You know what I hate? Child abduction. Hate it! Yuck! Oh, child abduction is the worst. I have always felt this way. You can go through everything I have ever written or said in my entire life (although stay out of my thoughts, you precogs!) and you will never find me arguing in FAVOR of child abduction. “David? He is firmly and publicly against child abduction” is the kind of thing someone might say about me, if asked about my thoughts and/or opinions on the violent kidnapping of innocent children. My motto is “Children should be seen, not heard, nor abducted.” Anyway, I’m belaboring the point now, but I think you get it: thumbs down, kidnappers. Boo! Get off the van!
That being said, I also hate this amber alert PSA in which a bunch of “moms” shoot automatic weapons in slow motion while making screamy faces. Yikes. You guys, I’m worried about these moms!
As horrible and scary as child abduction (which I hate!) is, human beings shooting automatic weapons is also horrible and scary. Regardless of how ill-fitting their pants and sweaters are! Of course, the worst part about this ad is that the whole thing comes laced with a heavy layer of irony (moms and mom jeans and action guns and heavy music and slow-motion and an aesthetically modern background) and personally, when it comes to child abduction, which I abhor and will always abhor no matter how strong your pro-child abduction argument may be, irony has no place. Child abduction is one of the few things in this world that remains irony-free. Because of how, you know, it is entirely terrible.

-David

Pizza Party

I like the part when the black girl puts fried chicken on your pizza. Racist-ass garbage pizza.

-David

Gerlan Jeans is number one most awesome

Oh Hai Vintage Wants You. (to pledge for Gerlan Jeans)
Why? because it's gd fierce.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/266902437/gerlan-jeans-the-return-to-the-runway

Pants Off Baby Dance Off

There are lots of dancing babies out there. This is just one of the better ones.

Is he the best? I don’t think that’s even a question worth asking. Stop trying to put a label on everything, man. Besides, dancing babies are like pizza. There’s no such thing as bad dancing pizza!

-David

Da Poo Poo REMIX

Well what was The Internet supposed to do? Not make a remix out of everything?

-David

Da Poo Poo

For a pastor, he is surprisingly timid when licking that pantomimed asshole.

-David

Baby Jam

This is an incredible Lady Gaga tribute, yes, but it’s an even better advertisement for having children. You can make them do whatever you want and they have no idea. The only question now is DO THE BABIES QUALIFY FOR AMAZON SUPERSAVER FREE SHIPPING? I will take three of them.

-David

Halloween Hot Tip

I'm not saying that I am a Halloween expert or nothing. But.... i sort of am.
Anyway it's never to early to start getting your costume ready for the most important holiday of the year. Or at the very least set a few dollars aside from your job at the tanning salon for the purchase of your whuuore costume. It's called planning for the future.....Because October will be here before you ho it. You'll for sure want the best sparkle bra in a bag money can buy.

As far as the rest of us beasts with personalities go. Don't you fret ladies. I've got a hot tip on a trend for Halloween 2010.
Because of the finale and all. Lost themed costumes are going to be uber hot this year....especially for the plus size gal.
There you have it large and lovelies. Get your khaki on.

You could even dress up as Oceanic flight 815. Did someone say sexy airplane wreckage?


*Sarah

RELAX, Ginger Kid is Alive

I know that a lot of you have been WORRIED, because you simply ASSUMED that Ginger Kid was DEAD. Well, he’s not dead. If he was dead then he wouldn’t be making this video. Because you’re not allowed to yell so much in heaven. Anyway, welcome back to the Land of the Living, Ginger. It is nice to see that you have gotten your forum back for expressing your feelings. All of those feelings that you have. Ginger Kid’s feelings really run the gamut. So many different feelings to express. These videos are just a roller-coaster of human emotion, for sure.

-David

Club Living Room

Just like anyone of us, he takes a minute to get into the zone, but when he gets into the zone, HE IS IN THE ZONE.

-David

Hexapod Party 2010

I don’t have any problems with this, because how could you? This is the best. But I do think that the hexapods should be forced to watch each other compete, and we should see reaction shots on the hexapods’ faces when they realize they are getting schooled. Although, it wouldn’t all be crushing disappointment (unless you are blue-legged hexapod with a palm tree on top. Dude, you just weren’t ready. Get back out on the streets and get hungry!) You know that when the Michael Jackson hexapod gets out there, even the other hexapods have to smile, because hexadude is just filled with the spirit and/or programming language of dance.

-David

This Week On A Very Special Episode Of The Daniel Songer Comedy Entertainment

I think we can all remember where we were when we first discovered the comedic stylings of Daniel Songer. (Because we were all here.) Now, four long, memorable months later, Daniel Songer is hanging up his trademark khaki shorts, and turning the porch bug zapper off for the last time. Yes, this week on Comedy_Entertainment Act 91.mpg, comedian, entertainer, dancer, and poet Daniel Songer announces that he is retiring from comedy. Oh no! Well, it was an epic career. And there is no shame in wanting to go out on top, as a living legend. Which is exactly what Daniel Songer does in this video, which includes both a heartfelt thank you to his fans, and some of the classic Daniel Songer comedy bits that remind us all why he has those fans in the first place.

-David

Just a Baby

Awwww. Who’s da cutest widdle mini-cannon? I want to put this mini-cannon in my pocket and carry it around with me everywhere so that I can love it and hug it and never let it go. On weekends, I would take it to the park and just let it shoot around however it wants. In the summer, we would go to civil war battlefields, and it could shoot with the big cannons. People would be like “Oh my God, that is the cutest little mini-cannon I’ve ever seen, can I aim it?” And I would be like, “I”m really sorry, but my mini-cannon isn’t friendly.” And then I would shoot them with the mini-cannon and they would be like “hahaha, ow!” Because it would hurt, but it would be sooooo cute. MINI-CANNON!

-David

Teachers Just Don't Understand

Teachers, the thoughtful and educated gatekeepers to our childrens’ intellectual future are making silly lip-synch videos to pop songs that haven’t been popular in 20 years and posting them on YouTube in some kind of misguided attempt to prove they are “getting jiggy with you.”
Oh, teachers. Still just a bunch of corny, charming, ridiculous, lovable dorkballs who don’t know anything.

-David

Attention All Nerds

Everyone be yourselves. Express yourself. But not that much.
Nerds! Listen! You need to be more careful! As you nerds get older, there is this weird thing that happens where all of the social anxiety that you had felt for most of your life that forced you deeper and deeper into a non-traditional lifestyle centered around your idiosyncratic interests and hobbies becomes this kind of social confidence in which you proudly express the nerd that you have become.

Now, on the one hand, this is great. It suggests that you nerds have found a certain level of happiness and self-esteem that you were lacking before. You’ve discovered that everyone in the world is doing their best to make it through the day, and while some people wrap themselves in the defensive armor of the status quo, you have opted for the more difficult path, and yet here you are, a proud nerd, still standing tall. Good for you! You are an interesting and complex human being, perhaps more interesting and complex than most, which means that you really are the special snowflake that your mom and math teachers always told you that you were to get you to stop crying.
"I collect magic the gathering cards! I belong to nerd message boards. I am invincible!"

But nerds, it is important for you to recognize, even in this new era of daring and bravery, that if someone is videotaping you karate dancing at a party, they don’t have your best interests at heart. It is still because they think you are a nerd, and they want to tease the nerd. I know it might seem like the videotaping is a compliment coming from people who don’t know how to karate dance because they don’t have the training, but it is not a compliment.
-David