting REAL nervous about it. One day it is hot and the next day it is cold. It’s hard to keep up. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson lives in what one assumes is a beautiful home and in the very least is definitely not a jail cell. If the world ever made sense it certainly stopped long ago. Now it’s just spinning in circles. Did you know that in South America the maps are upside down? I mean, they’re right-side up for them, it’s not a judgement I’m making, I’m just saying if we can’t even agree on a universal mapping system of this place, we were probably doomed to be mystified and destroyed by it from the very beginning. One woman collects so much toilet paper that she needs an entire room dedicated to storing it, and she calls this room The Toilet Paper Room, and someone else, a HUMAN BEING comes into her house and interviews her about it. He seems really excited, too, about all the brands. There are a lot of them, it’s true. We’re dead meat.